Sex and the Single Soccer Mom

The things that people are willing to put on their internet dating profile amaze me. Don’t get me wrong: It is difficult to try to find the words that capture the essence of who you are, while still putting your best foot forward. Still, it seems that there should be a guidebook on what NOT to put on a profile.

You get the standards that you find on 75% of every male profile:

“Physical fitness is important to me and I work out 3-5 times a week.” (I try to make sure that I’m hot and I’m letting you know upfront that I’d prefer it if you were hot too.)

“I’m a man with a good heart.” (Certainly this is preferable to a black-hearted psychopath, yet it really doesn’t tell me a lot.)

“I really like (blank) and am looking for someone else who enjoys (blank).” (Invariably, you can insert your favorites sport here.)

“I want someone who is drama-free.” (This is something that I read constantly and I’m still not sure what it means. Drama is subjective and dependent on the interpretation of the individual. Are we talking baby-mama drama? Or the need for someone who is always content to sit on the couch in placid silence?)

 “I just want an honest woman.” (It seems that this would be a given. Who wants a liar?)

 “Just looking to see what is out there.” (A little window shopping, anyone?)

 “I don’t know what to say. You can ask me whatever you’d like to know.” (These are the guys that will NEVER make it in sales.)

In addition to the common profile threads already mentioned, there are the more intense versions that leave me shaking my head in true wonder at what possessed the individual to write it. Here is a sample few, with grammatical originality preserved:

“Looking for a woman who isn’t on anti-depressants.” (That one, from my old friend Human Octopus, managed to knock about 60-70% of women on the dating site out of the running, I’m sure.)

“well i have been on ***. for quite some time now. what i have found out so far, is i dont think i will ever find a real woman on here. i dont send nude pics, i am not rude to people, treat all messages i send with respect, but i still cant get over how so many want to talk, but when you send a message it is unread deleted???? why are you wasting my time???? if you dont want to talk, you shouldnt be on this site. makes no sense, but hey, what makes sense anyways?? love. so i am just going to stop wasting my time by sending out messages. if you want to talk, send me a message. i want unread delete your message.” (I actually feel bad for this guy, because he clearly has experienced a lack of success on the site. Still, I don’t think his profile rant will help that situation. Nor will the fact that it is painful and difficult to read.)

“It is my belief that if you line dance you go to hell.” (I actually found that one fairly amusing.)

 “I LIKE NICE BODY AND FACE!!I STAY IN SHAPE AND LIKE THE SAME!..looks are great but that is skin deep, whats on the end side is what really counts, other words dont let your looks go to your head!!! (In other words, he’s hot and he wants someone who’s hot and modest…but he’s not at ALL superficial.)

“i will tell more, once contact occurs.” (Nope, that sentence is not at all creepy.)

 “I’m not a bad boy but I can play the part.” (Hmmm….tempting, but no.)

 “My goal is to find a good hearted woman for a husband led relationship. I’m loving, gentle, and firm handed when required.” (Oooh…I’m sold! I’m a bad girl and I NEED a strong man who can keep me in line. Spank me, daddy, spank me hard!)

“Men don’t like head cases, ladies!” (Fuck you! How dare you call me a head case, you loser! I take drugs for that! I will cut you, you mangy bitch!!! I’ll get my posse to cut you! You hear me?)

Seriously, this is just a sampling of some of the whacked out things that people think are okay to put on their profile. Is it possible that these men are intelligent and conscious human beings who’s brains simply turn to mush when confronted with a computer screen? Or, as someone recently suggested to me, is it possible that there are women who read these profiles and feel intrigued?

I know that there is someone for everyone. Still, I’m beginning to think that Plenty of Psychos doesn’t house the someone for me. I’m not quite ready to throw in the towel though. I’m hoping that this is optimism on my part and not sheer bull-headed stubbornness.

Now I’m off to take my happy pills and do my new affirmation in front of the mirror: “I am not a head case. I am not a head case.”

This entry was posted on September 19, 2010 at 1:52 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.