Disappearing Acts

disappearing act

I’ve encountered something several times during my years of dating since divorce. I call it the “disappearing act”. This is when you’ve been talking with/going out with someone who expresses interest, then suddenly they drop off the face of the earth, never to be seen or heard from again. Now, this is totally understandable if you’ve only been emailing or speaking to them on the phone. It’s even comprehensible after a first date (with a couple of exceptions that make it weird). Yet sometimes it’s just strange. For instance…

Example A: The man who on our first date brought me a rose and texted me frequently afterwards. Our second and third dates he was also very enthusiastic. Verbally and by text, it appeared he was seeing much further into the future of our relationship than I was. Truthfully, I had already determined that I wouldn’t continue to see him, because I simply wasn’t feeling much chemistry. Is he psychic? That’s one possible explanation for why I haven’t heard anything from him whatsoever since an excited text after our third date. Part of me wants to contact him, just out of curiosity. Yet what do I say? I don’t want to continue dating him, so it seems best to simply let things be. While I felt some relief at not having to reject him, I feel a bit of confusion over the contrast of his actions and words. I’m also hoping he hasn’t been hit by a bus, because it’s just that weird. He has simply vanished into the dating ether…

Example B: The man I had a first date with a couple of weeks ago. He was VERY complimentary during our first date and mentioned he hadn’t felt chemistry or attraction on any other date he’d been on since his divorce…until me. In fact, in the parking lot his goodnight kiss was much more of a goodnight mauling, followed up with an impassioned plea to continue the evening at my place. I gently, but firmly, declined. He emailed me afterwards to tell me how awesome the date was and that he wanted a second date. A few days later he sends me another email stating: “You’re still on my mind.” I was a bit on the fence, because he was so aggressive that it seemed over-the-top, but he was interesting and we had a fun evening so I hadn’t made up my mind. He goes out of town for a trip and I send him a brief email saying: “Hope you had a great time.” I get a reply back that is succinct and polite and I’ve not heard from him since then. Again, curiosity exists as to why. Did he meet someone that swept him off his feet within 5 days? Was he simply hoping I’d sleep with him on the first date, then decide I was too much effort when I didn’t?

I can’t say I fully comprehend why a man goes to such lengths to express strong interest during a first date (or several dates), then pulls a disappearing act. However, I’d like to thank these two particular men, as well as all others who have pulled similiar disappearing acts. If they don’t know what they want…if they are too apathetic to sustain effort…if they aren’t interested enough for whatever reason…better I should find out now than after months of dating!

In fact,  I have a couple of relationships in my past where I wish the men had disappeared sooner rather than later..



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