Sober After Five Months

Today, I visited the Facebook page of my former lover, the sex addict. In doing so, I discovered he is, as of yesterday, “in a relationship”. This is the man that as of the beginning of October told me he needed to be celibate for three months and couldn’t handle being with me. I’m not going to belabor trying to figure out how much of what he told me was truth and how much a lie, because it doesn’t really matter. During our final meeting, he admitted to “luring women in” and once told me there wasn’t a single woman he’d been involved with that he hadn’t harmed emotionally.

What struck me as interesting was my reaction. I once referred to my relationship with him as a “drug”. After seeing his relationship status and feeling almost nothing other than a ping of ego, I realize what truth that statement held. Five months later, I’m completely sober from the drug of him. I can see with such clarity what a poor choice of partner he would have been. It’s amazing really, the chemical drip that is hormones. The way he made me feel was so powerful I tried to overlook the very real problems: Years of psychological and emotional damage, no ambition other than continuing as a bell hop at the local hotel (despite a degree in social work), a deep love of Nietzsche (whom I think is mostly a racist lunatic), a deep social awkwardness, a few hints that he was fairly homophobic, I typically had no idea what he was talking about (but he was so pretty it was hard to care), went to so many meetings each week it was hard to schedule time with him (I’m all for sobriety, but it was his fervent religion), a rage that he attempted to mask with humor…the list could go on and on. Afterall, he did open up our correspondence by sending me a poem about death, which I chose to completely ignore for 6 months.

Hormones. They are a powerful thing. When there was the anticipation of him touching me…then when he was touching me…then afterwards, thinking about him touching me again…well, I just couldn’t keep my head straight. Even now, if I think about him for too long, even knowing he is completely not who I want, I get a fluttery feeling deep in my stomach. Ridiculous.

So, I wish him well and hope he’s happy. I think the chance of him having a successful relationship is low after just 5 months of admitting he is a hardcore sex addict who needed treatment because of his use of sex to run away from himself and intimacy with another human being. Still, it’s hard to be alone. Even harder if being with someone has been your drug of choice for years. Maybe he’ll hit upon the right person who can stand beside him as he makes his way toward recovery. Who knows?

He was my only experience with attraction so strong it overrode all reason and probably much like a former junkie, I can’t help but feel a sick nostalgia for the feelings he created in me, even while I’m glad to be sober.

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