Sex and the Single Soccer Mom

Last night, after a long and challenging day, I spent the evening being a sloth. I came home from work, took the dog out, stripped off my professional clothing, ran an almost scaldingly hot bath, then climbed in with a glass of Merlot and a suspense novel.

I spent an hour and a half soaking in a bath perfumed with calming aromatherapy oils (enhanced by the very large glass of Merlot). At one point, I simply lay there and cried. When I was done, I put on a nightgown, curled up on the couch and watched tv. Then I went to bed and slept blissfully until morning.

Sometimes, being single is nice. Only worrying about my needs and not having to factor in another person’s feelings, not feeling required to do anything or be anything for anyone…sometimes I have to remind myself this is a perk of being alone. Especially as my current relationship feels very uncertain and I am possibly facing the prospect of singledom once again. There are evenings I feel so lonely I’m terrified at the thought of never finding a partner I can hope to spend my life with. I want to come home to arms around me and someone who gives a damn how my day was. That longing for connection beyond an evening, a month, a year has led me to date after date which I don’t enjoy. Feeling like I MUST continue the quest for a partner or I will miss out. To what end? Lots of wasted time and evenings I haven’t enjoyed. All the time I’ve spent perusing profiles, answering emails, going on fruitless dates…what if I’d spent it writing a book? Learning a foreign langugage? Volunteering in a cancer ward? I have wasted so much time on the pursuit of love. Yet I find myself still alone. I WANT love in my life. Yet I’m really tired of the search…

Once in awhile, an evening by myself, indulging only what I want, serves as a good reminder to keep it all in perspective. Being alone is sometimes a beautiful thing.

This entry was posted on October 5, 2012 at 4:46 pm and is filed under Dating. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.