Sex and the Single Soccer Mom

So…last night I made a total ass of myself with my lover. It was due in large part to a massive dose of pre-menstrual hormones that have been coursing through my body for a week and a half now (yes, I’m late). A tiny bit of it was because I was feeling needy and insecure. Some of it was just sheer ego bruising. Still, this morning I woke up feeling particularly foolish.

You see, somewhere in the back of my mind, I’ve always sort of assumed that if you offer a man sex, he WILL say “yes”. I mean…they’re men. They want sex all the time. Right? So last night I went about the business of trying to seduce my lover. However, after some quiet chuckles and teasing, he turned me down flat, for the first time ever.

My first reaction was being pissed off. How dare he turn me down??? He’s a man! I just offered him sex. Doesn’t he have some sort of innate biological imperative to accept? In a huff, I expressed my temper and left his house, furious. Within all of two minutes, the fury turned to humiliation and hurt. He’s a man and I just offered him sex and he turned me down. Does he no longer want me? Am I not exciting? Oh God, this probably means things are over again. I’m such an idiot. How could I be so stupid? I drive home crying, torn between anger and hurt feelings. I text him to let him know I am hurt and humiliated and confused.

To which he replies succinctly: Why????

As I began to formulate my answer, I suddenly realized this was about me, not him, and I felt like an idiot. Several things became clear within just a couple of minutes:

A.)   My hormones were heightening all emotions and making me completely over-react. Initial instinct had been to spend the evening at home in a hot bath; perhaps I should have stuck with that plan!

B.)    I had been feeling insecure about our tentative new (yet old) relationship all day and wanting reassurance. Yet how do you ask for reassurance from someone who has admitted they don’t know if they can be in a full-fledged relationship?

C.)    I didn’t really want sex at all; I wanted to be touched, petted, loved on and comforted. Since I felt insecure about being honest and asking for my needs to be met, I used a trick women have been using for centuries: I tried to trade sex for love.  Of course, my lover had no clue what my needs were, since I wasn’t actually expressing them.

I called him to offer an explanation and apology. There have been so many times I wasn’t in the mood for sex, yet deeply hurt when someone got angry at me over it. Trust me: Been there, done that. Why should I have a different standard for him, simply because of his gender? At nearly 38, apparently I still hadn’t grown out of thinking people can read my mind; I should have honestly asked for what I needed (affection and physical comfort) rather than insecurely trying to get it the roundabout way (through sex).

So, I suppose I learned a couple of valuable lessons. Stay far away from potentially emotional situations while I am under the influence of hormones. Be honest about what I need and want. Finally, don’t expect a man to “put out” just because you expect him to. Even men don’t want to feel like man meat all the time!

This entry was posted on April 6, 2012 at 1:24 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.