Sex and the Single Soccer Mom

After some contemplation, I’ve come up with my top ten list of things partners should NOT do in bed. Now, no doubt this list could vary by person. However, I feel that many could agree with me on most, if not all, of these sexual blunders.

1. Don’t call your partner names or be verbally abusive in bed, unless it is mutually desirable. While flaunting your issues with women by yelling out, “Take that, bitch!” or “Yeah, you’re a dirty, fucking whore” might be a turn on for you, it’s probably a good idea to make sure that it’s a turn on for your partner too.
2. Choking your partner during sex (again, unless agreed upon beforehand) should also be off-limits.
3. Spitting on your partner’s genitals as a means of lubrication results in the instant desire for a shower, not the beginning of a great orgasm. I’m not referring to the natural saliva that gets deposited by licking or kissing. I am referring to the act of honking up what sounds like a giant loogie, then spitting it in the “appropriate” spot. Granted, it may be practical and expedient. It is not, however, sexy or endearing.
4. When a woman is performing fellatio, grabbing her head and forcing your penis further down her throat should be considered bad form. It is invasive, controlling and will be unpleasant for you if she vomits during the act. Most women will be uncomfortable, not turned on, by gagging during a blowjob; some women will feel that it is a violation. At the very least, it is disrespectful and selfish. Asking if she is comfortable with trying to take you deeper might be okay. Forcing her to choke on your penis by ramming her head down on it is not!
5. When a woman begins to moan because you are doing something she likes, the translation is: Keep doing that. It does not mean to do it harder, faster or switch to doing something else.
6. If your partner says that something you are doing hurts, stop doing it. Do not: A.) Ignore them or B.) Use a phrase like “Oh, don’t be such a wimp!”
7. Do not make the assumption that your partner is taking care of the birth control. This advice is for either gender. If you make that assumption, be prepared to be either disappointed or a parent. Either are distinct possibilities if you don’t arrive prepared.
8.  Don’t refer to previous sexual partners while you are in bed with your current sexual partner. Remarking on the difference in size or shape of various body parts or making statements like: “Blank was a real freak in bed!” or “Blank was the best at that!” If we didn’t take your virginity, then we know that you have a sexual history. Most of us do not want to know it, nor do we want to be compared to previous partners.
9.   Masturbation in front of your partner should probably be discussed BEFORE you do it. Masturbation ten minutes after you’ve finished the sex act, during post-coital cuddling, is probably a no-no for most people. Imagine making your partner a gourmet meal, which they fully partake of, then having them say “What would really hit the spot right now is a Twinkie!” It would feel a tiny bit insulting and a little diminishing of the meal you just shared. Not to mention that it makes you seem obsessive and weird.
10. Last, but not least…Try not to pee in your partner’s bed. If you should pee in your partner’s bed and opt, out of humiliation, not to tell them, then Do NOT take them to another room in the house and initiate sex, leave, then let them discover the aforementioned pee on their own. Nothing squelches the afterglow of sex like having to change the sheets because of the wrong sort of wet spot. Also, if we have even the tiniest measure of self-respect, we will probably never have sex with you again.

This entry was posted on April 26, 2011 at 7:22 pm and is filed under Dating. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.