Archive for walking dead

The Walking Dead, Cutting Ties and Another Man’s Baby

Posted in Dating with tags , , , on March 20, 2014 by sexandthesinglesoccermom

Soooo…the last month…well, I’ll be glad to see April and pray it’s better than March.

For any fans of the Walking Dead, I will admit that I hated the latest episode. It reminded me of all the reasons I stopped watching, left me sobbing and hating myself for continuing this emotional self-sabotage of television viewing. Really? Having the older sister kill the younger sister? Then having Carol shoot the kid because she’s bat-shit crazy and a danger to all people she encounters? I’m kind of hating this show right now. The only silver lining is that it prompted a fountain of tears that were hovering on the brink tonight, just needing that final push. I wept and it felt at least marginally cleansing, even if the knot in my heart is still not completely gone from a COMPLETELY FICTIONAL TELEVISON SHOW!

In other news, I decided to go through my Facebook friends list and cut ties. Out went the ambiguous guy who flirted for months, turned out to have a girlfriend, yet still sends me texts at 1 a.m. randomly as a “friend”. Out went the fling who turned out to be incapable of being honest and grown-up, but still wanted to be “friends” on Facebook (but wasn’t capable of actually being a friend in real life).  The guy who insisted on posting intense political rants every other day…yup, I didn’t want to hear it anymore. I’m ready to start paring down the emotional baggage. I have enough of it in my life that seems impossible to get rid of; I don’t need it on social media.

Finally, taking a page of voyeurism from “they who must not be named”, I looked up a distant ex after they viewed my profile on LinkedIn. I knew they’d gotten married in the last couple of years. What I just found out is that they have an adorable new red-headed daughter. Now, it’s ridiculous of me to feel sad about this, but it left me with a great big ‘ole lump of sadness in my heart. I knew in my heart of hearts this wasn’t a relationship that would last because of the situation. He was my first love after my divorce and his career planned to take him out of state, while my divorce decree left me right smack where I was. But…I loved him. A lot. There’s a part of me that when I saw the beautiful pictures of his new baby, stomped my emotional feet and thought: “That should be MY baby.” Again…ridiculous. I don’t even know if I’d have wanted more kids. I think it’s more nostalgia for him, longing to love the father of my children and the misrepresentation that can exist on Facebook. Maybe his life is picture-perfect and maybe it’s not. Who knows? I only know that things weren’t right between us or he wouldn’t have left and all the nostalgia in the world won’t change that.

My children and I leave for the beach in slightly over a week. A week of no obligations, the sound of the ocean (which has always been the call of my soul) and hopefully, some sunshine. I very much need the reprieve from daily life and the stresses of the past couple of months.

Oh…and I have a date tomorrow night. I have very little expectations, but at the least it will be drinks and adult conversation!

 

 

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The Zombie Apocolypse & FWB

Posted in casual encounters, Dating, Relationships with tags , , , , on February 21, 2014 by sexandthesinglesoccermom

At 5 a.m. Sunday morning, my bedroom ceiling collapsed.

Obviously, I’m still alive;  I managed to vacate the room 30 minutes before it happened. It was traumatic and I’m now coping with the nightmare of insurance and contractors. After sleeping with my children the first night, I decided to try winging it back in my room, now that the ceiling was all done falling.

Have you ever tried sleeping in a room with a gaping hole in the ceiling? Granted, the second floor is above me and the floorboards are still intact. But…there’s a big black hole, with tufts of moldy (a water leak caused the collapse) insulation poking out and occasionally drifting down onto the bed. Lying there, with the damp, moldy smell filling the room, I simply couldn’t relax. There was, of course, the fact that I had escaped being smashed by part of this ceiling very recently. On another mental track were the fears that began to rapidly surface. What if spiders fall onto my bed and crawl on me? Wait…what if I had mice, or even rats in the ceiling? Can snakes live in insulation? I once had raccoons that infested my attic–they even found a dead one in the insulation when they cleaned it out! What if there are dead raccoons? Or live raccoons?

To add fuel to the fire of a vivid imagination, I had spent three days watching back-to-back episodes of “The Walking Dead” on Netflix.  Now, I know, I know…zombies aren’t real. Yet the combination of the recent viewings, the feeling of being a squatter in a derelict house because of the gaping hole, the damp and moldy smell I was breathing in, well it all added up to a terrible night of no sleep. After that night, I decided to sleep in my children’s bedroom again.

In other news, the casual dating relationship I had re-entered is now over. I’m not sure he realizes it’s over, but I made the decision after he blew me off when we had tentative plans. When he asked to go out with me again and resume where we left off, after a break where he wanted to pursue someone else exclusively, I had a lot of reservations. Most of me thought it was probably healthiest and best that it had ended, after all, he wasn’t what I truly wanted and in some ways I felt I was short-changing myself. When his exclusive romance didn’t work out, he asked to see me again. I did so, after a long and honest discussion about what I didn’t want: To be a fuck buddy who is only called for sex. We both understood and were fine with being casual in terms of uncommitted, because there is full recognition that we don’t want to be long-term partners. I very clearly stated: “I don’t want to be the person that is hidden away from the rest of your life, that you only call up for sex when you feel like it.” He was insistent that he had no intention of treating me that way. We proceeded to have a great evening together, even going to hang out with some of his friends. Since then, I’ve heard from him, unprompted, once for a one-line text. We made tentative plans at my initiation and he said we’d “work out” which night we were going to go out. I never heard from him. I finally texted to say “Are you ok?” He replied that he’d been super busy. That was it.

It upset me and I had to carefully assess why. In past attempts at trying this, it’s been with people I had committed relationships with that didn’t work out. Bad idea to try to turn a committed relationship into a casual relationship. But that’s not what this is. I’m not in love with him and can’t imagine falling in love with him. He was someone to have drinks and dinner with, and provide the opportunity to be touched by someone other than my children while my heart healed. So it’s not hurt and it’s not jealousy. My negative feelings come from the realization that he wasn’t honest, that he does only ever call me for sex. It upsets me to make tentative plans with someone and have them blow me off, then offer no explanation as to why. It would have been a courtesy for him to say “I don’t think I’m going to be able to get together this week” or if it’s something bigger then to just give me the reason why. There are differences between a casual relationship and an apathetic, disrespectful one. I’m afraid this one has crossed to the wrong side too often for me to justify ever going out with him again. I’m not mad, I’m just not willing to tolerate someone treating me that way. What’s the point? So, when he contacts me, I’ll just let him know it’s not working for me anymore and wish him the best.

I keep thinking about trying to date again, but I just feel a strange reluctance. Spring is coming, so maybe at some point I’ll feel more motivated. For now, having an entire bedroom ceiling sounds really great. 🙂

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