Who Is This Crazy Woman? Oh Wait…

So, I’m rabidly hormonal. Within the past few days I’ve felt homocidal rage, abject grief, joy and peace. The events of the last few weeks are not helping this situation.

Over the weekend I did my first training hike to prepare for the big May hike; we did 4 miles that went fairly well, except for the dizziness I experienced on the first incline. That could prove problematic! Still, I’m no wimp; I’ll just train harder!

I attended a birthday party thrown by the ex and his new partner. As it was made clear that this was THEIR party and I was only invited (and asked to make the birthday cake) by their good graces, it made for a bit of awkwardness. Mostly, it was fine. When the parents who are my friends asked what the timing/plans were for the party, I replied with a straight face: “I’m sorry, but I’m not sure. You’ll have to ask *****. It’s their party.” Any attempts at coparenting have been rejected by the father of my children with the statement “It’s just not worth it.” Of course, any desire by him to alter his scheduled  nights with our children results in an instant attempt to get me to rearrange my schedule. Apparently, “coparenting” is worth it to him if it involves a night out on the town. It’s only “not worth it” if it only involves his children’s welfare. Otherwise, he simply can’t be bothered. Do I sound bitter? Well…I’m working on my anger issues with him. He provides me with such wonderful challenge to evolve as a person.

My job is currently up-in-the-air. A raise promised to me 9 months ago, then retracted, left me struggling to cope with the financial changes in my life. I have spent the last two years proving myself in a new job role and taking on whatever is asked of me (even if it’s outside the scope of my actual job at times). To see people hired in off the street at only slightly less than I make (and several hired in at more) after 5 years of employment is leaving me resentful and frustrated–especially when I am living paycheck to paycheck. I’m torn, because this job is important to me and I WANT to stay in it. Yet, I also have to provide for my family. I’m trying to meditate on it before I make a decision. I’m definitely in the “see what is out there” stage right now though. It’s a daily stress that I’m battling, wondering if I’ll be having to find a new job soon.

Which brings me around to my original problem: I’m hormonal and crazy right now. Every challenge I’m facing feels harder. I know that in a few days I’ll feel more at peace, but right now I alternately feel like weeping or punching someone. I know I have to go home tonight and train for this hike and I just want to throw myself on the floor and scream: “I don’t wanna!!!” at the top of my lungs (while kicking the floor loudly). I want to go home and lie in a hot bath for about an hour, while sipping wine and reading a good book. Then I want to climb out and have someone waiting to stroke my hair and soothe me and offer comfort. Oh…and bring me ice cream. Or pie. Or brownies. There’s only one time of the month I want sweet stuff and dammit, I want it NOW! Then I want to sit in my chair, with my cozy blanket and watch mind-numbing tv. The thought of NOT being able to do all of those things infuriates me and makes me want to start sobbing at the same time. Instead, I’m going to go and get on my stupid elliptical, with the resistance cranked up. Then I’m going to walk the dog, followed by laundry and housework. Maybe the endorphins will help to negate the crazy swirl of chemicals flowing through my cramp-riddled, aching body. Maybe.

If not…look out world! I’m going to be playing some Death Cab for Cutie and Sarah McLachlan at full volume. I might NOT do laundry. I might even eat sugar! I’m like a woman possessed…all sorts of craziness might ensue. I might stomp around my house or even cry if I feel like it.

Sigh. Even my crazy is too tired to pack much ooomph.

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