Sex and the Single Soccer Mom

2012 was a challenging year in many ways; As is always the case, the challenges taught me a lot about myself.  I’ve been doing a lot of review and how I want things to be different in the new year. When it’s cold outside and the darkness seems so present, it’s natural to turn inward and reflective I suppose. Of course, inward and reflective seems to be my natural state. So this is sort of like everyday me…on crack….hmmm

Anyway, in honor of the eve before the eve of the new year, here are some resolutions:

• Set Higher Standards. I’ve realized when it comes to relationships with others, especially romantic relationships, I’ve had ridiculously low standards. I’ve been so terrified of being alone, not being loved, having someone be angry at me, being abandoned, that it made me accept substandard treatment. From emotionally abusive to simply apathetic, some of the men I’ve chosen to involve myself with were allowed to get away with some really bad behavior for far too long. I can’t place the blame on them; afterall, I was allowing them to treat me in a way that hurt me. I even got back together with them…repeatedly! Always wanting to see the good, BE the love, think the best, see their higher selves is great; I just need to do it from a distance. Even last year, the relationship that I convinced myself would “go the distance”, wasn’t really what I wanted. Oh, I wasn’t completely unhappy. There were many evenings that were wonderful, beautiful and I felt happiness in sharing them. Yet the relationship never truly felt intimate, connected and supportive in the way I wanted. I mostly felt crammed into the moments he had left after everything else, which was never okay with me. There were times  my inner voice said, “You know this isn’t what you want for the rest of your life. If he can’t value you now, what would it be like after a year or two…or ten? You need to consider ending it.” I told that voice to shut the hell up! Afterall, I had grown to love him. I could just ask less, demand less, make myself smaller so I didn’t inconvenience him. I certainly didn’t want him to leave me, because then I’d be alone,  so I’d be as unclingy and undemanding as possible! I ignored my own needs so I could avoid a confrontation, avoid the truth, avoid the loss. I remember him telling me once, after it was over: “It probably lasted as long as it did because you asked so little and gave me space.” Yay me! So I didn’t really get what I wanted or needed during the relationship, kept my mouth shut because I didn’t want to lose him, then he broke up with me anyway. Low standards, low expectation doesn’t equal great results. Instead, I wound up grieving and feeling, somehow, like it ended because I’d done something wrong or wasn’t good enough. What I should have felt was gratitude and acceptance, because now I’d have the chance to find someone who showed they valued me. In 2013 I will set higher standards. I will have…gasp…expectations. If the next person I’m with isn’t interested in attempting to meet my needs (as I will try to meet his), I will do my best to walk away early. It’s healthy to expect the people who claim to care to show they care. Which leads me to my next resolution:
• Let myself be angry. This sounds like a strange resolution for the new year, but I can explain it. I’m terrified of having someone be angry at me. Because then they might…you guessed it…leave me or stop loving me. So often I just keep my mouth shut, even if their behavior is appalling and hurts me deeply. Or if I let myself be angry and it forces a confrontation, then I immediately try to smooth it over. Make the peace. Smooth ruffled feathers. Be mommy and daddy’s little diplomat. Trust me, the instinct to sublimate my anger and keep the peace comes from my earliest experiences in life. Of course, the anger has to go somewhere. Usually I deal with it in one of two ways: Turn it inward into depression or let it build until I completely lose it. In the last few weeks I’ve realized something: I’m angry! I’m angry about the last 19 months and it feels a hell of a lot better than sitting and sobbing and wondering why. I’m angry and I have a right to feel angry at him…and at myself. The more I’ve had the chance to clear my head and really think about how everything went down this last time, I’m pretty furious. Anger is actually a higher state of consciousness than grief and boy, it certainly feels healthier. I’m not trying to suppress it or reason it away. I am giving myself permission to feel it and realize I should have allowed myself to be really angry a long time ago. Then, I’m going to work on my next resolution:
• Let go and forgive. In 2013 (after I work through the anger), I want to release the past. I want to turn loose of everything that is no longer serving me. The people I’ve been with the experiences I’ve had, they all served a purpose. Now I want to just release them and move forward. In 2012 I severed ties with two ex’s. I got clarity surrounding my relationship with the father of my children. In 2013 I’m hoping to start anew and really say goodbye to all of them emotionally. Forgive them for the mistakes they made, which no doubt were made out of their own confusion and pain (That’s me trying to see past my anger for a moment). Forgive myself for the mistakes I made, which were made out of mine. Just let it all go.
• Push myself harder. I plan to push myself a little harder in a lot of areas during this next year. My physical fitness routine is in full swing and I plan to continue to push myself a little more each time. I’m going to push myself to write more, maybe even try to get some short stories published. I’m going to try to take a few more risks and go outside my comfort zone a little more. Afterall, why not?
• Live in the present. I dwell in the past. A lot. For what purpose? It doesn’t change it no matter how much I think about it. I want to be present to laugh with my children, play, love, dance, be silly, live my life. If I’m constantly obsessing over what went wrong, it’s hard to really let go and do any of those things.
• Get out of my head by helping others. In 2013 I really want to find ways to give back to the community. There are a lot of people with bigger problems than me. If I can make a difference by helping…somehow…that’s a lot better than analyzing my own small challenges ad nauseum.
• Be grateful. I am so blessed. I have so much love in my life and such abundance. It annoys me when I lose sight of that and focus on things I don’t have. I want to make gratitude a daily habit.

Those are just a few of my resolutions for 2013. I’m sure there will be more; there always are. Yet those are the things that stand out. 2013…I’m ready for you!

This entry was posted on December 31, 2012 at 2:20 am and is filed under Dating, Relationships, self-improvement. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.