A Break-up Do-over

“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option” – Mark Twain

So, after almost two months of being on an emotional rollercoaster, I think it’s time I stepped off. After our tumultuous meetings and discussions in March, I was prepared to walk away from the man I loved based on his clearly stated “inability” to be in a relationship. Resigned, after spending the night together for what I believed to be the last time, I said: “Having you not be a part of my life will leave an empty place.” He replied: “Do I have to not be a part of your life?” We agreed to “date”, with sexual monogamy being the only commitment for now. I knew he would need a lot of space and I would need to be patient; I also knew I couldn’t count on what the outcome of his soul-searching might be. He knew I was still in love with him and wanted a full relationship.

The two questions I posed to him in order to proceed: “Do you love me?” and “Do you see a future with me?” He answered yes to both questions.

Since then I’ve heard (multiple times) about how he’s not good for me right now (but he loves me), he’s not capable of truly being with me and meeting my needs (although love is definitely something he needs and wants in his life), he’s unsure if I’m the “one” for him or surely he’d feel like making more of an effort? (after talking about “true love” he experienced 20 years ago).

Or in other words, he has given himself an excuse to behave badly (I’m no good for you) so if he hurts me, he can say: “You can’t say I didn’t warn you.” He’s given himself an excuse to not put any effort in this relationship (while being willing to accept all the love I want to give him) by saying: “Maybe if YOU were the right person, then I would be more likely to make more of an effort.” Because if the RIGHT person came along, if this were TRUE love, then wouldn’t that person tranform him and make being in a relationship effortless?

Yet he doesn’t want to completely lose me, so he offers just enough with one hand to keep me around (I love you in every sense of the word, I can’t keep myself away from you physically or emotionally, etc.), while making sure the other hand is warning me away.

I can handle giving him space. I can deal with being patient. I absolutely cannot and will not deal with him being wishy-washy about whether I’m the “right” person for him (despite his love for me). I won’t tolerate not having ANY of my needs met and having someone justify not even making an effort. I won’t accept somebody being an asshole and making excuses for it by saying “I’m just in a selfish time right now.” These things are crippling emotionally; by staying I am only enabling the apathetic, bad behavior. Even finding a time to have “the talk” with my lover has been difficult, because he has so many other, more pressing engagements. I can’t help but wonder if he lied to me when he said he wasn’t dating anyone else. How else do you explain three nights when he simply cannot reschedule so that we can talk? Especially after him choosing to not contact me for a week.

Tonight, he’s managed to squeeze in a couple of hours before his evening plans. This is the ONLY time he can possibly make time to see me. I’m trying to realize this is about him and not me, but it still hurts to be treated like I’m the bottom of the barrel priority. Tonight I will tell him it is over.

I’ve thought about whether or not I regret reconnecting with him for these last couple of months. The answer is no. After he ended things with me last November, I was so crushed. The only thing that kept going through my mind was that I had missed out on this great guy. I pined for the possibility of this really great relationship, with this really great man. Now…well, the relationship is ending again, yet this time I am the one walking away. My lover has questioned whether I am the “right” person for him because of his apathetic behavior. Despite saying he loves me, can see spending his life with me, always enjoys our time together, respects me, values my opinion, feels comforted and loved when with me and always has great, passionate sex. I call bullshit on this. However, I can say that I no longer feel I’m with the “right” guy based on his apathy, lack of respect for me and my time, lack of courtesy, insensitivity and unwillingness to be there for someone he claims to love. I’m getting a break-up Do-Over. The end result is the same, but the process has been so very different.

I’m walking away before I despise him. This is, actually, the most loving response I can think of at the moment. Which doesn’t mean my heart isn’t breaking. It is. Still, I think the healing time will be faster and I’ve figured out a lot this second time around with him. So…here’s to do-overs, even if they still, ultimately, suck.

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