A Break

I leave in three days for a much-needed vacation with my children. I’ve realized that I am stressed out, overwhelmed, exhausted and thoroughly depleted. The timing of my absence is perfect, because I need some time to meditate and walk on the beach and think things over.

I can no longer ignore the red flags in my new relationship. Behaviors that I thought at first might simply be quirks of personality, time and more information has disqualified as quirky and painted in a much more troubling light. Things nearly came to an end a month ago, yet I agreed to keep trying to make it work. I feel we’ve reached a crossroads though and that to not acknowledge this relationship is turning into a lot of work and stress, rather than something that brings me joy and a sense of well-being, would be unkind on my part. He is professing some intense feelings for me and talking about “the rest of our lives”. Of course, this early into the relationship, that’s somewhat of a red flag by itself, athough it was such a novel experience that it was exciting.

There is part of me that is sad that this isn’t going to work. Interest in commitment and meeting my children had me giddy with possibilities. The physical attraction/chemistry also kept the relationship going; Odd how those things start to fade as dysfunction enters.

Most of me simply feels relieved to be making a decision. A relationship shouldn’t be more work than joy, especially two and a half months in. The times when I’ve felt stressed or uncomfortable being with him, I attributed to newness and awkwardness that would wear off in time. Instead, the feeling that I am constantly having to tweak, explain, soothe, confront or bite my tongue is growing. He’s got a lot of things going for him…but his demons and mine aren’t playing together nicely.

So, I will give myself the week to be certain (although I’m pretty much already there) and then when I get back I will have to find the words to make him understand, gently, that it isn’t going to work. This breakup will not be as emotionally devastating as the last one, although it may be harder to do because of his feelings….

Then I will be truly single once again. If I’ve learned anything in the past few years, it’s that being alone is better than being with the wrong person….and that no matter what, I will survive it!

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