Archive for online dating

Match..Oh Match…How I Loathe Thee

Posted in Dating, online dating with tags , , , on June 27, 2013 by sexandthesinglesoccermom

My membership with is getting ready to lapse and THIS time, I’m going to let it. It will be hard, because Match seems much like a gambling addiction would: A constant state of anxious high, wondering if this will be the big payoff, when in reality you’re certain to wind up broke (emotionally) and wondering why you sold your soul for something that never pays off. I’ve come to truly despise online dating, yet don’t know how to meet people in my day-to-day life. The thought of going off-the-grid makes me fear being loveless forever and doomed to die alone, with cats finally eating my dead corpse (which isn’t found by humans for days).

The fact that I don’t own cats is only mildly reassuring.

I’ve hit a dating dry spell and for the last month, every single man I’ve messaged that seems mildly attractive and interesting has blown me off completely. This fills me with panic and makes me wonder if I’m a loathsome beast who can only attract men who think hunting and fishing is the bomb and who use “lol” at the end of every sentence. Then I wonder if my self-esteem meter, that seems to be plummeting into the negatives since D, is somehow sending off a vibe that repels men even across the great internet. My mother, seeker of all that is new age, insists I’m sending out negative vibrational waves that are keeping people away. It’s her only explanation for what seems to be a mystery. I’m smart. I’m pretty. I’m articulate and have a range of cool interests. So what is the problem?

Am I only messaging douchebags? It’s possible; I definitely have the penchant for being drawn to them.

I recently read an article that placed my city on a list of “worst cities to meet men”. It’s entirely possible that the single men who have a lot going for them feel they are the elite. I had one man, with whom I exchanged several emails, balk at the suggestion of grabbing a drink. I asked point-blank if he was disinterested, to which he offered a coy “no” followed by ambiguity. He then offered up that he was just scared of commitment. WHAT? My reply? “Dude, I asked you out for a drink, not for your hand in marriage. I don’t even know if I’m interested in you unless we meet, so chill out.” He replied back with a quick “lol” and a sheepish reply, but I’d already lost interest. If a man is too afraid to even meet up for a drink for fear of implying too much interest, what does that say? Frustrating. How about the man who adds me as a “favorite”, but can barely respond to emails? Maddening and confusing.

I had a really, really hot doctor (supposedly) that lives an hour and a half away message me and ask if I’d like to drive to his town for a date that evening. His pictures are of him in a power suit or with an unbuttoned shirt, tanned abs rippling, smiling at the camera in a pose he clearly found seductive. Obviously he thought himself hot enough that I’d drop what I was doing and drive to him. What guy messages a woman he’s interested in to ask her to drive an hour and a half?? One who clearly thinks his photos will get him laid with minimal effort expended.

I had another man message me and ask if I was seeing or messing around with anyone. Naively, I didn’t quite get his meaning until he elaborated about the Friends With Benefits relationship he just ended, assuring me he was fully single now and ready to date. Since when did it become acceptable for a prospective date that I’ve not even met to discuss casual sexual partners in opening emails? Talk about TMI…

Now I’m within days of my subscription expiring and suddenly, several interesting men come up out of NOWHERE. What the hell? Just as I’m about to give up for awhile and really work on healing and therapy, now I’m tempted back into possibilities. I have a date tomorrow night and another one lined up for next week, along with a couple of other men that I’ve not made plans with yet. Will they pan out? Who knows? Once again, the online dating wheel is spinning and I have no idea what it will land on…

Oh, Match. I hate you and your promise of possibility. I despise your window-shopping clients, who forget that there are human beings behind the profile pictures. I despise your marketing ploys, which are often just false advertising aimed at lonely people. I’m still not renewing. Perhaps one day I’ll decide to revisit you, to see if the small offering of single men in my city has expanded. In the meantime, I’ve joined some social groups that center around actually doing things I enjoy. So perhaps I’ll never end up joining you again.

Why The Local Cuban Men Possibly Think I’m A Whore

Posted in Dating, online dating with tags , , on March 22, 2013 by sexandthesinglesoccermom

There’s a great cuban restaurant close to my house. When they opened, I was thrilled; A local business with fantastic food and a decent wine/cocktail list that’s five minutes from my house. Perfect!

Sadly, I think I’m getting somewhat of a reputation there…and it’s not for the “soccer mom” portion of my pen name.

It’s only natural that when my dates ask for suggestions on a restaurant, it’s one of my top picks. If I’m dating someone exclusively, we go there throughout the course of the relationship. One memorable evening with D (when he suggested we get a pitcher of margaritas) I had two drinks on a relatively empty stomach and managed to get staggeringly drunk. Literally, not figuratively.

I might be able to overcome that impression. Except…

The other day I started counting the number of different men that have accompanied me for Cuban food and I was suddenly uncomfortable. The last three dates that I’ve taken there (within the past 3 weeks), I imagine I see a glint of something (Judgement? Lechery?) in their eyes when they look at me. Paranoid? Perhaps.

Yet I think it’s possible they think I’m a very loose woman, possibly even an escort (I prefer to fantasize they think I’m a very HIGH PAID escort–afterall, if I’m going to have people think I’m a lady of ill-repute, I’d like to at least be in the upper tier). I always show up in really cute clothes, with makeup and heels, with a different man. Frankly, most men don’t make it to a second date. So…

I may be in the market for a new first date restaurant. Which is sad, because at least I’m always guaranteed good food. Some people have notches on their belt. Apparently I have notches on my cuban restaurant attendance. Frankly, my number is too high…

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

Posted in Dating, Relationships with tags , , on March 13, 2013 by sexandthesinglesoccermom

Emo BOys and Emo GIrls

I have to be honest. I have very limited experience with being broken up with. Typically, I’m the one doing the breaking up, for a variety of reasons and at least two relationships where I’ve ended things, the men knew it was coming.

I’ve been broken up with twice: Once at eighteeen and once in the not-too-distant past by “He Who Shall Not Be Named” (as my daughters refer to D). Both times it was a complete and utter shock. There was no fighting, no expressions of dissatisfaction, no apparent withdrawal of affection. Just…BOOM…and your perception of the world and your relationship are lying in pieces while you look on in shocked horror.

I recently read the following article and I found that it really touched on a lot of the elements of what made the breakup hard. Of course, it would have been difficult regardless and some things are learned in hindsight, still, these struck a chord with me. For the full article, click here: Breaking Up Tips. Some of the more salient points (The quotes in italics were pulled directly from the article):

  • Don’t drag it out
  • Pick the right time and place. “Don’t wait until the holidays or some special event to ruin someone’s mood. Give  them a little time to deal with things before having to face all of their  friends and family.” (Having had this particular experience, I have to say, it totally sucked and I think about the pain of the breakup everytime the holiday rolls around. Unless something fantastic comes along to replace the horrible memory that happened the day before the holiday, I’m pretty sure it’s forever ruined. To my family that visit from out of town, it was the holiday where I was either in a Xanax haze or near the point of sobbing their entire visit.)
  • Give the person a sense of closure. “Sometimes  it’s  clear to both parties that a relationship is headed towards a breakup. In those cases, when the relationship finally does end, there’s  usually  a  sense of closure. Many times, however, the breakup comes as a  complete shock  to the other person. They are left dazed and confused,   as if they were just  hit by a speeding train and left lying on the   tracks. From my experience, it’s  usually the guys who are the culprits in these situations .” (I definitely can relate: It’s hard to find closure when you didn’t see something coming. Much less when it simply didn’t jive at all with everything leading up to the breakup)
  • Space. Give the other person space to sort it out.
  • Move on with your life. I know, you’d love to be friends with them because you really like them (just not as a spouse), but  don’t you realize that they probably still have feelings for you? Don’t you understand that by continuing to interact with them in a close personal manner  you are stirring up their feelings for you and possibly impeding them from wholeheartedly dating other people? If you like them enough  to really try again  and make a serious  relationship work, then give it  your best shot and make it  happen.  Otherwise, please follow the words  of Gloria Gaynor and “Go on now go,  walk out the door, don’t turn  around now, for you’re not welcome  anymore.”  Move on with your life and  let your ex move on too.”

These were good reminders for me too. Breaking up sucks (although it sucks MUCH more to be broken up with!), but there are definitely ways to make it worse. Don’t breakup over email or text. When it has to end, as happens more often than not, do everyone a favor and follow these guidelines. Be gentle. Be kind. Pick your words and location carefully. Then after it is done, be gone. Certainly, don’t be this person:


Disappearing Acts

Posted in Dating, online dating with tags on March 11, 2013 by sexandthesinglesoccermom

disappearing act

I’ve encountered something several times during my years of dating since divorce. I call it the “disappearing act”. This is when you’ve been talking with/going out with someone who expresses interest, then suddenly they drop off the face of the earth, never to be seen or heard from again. Now, this is totally understandable if you’ve only been emailing or speaking to them on the phone. It’s even comprehensible after a first date (with a couple of exceptions that make it weird). Yet sometimes it’s just strange. For instance…

Example A: The man who on our first date brought me a rose and texted me frequently afterwards. Our second and third dates he was also very enthusiastic. Verbally and by text, it appeared he was seeing much further into the future of our relationship than I was. Truthfully, I had already determined that I wouldn’t continue to see him, because I simply wasn’t feeling much chemistry. Is he psychic? That’s one possible explanation for why I haven’t heard anything from him whatsoever since an excited text after our third date. Part of me wants to contact him, just out of curiosity. Yet what do I say? I don’t want to continue dating him, so it seems best to simply let things be. While I felt some relief at not having to reject him, I feel a bit of confusion over the contrast of his actions and words. I’m also hoping he hasn’t been hit by a bus, because it’s just that weird. He has simply vanished into the dating ether…

Example B: The man I had a first date with a couple of weeks ago. He was VERY complimentary during our first date and mentioned he hadn’t felt chemistry or attraction on any other date he’d been on since his divorce…until me. In fact, in the parking lot his goodnight kiss was much more of a goodnight mauling, followed up with an impassioned plea to continue the evening at my place. I gently, but firmly, declined. He emailed me afterwards to tell me how awesome the date was and that he wanted a second date. A few days later he sends me another email stating: “You’re still on my mind.” I was a bit on the fence, because he was so aggressive that it seemed over-the-top, but he was interesting and we had a fun evening so I hadn’t made up my mind. He goes out of town for a trip and I send him a brief email saying: “Hope you had a great time.” I get a reply back that is succinct and polite and I’ve not heard from him since then. Again, curiosity exists as to why. Did he meet someone that swept him off his feet within 5 days? Was he simply hoping I’d sleep with him on the first date, then decide I was too much effort when I didn’t?

I can’t say I fully comprehend why a man goes to such lengths to express strong interest during a first date (or several dates), then pulls a disappearing act. However, I’d like to thank these two particular men, as well as all others who have pulled similiar disappearing acts. If they don’t know what they want…if they are too apathetic to sustain effort…if they aren’t interested enough for whatever reason…better I should find out now than after months of dating!

In fact,  I have a couple of relationships in my past where I wish the men had disappeared sooner rather than later..



I’ve Got Your Crazy Right Here (Or Maybe Not)

Posted in Dating, online dating, Relationships with tags , , on March 6, 2013 by sexandthesinglesoccermom

Within the past two weeks I’ve had three men refer to me as “one of the sanest women” they’d ever met. I’ve recently hung out with a man whom I dated for a few months last year (while desperately trying to get over D).and he actually said: “Thank you so much for being sane!” In light of my recent struggles with grief and some depression, the comment made me step back and reassess. You know what I’ve discovered? I actually am one of the more mentally healthy people you’ll meet in the dating pool.

It got me to thinking (which I’m sure is a shocker to my regular readers!): What is sanity? What would most people describe well-adjusted as being?

It’s probably not the woman who decides to throw all of her new husband’s clothing and possessions off the balcony of their honeymoon suite, when she sees him talking to another woman for two minutes at the bar. (Ex-wife of a former date). It’s not getting in a huff when a man declines your invitation to a hotel room after a first date and tells him “You obviously aren’t interested in a relationship and you’re just looking to toy with people!” (Story from the trenches). It’s definitely not setting up a New Year’s Eve date, with hotel room included, then bringing your child with you! (Former lover’s experience). It’s not texting or calling your ex-husband 15-20 times a day, even times when you know he’s on a date. (An ex’s ex-wife). It doesn’t scream sanity to go completely whacko and call your mother-in-law, raving like a lunatic and talking divorce, if your husband goes out for a rare evening with his friends. Nor is it dropping off a 5 foot tall painting of a dead tree, complete with symbolic vulva image, on the doorstep of someone you dated briefly, who told you it wasn’t working. (My former dating partner!).

Want to know what the craziest thing I’ve ever done to an ex is? After having him break my heart in November, I went ahead and purchased the very expensive rare beer club membership I had planned for his Christmas gift (Over $300) and sent it to him, making it look like I’d purchased it before he broke up with me. Upon relaying my shameful actions to a different ex (the same ex  to whom I dropped off his things after our tumultuous relationship ended, carefully wrapped so it wouldn’t get damaged), he exclaimed: “Wait! We broke up! I wish you’d sent me a “get even” rare beer club membership.”

Uhm…I think I need to work on my revenge strategies.

So, what do men consider “crazy”? A woman who hopes for more in the relationship and starts behaving like a “cling-on” (my father’s term for needy women)? A woman who allows her emotions to show too much? Drama? A woman who is too controlling?

I have three elements of “crazy”, all connected: 1.) A difficult time letting go, 2.) Intense grief and emotions surrounding transitions, that last longer than is typical for the average person, and 3.) A tendency toward “emotional cutting” connected with the situation (i.e., looking at old emails/texts/perusing their facebook page/etc.).

Who does this hurt? Oh right…me.

No doubt many men would prefer my brand of crazy to the drama/diva/shrew crazy they encounter in the dating/relationship world, because it doesn’t affect them too much. If anything, I sometimes think I appear too low-drama and sane in relationships; it might improve my life a bit if I added in a smidgeon of crazy bitch once in awhile. Or learned to fall in love with men who won’t abuse the fact that I don’t cling, rarely attempt to manipulate and don’t indulge in tantrums or crying jags over minor issues. As noted, I have my own brand of crazy, but I tend to be the one most affected by it, not my partners.

Still, it’s nice to know that to the outside world (and the men I date), I come across as pulled together and well-adjusted. Despite feeling emotionally fragile for awhile now, I’m managing my life pretty damned well. When I need to cry (which may be more often than I’d prefer), I mostly do it in private. When I need to rage, I listen to angry music on my elliptical. Inbetween…I live my life in a sane and well-adjusted way. Men…you’d better grab the opportunity to have a sane, reasonable woman while you can! I’ve seen what’s out there and it’s not pretty…

Now, I feel some crazy coming on. Shall tonight be a cry in the bath, while drinking wine, night? Or a loud, angry music, elliptical night? Perhaps I could pull up all the old emails from my ex and read them obsessively, hoping to find some deeper smidgeon of meaning behind the demise of our relationship…then cry. Oh wait, I deleted those so I couldn’t do that (in a stupid bid for MORE sanity). Hmmm….

Fine. I’ll stick with laundry, walking the dog, a meeting for my child’s class and a dinner date. But one of these days, watch out!


A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Words…And Sometimes Worth None At All

Posted in Dating, online dating with tags , on March 5, 2013 by sexandthesinglesoccermom

After the heaviness of my last post, I thought I should follow up with something a little lighter. As I’ve re-entered the world of online dating, I’m reminded of all the reasons why this process sometimes seems ridiculous. The following are all things I’ve encountered on the various dating sites I’ve chosen to use. I’ll also list my theories as to why guys think these are okay.


  • Posting pictures where you are wearing sunglasses..especially in every picture. It screams “Shady” (no pun intended). Theory: It makes me seem cool and mysterious.
  • Posting multiple pictures, that you’ve taken on your own, of your half-clad body. Guys, if you have rock-hard abs, I respect the work it took to get that way. If someone snaps a picture of you at the beach or pool, by all means, feel free to flaunt. Otherwise, don’t post pictures where you’re pulling up your shirt to show off your physique. You just look conceited and shallow. Theory: I’m hot, desirable and want you to know it (this one’s a no-brainer).
  • Posting pictures with dead animals. I kid you not, I just saw a profile picture with a man, a dead deer and what looked like splatters of blood on the surrounding ground. Yuck. If you’re into hunting, that’s fine (although I’ll probably pass you by if it’s a regular hobby). It’s okay to just list it as one of your interests. We don’t need visual proof. Theory: I’m a manly, macho hunter/gatherer and it will make you want me.
  • Posting pictures with other women. I just came across a profile of a guy kneeling in front of a well-endowed woman, tongue hanging out, pointing to her breasts. Milder versions of this abound. Unless you specifically clarify that this is your sister, daughter, friend…well…don’t we already kind of wonder what is going on with you being on a dating site? Theory: Women find me attractive. After all, aren’t they hanging all over me? Don’t you want some of this?
  • Posting multiple scenery pictures, with no explanation of why you are posting them. One or two (at the most) pictures of cool places you’ve traveled to are fine IF you explain them (i.e., Beautiful rainforest in South America–Vacation, May 2011). If you aren’t in the picture and you don’t tell us why we’re looking at a snow covered field, we are simply confused. Theory: Oh no! I’ve only got one profile picture up! I’d better hurry up and post a picture of this lake!
  • Posting weird angles. I’ve seen all sorts of weird angle profile pictures, but a really popular choice seems to be either the “look up my nose” angle or the “here is the side of my face” angle. Lying down and looking at the camera is another popular choice. Theory: I’m different from any other guy here. I’m not going to conform just to get a woman, because I’m cooler than that.
  • Posting gangsta pics. Why would you post a picture where you’re making a thug face and doing weird hand gestures? It might even be more understandable if you were 19, but if you’re 35 and still wearing your baseball cap backwards and looking like you’re pulling a gangsta pose, it’s time to rethink things. Theory: I’m bad-ass and I don’t care what anyone thinks of me. Message me if you think you can handle it, bitches!
  • Posting blurry pictures. I would never agree to a date with someone I didn’t think I could recognize in public based on their photo. It says you aren’t taking this seriously and just don’t care what sort of impression you make. Or you have something you’re trying to cover up. Neither of those are appealing. Theory: I just can’t be bothered.
  • Photos that are obviously very air-brushed. I understand having professional photos taken and there is nothing wrong with it. Still, if you look completely flawless in your photos, then I certainly hope you look that way in person. Theory: The more beautiful I am, the more women will want me. I’ll lure them in with my winning personality once they meet me!
  • Posting photos of your car, motorcycle or boat. This annoys me profoundly. I’m not interested in dating your car or motorcycle. I realize you may be over the moon about them. If so, then post a picture of you WITH your car. When I scroll through your photos and I see just a picture of your car, I immediately lose interest. The only thing I can think is that you are trying to show off your possessions, which is an immediate turn-off (to me at least). Theory: Look how successful I am!
  • Posting photos of your pet. Really, do I need to expound? Theory: I haven’t a clue.

Here’s what I want to see when I look at photos:

  • A good recent picture of your face, unobstructed by sunglasses.
  • Pictures of you doing things you enjoy doing.

Yup, that’s about it. Before you post a picture on your dating profile, realize that image says something about you. I recently removed one of my pictures because it was the second pic of me with cleavage showing. Now, I’m not a prudish dresser AND I have cleavage, so I didn’t think much of it. However, after the 50th man messaged me with comments on my breasts, sex appeal, etc., I decided to remove one of them. Uh…the pictures that is. Not my breasts.

So…think before you post a pic!

profile pic


Blase Much?

Posted in Dating, online dating with tags , , , , on February 26, 2013 by sexandthesinglesoccermom

Yesterday, I had two dates. Miraculously, they both fell through and I got to spend the day with family and then in my cozy home. Yes, my introverted soul was happier at not being overbooked. The first guy, a coffee date, called me 5 minutes before the arranged upon time to tell me he was running late. I was already at the coffeehouse.

“How late?” I ask him calmly, imagining 10 minutes of browsing the internet on my phone.

“Well…I kind of overslept and am just now waking up, so I haven’t even left my house yet.”

He lives 30 minutes away. Much to his dismay, I suggested that perhaps a rescheduling was in order, as I didn’t feel inclined to sit waiting on him. My time is precious and I absolutely despise having it disrespected, especially by someone whom I haven’t even met.

The other man, with whom I was supposed to have a third date, canceled abruptly because of a family emergency. Very plausible, but I am beginning to wonder if perhaps he is simply overscheduled on top of everything. He seems very interested, yet has a difficult time returning texts or phone calls between his 2 jobs, 2 kids, volunteer efforts and personal pursuits. I value and respect someone who has a happy, thriving life. At the same time, if you’re too busy when you’re in the initial “getting to know each other” stage to follow-up, then perhaps you’re too busy to be dating.

I’ve also noticed a sad trend on internet dating sites. So many of the men on the sites seem very blase about actually dating. The definition of blase is: 1. Indifferent to something because of familiarity or surfeit. 2. Lacking enthusiasm; bored.

Internet dating definitely leads to a surfeit; where else can you browse a thousand profiles of women in your city? I see a couple of patterns with men who are on internet sites (I’m sure it’s probably women too, but I’m not trying to date them) and I think the sheer numbers involved play a big part.

  • The Browser. This is the man who is convinced he will find Ms. Perfect if he just joins enough sites and holds out long enough. The woman must look like a Victoria’s Secret Model, but be a low-maintenance and natural beauty. Be able to look just as hot in a ball cap and his favorite sports jersey at the game, as she does in a little black dress or bikini. All effortlessly, because she’s busy with her high-paying and illustrious career which she earned with her many advanced degrees. The only thing longer than the trail of letters behind her name is her legs. She probably won’t have children, because despite the fact that the man has waited until he’s in his 40’s to begin a family, he “DEFINITELY” wants his own children. That is, once Ms. Perfect arrives. Oh…she also must be low-drama, have no hang-ups and little baggage. He might occasionally deign to go out with someone, but he sees no real point in dallying with mere mortals. He’ll wait for a goddess, who makes a lot of money, makes him the envy of all his friends (because she MUST increase his status as a man by being a trophy) and somehow magically has waited for him.
  • The Texter. The texter messages you on the site with initial strong interest. He asks for your phone number because “texting is so much easier”. After he has your number, he sends a text or two, to which you reply. However, it doesn’t feel like a “get to know you” phase. The texter treats the texting as though you are long-time buds, sendings texts sporadically throughout the day, occasionally not even responding to your replies. An actual date is never really requested, merely alluded to (i.e.; “What are you doing?”…”Having a glass of wine”…”Wish I was there with you!”). The texter continues to text in the most casual way. For someone like me, who really despises long text conversations with someone I don’t even know, I grow frustrated quickly. I suspect these men are simply bored, perhaps lonely, and looking for connection. They aren’t seeking out dating so much as a distraction. I’ve even seen a few profiles where men asnwered the question: “How likely would you be to meet someone from this site in person?” with “Unlikely”. What? Why are you on here then? For more internet friends? I don’t need a text buddy!
  • The Apathetic Tease. These are the men who “wink” or send you “likes” on your photos. They may choose you as a match. They might even get worked up enough to send you a message! Then…nothing. You may even respond to their interest, thinking that since they’ve initiated, there’s a pretty strong chance it will result in a date. But no, they can’t really be bothered to do much more than let you know they think you’re cute and interesting. Afterall, clicking a button takes far less effort than holding a conversation or…heaven forbid…meeting in person. That would require actual human interaction! These men can barely summon the energy to follow-up on their interest, but will send just enough to hope they keep the door open. I’m not sure if this is a result of being too busy or simply being too apathetic (or too much of a player) to really follow up.
  • The Stalker. This is the man who visits your profile over and over again, but never actually messages you. Occasionally, I’ve suspected that perhaps they are too nervous to contact me, so I send a message to them. Perplexingly, they never reply. Yet they continue to haunt my profile like some dating site ghost, somehow unable (or unwilling) to make contact.

I think people get so jaded by window shopping on sites that sometimes they forget these are real, live people behind the profiles. They’ve seen it all, so why get excited about someone? They come across as unenthusiastic and blase. These days, someone needs to be willing to put in the effort to show me they’re interested. If they can’t maintain interest or focus their attention before we’re even dating, I certainly have no illusions that it will improve with time. I wish I had made this a standard a long time ago; it probably would have saved me some heartache.

The best example of someone who has become blase about internet dating is the exchange I had with a man I’d messaged a week or so earlier. I got a brief response, then I dropped it because he didn’t seem very interested. Unexpectedly, I get a message from him that says only the following:”Well, it looks great. I like.”

I’m confused and I respond accordingly: “What do you like…?”

His response? “Your hair. It’s pretty. Your picture is starting to make my dick hard. Hehe!”

This was a man who’s profile had seemed articulate and intelligent. With a sigh, I message him back briefly to say how disappointing his response was. He follows up with: “Yeah well I’m tired of this site. It’s a waste of time. I’m not meeting anyone on here so may as well say some ridiculous things to see how people react. I frankly am disappointed in your response. I needed more….”

Really, that sums it up. Disenchanted and discontented, so he acts out like a small child. The question for me is: After too much time spent on internet dating sites, or after years of serial dating, is one always left with wanting more? Is the grass always greener? Do we become so cynical over our experiences and the seeming surfeit of choices that we’re unable to narrow our focus to only one?

Introversion In A World of Internet Dating

Posted in Dating, introversion, online dating with tags , , on February 20, 2013 by sexandthesinglesoccermom

I’m an introvert. There’s simply no way of getting around it. Every personality test (tried-and-true INFJ, thank you very much!), every questionnaire and all my history has proven it out. I’m not extreme, but my basic personality definitely leans toward introversion. I often find though, that people really don’t get what an introvert is.

Here’s what I’m not: Shy. Uncomfortable in social situations. Socially awkward. A people-hater. Anti-social.

Yet invariably, when I say I’m an introvert, I get the responses like: “But you don’t seem shy!” “You seem really good with people!”

Yup. I’m not shy and I am good with people. I’m actually really great with people, just in a different way than extraverts are.

This is a short and sweet definition of introversion that I came across: “Introverts tend to be more quiet, reserved and introspective. Unlike extraverts who gain energy from social interaction, introverts have to expend energy in social situations. After attending a party or spending time in a large group of people, introverts often feel a need to “recharge” by spending a period of time alone.”

For a more detailed description: Introversion

In a world where extraversion is the ideal, where introspection and quietness are not prized and rarely found, I have often found myself feeling very misunderstood and different. Even attempting to find a description of introversion was difficult, because the myths abounded online.

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Being an introvert for me means this: I like people. However, I need solitude to recharge. I prefer to be with one or two people at a time, rather than a large group. If I look intense or far away, it’s not because I am aloof or mad. I am thinking…you know that thing you do inside your head where you create ideas, analyze situations and figure out your feelings? Yup, I do it. A lot. I don’t really want to engage in mindless chatter about fashion, manicures or trivial banalities. When I talk, I prefer it be about ideas, emotions and something with meaning. This means that while people almost always like me, they aren’t always comfortable around me. I am not the superficial, glossy mixer at a party. I’m not the person with a hundred friends, who flits like a butterfly from person to person. I sometimes feel like a quiet island in the middle of a boisterous ocean at parties. I don’t mind going to the occasional party and will even have fun, but afterwards I want to go and hermit myself in my home for a day or two. I can’t live without people and I WILL get lonely if alone for too long, but many nights I am very content being by myself.

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How does this intersect with dating, especially online dating? Not incredibly well, as you might imagine. Last week I had two dates; I turned down five others. Everyone wants to have my phone number and thinks it is perfectly okay to text me randomly throughout the day, with an ongoing dialogue. I REALLY hate that. This week I am having dinner with a friend, then I have a date this weekend. Interspersed with that will be time spent with family. I’ve already pushed a couple of people off until next week, because I absolutely know I MUST BE ALONE. At least one night this week I need complete solitude.

With internet dating it’s not like meeting someone in your day-to-day life. There are usually several men who are interested in meeting me. Even attempting to weed out anyone I think wouldn’t be compatible with me, this leaves more men than I know what to do with! So let’s say I go out with a man and we decide we want to have a second date. Well, it’s too early to exclusively date, so I accept a date with someone else for later on in the week. This sort of thing can quickly snowball. I simply can’t juggle multiple people, yet telling an interested man: “I’m sorry, I’m all booked up for the next three weeks” is the kiss of death. How does an introvert juggle dating several men at once, while respecting the need to recharge with solitude? Constantly hiding and unhiding my profile to calm things down gets tedious and confusing to anyone who has emailed me.

This issue of time management is my biggest problem with online dating sites. If I don’t carefully guard my time, I could end up having a date every single night I don’t have my children. Exhausting. Yet I haven’t figured out how to slow down the pace. I know plenty of people who would be thrilled to have a date every single night. For me, I feel like a phone left off my charger too long. Eevntually, I’m going to die. Metaphorically speaking, of course.

So for now, I’m simply trying to manage it all, while still taking care of myself. At one time, I probably would have felt like I had to accept every date that looked promising. Now I think that if they aren’t willing to wait at all, we’re probably not right for each other. So tonight, I’ll go out and have a lovely dinner and some wine, along with great company. Tomorrow night I am going to not answer my phone unless it’s an emergency, ignore emails and stay in all night long. I’ll exercise, walk the dog, do some reading in a hot, bubble bath.


Of course, too many nights like that get lonely and depressing, instead of glorious. Too long without a night like that and I feel stretched thin, to the breaking point. Being introverted is a delicate balance, but with the right ratios, I can shine beautifully. Besides, I never claimed to not be complicated, but I like to believe I’m worth the complication. 🙂

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