And…I’m Done

The last couple of weeks…okay, the last couple of months, I’ve been a mess.  An incident about a week ago finally opened my eyes: I can’t keep going the way that I am. My ability to maintain even my carefully prized public mask is falling apart; there have been days that my demons and inner critic were whispering in my ear so loudly, I could hardly drown them out.

The last two years have been hell on my self-esteem and my psyche. The space between various stages of relationship with D left me only enough time to draw a breath before I was slapped down yet again. I made the poor decision to begin dating out of grief and fear, while convincing myself I was ready. Yet the incident that finally opened my eyes highlighted a truth I’d been feeling for weeks now: Not only am I not ready to be dating again, but I also don’t know how to pace things so I’m not exhausted or can maintain my own sense of self; the quest for a mate becomes all-consuming and begins to feel like the holy grail. Meanwhile, I’m still a mess and I’m not enjoying myself. How can I possibly attract into my life the person I desire, when I’m barely holding it together?

After the incident, I spent the day crying, then went on a date that I’d already scheduled. He managed to inform me over the course of two drinks that he’d practiced the “pull out” method of birth control for 5 years, he wasn’t “vanilla”, he liked spanking and he apologized with a naughty grin (twice) for staring at my “tits”.

Time to drop back and punt, so to speak. The thought of being alone is scary to me, but so is the thought of  either wasting a good portion of my life weeding through men like that OR having what happened during the last two years ever happen again. I can’t change anyone else or their actions, so I can’t control the future. Yet I can try to ensure that I’m strong enough that someone else won’t devastate me the way D did.

So…therapy and a lot of work on myself. Grief and anger, but trying to not get stuck there. Working toward a place where I feel complete on my own. The last few nights I haven’t had my children, I’ve spent working out and reading self-help books. Exercises to try and help me evaluate what my thought processes are and how to change them. Journaling. Crying…lots of crying.

So…I’m off the dating sites again. This month is my birthday, as well as the two year anniversary of my first date with D. He’s been in my life for the last two birthdays; it seems somewhat symbolic and right to take steps toward reclaiming and rebuilding my self-esteem and strength during this month.

 

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