Deep Breath

So, I have a second date tonight with J, teacher by day and artist by night. First date was good, subsequent phone conversations and emails have been very good. He has told me that he is “smitten” with me and he’s even deleted his profile from the dating site. He’s cute, smart, funny, insightful, quirky and seems like a very conscious person. Everything that I’m looking for, right? Then why am I so nervous?

The answer, of course, is obvious. My recent “relationship” also started off with a bang, then went very awry. J says I’m beautiful;  He tells me that he woke up at 3:30 in the morning with me on his mind and he had to come and email me. He lets me know that he finds himself thinking about me throughout the day and that it feels “different” for him. I want to believe him, without doubt or fear. Yet a tiny voice in my head says, “How long will he stay smitten?”

Then, too, there is the question of how long I should give myself to heal before jumping into a relationship. Part of me knows that my heart has just suffered a serious thrashing over the last few months. Another part of me feels like my former relationship has been suffering from a terminal illness for the last 7 months. I was always half-way prepared for it’s demise, despite my wishes otherwise and my intense efforts to save it. I’ve been grieving for months in a way. How much longer should I grieve? If there is a chance that something real could develop with J, why wouldn’t I take the opportunity? How much more presence should I allow a doomed, volatile, 10 month relationship?

All questions rolling through my mind. Still, I am excited about this 2nd date. It is absolutely time to move on and I’m ready to do so…

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