Single?

I’ve been looking for a relationship for what feels like my entire life. I have, to a large extent, defined myself by my relationships with men. When I was growing up, the only acceptable outcome to anyone who wanted to be involved with someone romantically, was to get married. Therefore, my goal from the time I was around fifteen years old was to find a suitable mate. Afterall, a single woman living on her own might get into trouble: Fornication or pregnancy or actually thinking that she was the equal of a man. Blasphemy!

Enter my ex-husband. We had some things in common and he seemed like he would be a good mate. I’m not sure that I ever stopped to ask myself if we ever truly clicked. I just knew that I liked him a lot, we kept spending time together and we knew that we wanted to sleep together. Two virgins with a sex drive and a whole lot of like going on. As well as the expectation that we were adhering to the expected outcome. The way that we were raised, that was a perfect reason to get married.

Of course, we were very young and very inexperienced. For the most part, I count our marriage as a success. We had a deep friendship and loved each other. We produced two incredibly beautiful and amazing children as well. However, after finally growing up, we realized we didn’t make good life partners. After meandering through the missteps and anguish that it took to come to that realization, we have finally found our way back from a place of bitterness and are becoming tentative friends. I actually am starting to feel good about our relationship again for the first time in four years; both as parents and as fellow human beings journeying through life.

I’ve had a couple of relationships since my divorce. One that lasted for nearly two years and one that lasted, at least on an exclusive level, for a few months. For the last three months I have been dating and hoping to meet “the one”. I have gone on date after date, hoping that maybe this one would be the right person…

For what?

The longer I date, the more I begin to question what it is I am truly looking for. Am I using romance as a way to avoid facing myself? Is it time to take a break and simply explore what it feels like to not be half of a couple? I mean, there have been periods of time when I haven’t been with anyone exclusively, yet during that entire time I’ve simply been passing the time until I find the next “one”. Yet even my fantasies of finding “the one” start to break down when I try to plan the practical. For instance, where would we live? I don’t want to move or give up my house, yet know it isn’t really big enough for another person comfortably. Would I have to watch the television shows he wants to watch? Would I have to account for my time to this other person? Would it be unacceptable if I wanted to put on my big fuzzy socks and read vampire books while eating cheese and crackers for dinner? Would it be awkward if I just didn’t feel like sex, but really wanted to use my vibrator?

I’m not sure I believe in serial monogamy anymore.

That is a bold statement from a sheltered girl who had an 11:00 curfew until her wedding night, when she embraced her husband as a virgin. I’m not entirely sure if what I feel is fear of commitment because I’ve been hurt, or an actual reflection of my own values. Or perhaps it is simply the recognition that I’ve never truly been without a “mate” or in the middle of a search for one. I do know that hopping from committed relationship to relationship is not working out so well.

I think it is time that I give myself the chance to find out who I am, without a partner. That isn’t to say that I don’t want love and connection in my life, or even physical closeness with someone. I simply think that I need to take a step back from the hardcore search for romance. What does this mean? I’m not sure…and that’s okay. Maybe part of my journey is the admission that I no longer have a fucking clue exactly what I want from someone. That it is okay to take a couple of baby steps along the way and try to figure it out, without having a master plan. That perhaps “fun” is just as important, if not more so, than finding a partner and that it isn’t nearly as serious as I have been making it.

I don’t have the answers and I’m not going to pretend that I do. I am simply trying to live this journey and love and be loved along the way. I know that sitting here in my fuzzy pink socks and fuzzy purple robe, knowing that I am going to bed and don’t have to answer to anyone all weekend when I wake up in the morning, feels pretty terrific. Will it feel terrific in a month? I don’t know. I’ll figure it out in a month.

Much like Scarlett O’Hara in “Gone With The Wind”, I can only say with great feeling, “Afterall, tomorrow is another day.” I think that for today, I will simply enjoy the fuzzy socks, the warm bed and all the love that I already have in my life, in one form or another!

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One Response to “Single?”

  1. good molly Sex and the Single Soccer Mom , i read your blog , this a nice blog and greatly. Best for me. a lot of and Dating content. i will often to read and comment your blog.

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