The Voices Tell Me I’m In Trouble…

My plan for last night was to drink copiously until the psychic gateway was closed. I settled for working out hard and then a couple of glasses of wine. Still, it seemed to do the trick. Confused? Join my world…

I just went to see a psychic/clairvoyant. I’ve had the appointment for six months, because her schedule is so booked. To imagine that someone can fold back the veil and peer into a spiritual realm mostly invisible to others…well, it’s an idea that holds appeal. Especially if I can receive guidance on matters near and dear to my heart. I’m not what someone would call a true believer, but try to have an open mind and heart. So I went hoping to find some answers or at least direction.

Some things revealed were expected, others were quite a surprise. Two of the people I most wanted guidance on, I was only left with more questions.

When I gave her only the first name of the man I’m currently involved with, she described his personality exactly. She named the virtues I know he possesses and the areas that might be concerning to me. She also said he loves me very much and will want to marry me. When I asked if this was something she saw in my future, she cryptically said: “You could be happy with him. It could be a good match for you.” She said I definitely will marry again, but she didn’t say she saw me with the current guy.

When I gave her only the name of my ex-lover, with no backstory or comments, she listened to her “voices” for a long time. She laid out cards and studied them, then she looked up and studied me just as intently. “He thinks of you very often and you’re definitely on his mind,” she said, “but he feels he has no choice but to think of it in the past and try to view it from a hindsight perspective. He’s not a risk taker.”

Why even mention my ex-lover to her? Well, you see, I had one of THOSE dreams again. This is the third time I’ve dreamed about him in the past year; the other two dreams turned out to mean something. I’ve never really considered myself to have any sort of precognition talent…except for this. So when I suddenly, out of the blue, dream of him and wake up feeling absolutely certain it means something, it left me feeling unsettled all day. It seemed a happy coincidence to be scheduled for a session with a psychic!

Her answer was no surprise to me really; I suspected he thought of me and I definitely knew he wasn’t much of a risk taker. Still, the pesky feeling of needing to check in after the dream persisted like a piece of food in my back teeth…a mosquito bite that won’t stop itching…the sound of the worst pop song you’ve ever heard stuck in your head. In other words, I felt compelled to do something about it and really wish I didn’t. Of course, when I described this scenario to my sister-in-law, she gave me the look and said: “So, you really just wanted to contact him and the dream was just an excuse, right?” To which I offer a hearty “Nay!” I think. I’m a little muddled on my motivations now, but will still stick to my original story, which was the dream.

So I email him. Nonchalantly. To which I receive a quick response of: “Freaking uncanny! What are you doing for lunch?” I immediately began rubbing calming aromatherapy oil on my wrists and temples and placing my head between my knees to quell the lightheadedness (Does that EVER actually work???) I found myself wishing for smelling salts. Instead, I place an emergency call to my best friend to ask, in a whispered and hysterical shriek, “What does it mean? What does it mean?” I pace the length of hallway at my place of employment, then back again. Finally, I send a response.

While driving to meet him, I am chanting to myself: Let it be what it will be. Have no expectations. You’re in a relationship. You’re good enough, you’re smart enough and gosh darn it, people like you! I pray to arrive before him, so I will have time to compose myself. No such luck; I drive past him in the parking lot (even WORSE than arriving after him, because then there is the awkward “is he going to stand in the rain and wait for me” question and awkward side hug). We order and then, finally, we are sitting across from each other at the table.

As I looked into his eyes, there was such a weight of history between us. How can I look at this man and feel casual? Comfortable, comforted, challenged, aroused, amused, hurt, pissed off…but never casual. What attitude do you strive for when meeting an ex-lover for an impromptu lunch? Especially when during the first five minutes they announce that they’ve discovered your anonymous blog and have been reading your private thoughts about them for months?

What could I do? Note the irony that my last blog post specifically mentioned my fear that this man would discover my blog and be hurt by it? Feel naked, vulnerable and stripped of the anonymity that I had mistakenly believed was a defense? Aside from that, I did the only thing that seemed to make sense and leave me with some sense of control: I waited to hear him out.

Pros: He likes my blog. A lot. He thinks I’m a great writer and encouraged me to work on a publishable project. In some ways it was a weird relief for him to read my innermost thoughts about our relationship, angry rants included, and still be able to look me in the eye and not hate me. Knowing he had sought out my words, then was interested enough in them to keep reading, felt…good.

Cons: He knows my innermost thought about our relationship and how I’ve felt about him. I feel naked and vulnerable. Knowing he knows THAT much about me is just another bond in some ways, one that feels great and really sucks at the same time. One of the most painful aspects to our relationship last year was how much I let my guard down. The ending felt like a sucker-punch to the gut and I had nothing to protect me. I was curled protectively around the searing pain for months, praying for relief, terrified of ever feeling that again. To have someone know that much about you can be a beautiful thing, but it can also hurt like hell. Additionally, I am now having to summon my bravery to write my innermost thoughts and feelings without compromise. I absolutely cannot allow myself to think: What if he thinks this? What if he knows I still feel that? Does it give him power over me to know these things? To which I have to tell myself: It doesn’t matter. He has asked that I not feel the need to edit content, so I’m not going to. He will have to determine how he receives my words.

After a long conversation, I wasn’t unhappy with our lunch. It was great to see him. Yet it did leave me at sixes and sevens. It takes questions I have about my current relationship and amplifies them significantly. Am I over my ex-lover enough to give the current one an unbiased chance? Why am I not over my ex-lover? Is it really love that keeps me from moving on? Or is it some unhealthy fixation (as my younger sibling suggests with a great deal of verbal force) on the fact that he hurt me ? My confidence and self-esteem were seriously shaken; do I feel the need to prove my lovability? Is it wanting what I can’t have? Is it (again, my irritating sibling insists) feeling on a profound level that I affect this man, that he cares for me, loves me, is drawn to me….just enough that I can’t let go? Intellectually, I know I can’t be with him. He’s even more at sixes and sevens than I am! Emotionally…there is still a bond.

My current relationship holds so many of the elements that seemed to be frequently missing in my last: He always calls when he says he’ll call. He sends me texts to tell me he’s thinking of me. He sends me flowers at work. He’s NOT a romantic guy, but he takes the time to let me know I matter to him and he’s willing to make an effort. I never feel like an option in his life, but I feel like he works hard to make me feel valued and special. He is a reliable, dependable, great guy. We have fun together. I genuinely like him.

That’s the problem; I like him. I don’t love him though, not even a little bit. Should you love someone after 3 and 1/2 months? Should you at least be starting to feel like it’s heading that way? Am I comparing him to my last relationship and the emotions I still have surrounding it and dooming the relationship? Why the hell can’t I just be overwhelmed with this great guy who wants me? Why can’t I just lie next to this man and feel moved the way I should? Yet, so far, I don’t. He seems like such a great catch (smart, good communicator, involved father, financially stable, generous, honest) and I like him enough that I have found myself trying to just give it more time. Afterall, feelings can grow for someone with whom there isn’t a huge spark. I’ve felt it happen. Yet I think the time is drawing close for me to make a decision.

So now I’m left wondering: Why do I seem to have some sort of weird, psychic connection with my ex-lover? What does that mean? Why does it feel like something about the relationship is not done…when it is clearly NOT on? Why do I feel drawn to him? Is it more about me being fucked up than about genuine emotion? Why can’t I force myself to feel more for the current guy? Is it because of the ex-guy? Could I be anymore of a an overthinking, emotive, mess right now? Of course, I am hormonal, so that clearly isn’t helping.

Perhaps my sole question to the psychic should have been, “Do the voices tell you why I am such a psycho?”

 

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