Sex and the Single Soccer Mom

I’ve come across this ad several times, on multiple dating sites. Read it carefully or you might miss what he’s REALLY looking for (sarcasm intended).

I’m not Brad Pitt, but you know what they say about men with big ears. And for my next joke…!

‘Describe yourself.’ Don’t know about you but this is like trying to sketch the Grand Canyon on a Post-It note with a 12-inch paint roller.

The Question. Why am I here? B/c I refuse to play the Dating Game, an unwritten code of rote dialogue and behavior which most people know and blindly obey. A manchild tells a woman exactly what she wants to hear and six months later she racks her brain wondering why he’s ‘changed’. I don’t want to sleep alone, but I will have my self-respect. And coffee. Can’t forget that.

By age 35, you can traverse the adult dating universe and stop at every planet along the way. You become so independent and self-aware it’s medically abnormal. You know what you can and can’t give, what you will and won’t put up with, and you know EXACTLY what you want, don’t want and everything else is bullsh- cough! I’ve had lots of time to think and wean myself off things that some people can’t take a pi$$ without. I don’t need three hours of coffee and smalltalk to figure out who I am or what I want. At this point the only things I can’t do to or for myself are kiss, cuddle and fu-cough! I’m happy to meet your needs – provided I meet mine, too. We’re ALL human.

On that note, I completely understand women’s feelings about sex. To delay something so pleasureable and easy to obtain makes perfect sense to me. And now for the second-biggest lie I’ve ever told in my life…

A fit or youthful single Mom or 40-50ish woman is sexier than ANY 20 y. o.. Period. I would elaborate here but a paragraph that long would crash the server.

I am a calm, focused person raised by strong, dynamic women in an ultra-authentic environment. Zero BS Past This Point. Nothing fake, nothing forced. No bragging, begging, manipulating,, small talk, chest-pounding, competing, drama or fighting. This bores and perplexes some people and downright irritates a few more. That’s Ok. They’ll live.

I’m a man, not a woman. I don’t act, talk, or think like a woman. If you want a man that does, go to a drag show.

I’m not bubbly, smooth, prim, proper, or polished. There are farm animals more domesticated than me. I go to parties to raid the kitchen. Wake me up when it’s over.

I’ve never talked much. Everything is what it is. Why discuss it? Besides, that’s your job. Bada bing.

Meet the quintessential health nut. Weights, running, vitamins, sea salt, moisturizers and LOTS of stretching; I don’t want to be crippled when I get older. But reach for my bourbon or chocolate and you’ll pull back a stump.

Life’s short, we all have agendas and only birds of a feather flock together. I’m not here for a pen pal, beauty queen, drinkin’ buddy, Sugar Momma, shrink, life coach, or Mary Kay rep. Me man, you woman, and we’re not in 6th grade anymore. I don’t care what’s in your IPOD. Last time I checked it’s about treatment… affection… chemistry… hormones… affection… love languages… hormones… affection… affection… I dunno.

I figure we’re all looking for the same things, just in a different order and proportion. I seek a woman for what only a woman can provide: chemistry, company, and affection. Wise, humble, good-humored and warm-blooded.

Here’s what’s in it for you: Honest and direct conversation; free yard work and home repair; sincere compliments; laughing; listening; teasing; hopping and skipping; hand-holding, hugging, kissing, massaging, petting and cuddling. If that turns you on, yippee skippy. If not… I can also make that popping sound with my mouth and thumb.

The first time that I came across this ad, it was toned down a bit and I answered it. What was I thinking? Perhaps here is a diamond in the rough. His pictures were cute and I was intrigued. At the very least I wanted to find out more of what he was looking for. Here are some excerpts from our email conversation:

“Might sound like TMI here but you will thank me later. In the last 16 years I’ve been with some great women from two days to two years and treated each one better than my Mother. Nevertheless, being on your own that long, your needs simplify so much, they don’t even require an actual date. Once you learn to enjoy the peace of your own company, no companion on Earth is worth any drama they bring into your life. On Fantasy Island, I’d have someone to crawl in bed with about 5 a.m. to scratch that morning itch and be done with it. Back on Earth, I would take this person to movies, introduce to friends and family, cuddle on the couch at night and so on.

Okay, we’ve established that he will only be doing something OTHER than scratching an itch because it is not socially acceptable on “earth” to do otherwise.

“I move fast. No man ever went to a date to talk and shake hands goodnight. If that is your agenda, no problem at all. We’ll part now on good terms. You sound wonderful but I’m a heterosexual, hot-blooded man, you’re an attractive woman, and I’ve had a zillion conversations in my life. You do the math. 🙂 No expectations or pressure. I would still enjoy your company. But we all have priorities.”

In other words, put out on the first date or I’m not really interested.

“There’s nothing that you want that I or any other person doesn’t also want. We’re not that different. Granted, there are some drama-free people in the world. Otherwise, every relationship  eventually yields some dynamic of hostilty, negativity, or general unpleasantness that tests your desire or will to stay in it. Whereas some people will tolerate that for the sake of staying together or avoiding a breakup, I won’t. I would rather be alone. I’m used to it and I’ve realized some legitimate peace and happiness with this lifestyle. You still have lonely moments I’m a happy person even being alone so if being with you isn’t better than that, I have no incentive to be…As long as things between us are happy and healthy, there is little I won’t do to serve and please you. But the minute it gets nasty, I’d just soon hit the road.”

It’s nice that he volunteered the belief that every relationship will have negativity (which is true) and that he’s not willing to tolerate it.  As well as the up-front knowledge that he will hit the road if there are problems. Before the first date is ALWAYS the time to get that certainty of abandonment issue cleared up.

After expressing to this man with the capacity for brutal honesty that I didn’t feel I could put out on the first date AND guarantee that there would never a be a problem, so I was passing on going out with him, his only response was: “Ta-ta”.

I can’t help but wonder how many women answer his ads, or even more, how many women actually go out with him once they do. There is a curious part of me that wants to do out with him, just to see if he has redeeming qualities. Still, I’ll never give in to that urge. I’ve been on enough bad dates by now to know that when there are this many ridiculous crimson (because red seems too tame) flags waving during email conversations, it is often better to run as far as possible.

Considering I have seen this ad posted and reposted, I think Mr. Blunt may have a hard time finding a woman who meets his criteria…

This entry was posted on January 15, 2011 at 7:43 pm and is filed under Dating. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.