Crazy Little Thing Called Love

I’ve been MIA for quite a long time now, while I’ve deal with an incredibly stressful legal situation (which is still pending). As my blog has come under scrutiny and been used as a form of attack, I’ve had very mixed feelings about posting. My ability to post freely and honestly is very hindered right now, which saddens me. Yet I’ve had to face the reality that my children are the most important thing in my life and if my blog is being used against me in connection with my children, to any degree, it doesn’t matter how ridiculous, banal or off-base the reasons are. They exist and I must acknowledge them.

That being said, I’ve been thinking a lot about love and all the nuances can exist. I used to believe that loving someone meant that you ended up with that person if they loved you back. If you didn’t end up with them, it was because something was wrong or they just didn’t love you enough. I took it personally. Since then, my view of love has expanded considerably.

I’ve learned that it’s possible to love someone and have them love you, yet realize they’re willing to walk away for things they want more. And it’s probably for the best if they do, because they love the you that dresses pretty and goes with them to great restaurant, is totally flexible with their crazy schedule because you only see each other once a week. Children, conflicting schedules and priorities would grind that love down until there was nothing left.

I should know, because I’ve also loved someone deeply, for years, only to have that love chipped away until there was nothing there but dust and an ever-growing antipathy.

I’ve loved someone who loved me back just enough to keep me hoping, only to have them shatter me and leave me to put myself back together.

I’ve loved someone, then hated them, then loved them, then hated them, then let enough time pass to break the cycle so that the love could be transfigured into something that was healthy, even if it meant friendship instead of romance.

I’ve recently felt the flicker of…something…for someone and had to work my way through the fact that despite feeling physically, emotionally and psychologically drawn into their orbit in a delicious, dizzying pull of desire, to attempt anything beyond what currently exists between us could kill the high and breed resentment at our ill-matched long-term goals. Sometimes you can feel things for someone and realize they are just that: feelings. You don’t have to do anything with them, just enjoy them and be willing to recognize they aren’t static and very likely may change.

Do I dream of finding a love like the one I wished for when I was younger? Of course. But at 41 I’m less quick to turn away from love that doesn’t check all the boxes, because I’m all too aware that life passes quickly, so you should drink up every single drop of joy, desire, friendship and love you can find.

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