Panic! At the L Word…

Note to self: It is not really very smart to draw back in horrified, anxious outrage when someone tells you they love you and blurt out: “You can’t say that to me yet!” Nor is it a good follow-up to try to explain your panic with explanations of the difference between “loving” something and being “in love” with something (i.e., “I love pizza” vs. “I am in love with pizza”) and your acceptance of the probable fact that the person was simply expressing an “in the now” emotion. Also, not helpful to stammer like an idiot and say, in defense of your idiocy: “It’s not possible to love someone after two months!” Nope, not really very polished…

Is it possible to love someone after two months?

Yes, I am somewhat of a control freak in relationships. I want to know the probable outcome of the relationship before I give my heart away. Have I broken that rule? Absolutely! Did it go well for me? NEVER! So now I am attempting to be methodical and level-headed and plot out our compatibility, while he is whispering beautiful words of romance into my ear. I am tentatively planning a date for a month from now and thinking it is a HUGE leap of faith for me to do so and he is talking about getting a family membership to the local activity center.

Part of me wants to jump. I want to open up my arms and abandon myself to this growing tide of feeling and simply fall off the edge of the cliff. The terrified, wounded, cautious part of me is whimpering in anxiety and wanting to pull back for each step closer to the brink that I come.

I’m trying to meet him in the middle. I want so very much to be loved, yet I want to make sure that it is true and right before I fully let that love in. I don’t want him to change his mind in a month. Or even worse, say something back that I’m not certain of, only to realize in a month that we aren’t right for each other.

Still, the last time a man told me he loved me was well over a year ago…and he had already walked out of my life. To believe that love is within my grasp is a terrifying, yet giddy feeling. I’m feeling a sense of joy just thinking about it. Now, I’m just going to go and sit with my head between my knees until the dizziness and anxiety attack pass…

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