The Definition of Insanity

I ended my 4 month long relationship last night. I’d known I needed to do it for about a month, but I didn’t want to face it. Fortunately, there’s no huge drama or heartbreak, hopefully on either side. He’s a great guy who deserves to find a woman who not only thinks he’s a great guy, but also loves him. Unfortunately, that’s not me. I like him tremendously and we have a good time when we’re together;  I will miss him and his company. He has so many of the qualities that I’m looking for in a partner and I know he cared for me. Alas, my heart was silent when we were together. It was time.

True to the man I’ve gotten to know the last 4 months, he handled the breakup with dignity and grace. We talked, held each other and kissed goodbye. When he left I sat and wept. It was the absolute right decision and I don’t feel any second-guessing, I’m just sad it didn’t work out. It hurts that I hurt him.

I think I’m going off the dating grid for awhile. Isn’t the definition of insanity doing the same thing and expecting different results? For five years now I have played the dating game, sporadically leaving the “market” when I find a relationship, then re-entering when  that relationship doesn’t work out. It’s demoralizing and exhausting. I’m not averse to dating if I happen to meet someone, but I’m done seeking for awhile. At least, that is the plan. I want companionship and affection and frankly, sex. A few months into not pursuing a relationship, I’m pretty sure I’ll be lonely. How do I reconcile my desire for love and affection and male companionship (because let’s be honest, friends and family just don’t fill the same needs) with my need to just “let go” for awhile? Sigh…it is a dilemma. Plus, there is the irrational fear that if I step back for 6 months, perhaps I’ll miss the boat and be alone forever. Crazy, right? So, not taking myself off the market, but also not putting myself on a table in the front of the store with a sign in all caps that reads “Pick me! Pick me!”. With the letters in hot pink. With free chocolate chip cookies given out to the first ten men to sign up.

Seriously, it might not be that ridiculous, but over the years, sometimes it has felt like it. I’m taking myself out of the process of “window shopping” for a partner (as the great guy I just ended things with referred to it). Time to work on my book, keep up with the great exercise program I’ve started, finally learn Swiss German (like I promised my dear friend 3 months ago) and take time to honor myself. I have a wonderful life and someday someone will want to share it with me. If they pop up at the bookstore or grocery in the next few months, fantastic. If not, then it might be a bit longer before I meet them.


One Response to “The Definition of Insanity”

  1. Thank you for sharing. You have a beautiful gift with the written word.

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