The Walking Dead, Cutting Ties and Another Man’s Baby

Posted in Dating with tags , , , on March 20, 2014 by sexandthesinglesoccermom

Soooo…the last month…well, I’ll be glad to see April and pray it’s better than March.

For any fans of the Walking Dead, I will admit that I hated the latest episode. It reminded me of all the reasons I stopped watching, left me sobbing and hating myself for continuing this emotional self-sabotage of television viewing. Really? Having the older sister kill the younger sister? Then having Carol shoot the kid because she’s bat-shit crazy and a danger to all people she encounters? I’m kind of hating this show right now. The only silver lining is that it prompted a fountain of tears that were hovering on the brink tonight, just needing that final push. I wept and it felt at least marginally cleansing, even if the knot in my heart is still not completely gone from a COMPLETELY FICTIONAL TELEVISON SHOW!

In other news, I decided to go through my Facebook friends list and cut ties. Out went the ambiguous guy who flirted for months, turned out to have a girlfriend, yet still sends me texts at 1 a.m. randomly as a “friend”. Out went the fling who turned out to be incapable of being honest and grown-up, but still wanted to be “friends” on Facebook (but wasn’t capable of actually being a friend in real life).  The guy who insisted on posting intense political rants every other day…yup, I didn’t want to hear it anymore. I’m ready to start paring down the emotional baggage. I have enough of it in my life that seems impossible to get rid of; I don’t need it on social media.

Finally, taking a page of voyeurism from “they who must not be named”, I looked up a distant ex after they viewed my profile on LinkedIn. I knew they’d gotten married in the last couple of years. What I just found out is that they have an adorable new red-headed daughter. Now, it’s ridiculous of me to feel sad about this, but it left me with a great big ‘ole lump of sadness in my heart. I knew in my heart of hearts this wasn’t a relationship that would last because of the situation. He was my first love after my divorce and his career planned to take him out of state, while my divorce decree left me right smack where I was. But…I loved him. A lot. There’s a part of me that when I saw the beautiful pictures of his new baby, stomped my emotional feet and thought: “That should be MY baby.” Again…ridiculous. I don’t even know if I’d have wanted more kids. I think it’s more nostalgia for him, longing to love the father of my children and the misrepresentation that can exist on Facebook. Maybe his life is picture-perfect and maybe it’s not. Who knows? I only know that things weren’t right between us or he wouldn’t have left and all the nostalgia in the world won’t change that.

My children and I leave for the beach in slightly over a week. A week of no obligations, the sound of the ocean (which has always been the call of my soul) and hopefully, some sunshine. I very much need the reprieve from daily life and the stresses of the past couple of months.

Oh…and I have a date tomorrow night. I have very little expectations, but at the least it will be drinks and adult conversation!

 

 

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The Ebb and Flow of Feelings

Posted in anxiety, depression, Parenting, Relationships, self-esteem, self-improvement on March 5, 2014 by sexandthesinglesoccermom

So, just a few weeks ago I posted this wonderful blog about how much better I’ve been doing and how many moments of pure joy I’ve experienced lately. I even waxed poetic…something about stringing together the moments of joy into a necklace to light my way into dark days. Or some nonsense like that.

I wish my necklace had a few more moments on it.

I am trying to keep in mind that life and emotions are an ebb and flow and it’s easy to get trapped into thinking “I feel like shit today, so my life must be shit”. Or thinking that things are so wonderful and beautiful we’re surprised when things change on what feels like  a whim. Life, and feelings, are so fluid and transitory. But boy, it sure doesn’t feel that way when the dark times hit.

The last two weeks have been a big, steaming pile of crap. There was crap before, but I was managing to handle it. The extra crap, on top of the normal crap, is starting to wear me down.

My ceiling still has a hole in it, although at least an insurance adjuster is finally going to come and see if I can get it fixed ($750 deductible out of pocket). My car has to go in for work ($1027 out of pocket). I’m now sleeping, hopefully very temporarily, in my children’s bedroom in a family bed. Every night. I love them, but it’s starting to get to me. I’m cold all the time and I’ve almost lost all motivation to live except for in front of my heater or under a blanket. The realization (prompted by my father) that I hadn’t changed my furnace filter in years may, hopefully, lead to a warmer house. I had a horrific stomach bug for a week, yet had to drag myself to work because of drama. I’ve had ongoing drama with THEY WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED and it has really started to get old and wear on my spirit. I decided to get brave and ask someone out with whom there was a flirtation, only to be told that he had a “reputation” he had to uphold during his pending divorce and that he probably couldn’t be seen around town with me, but since I was cute he’d totally be up for a “make-out session” at his house. Hmmm…I think that only works if I hate myself. Since I don’t, I declined. I wondered if he might be a douchebag before I asked him out for a drink, but I didn’t expect such complete confirmation so quickly. My children have been at each other’s throats and my parenting has felt like it mainly consists of mediation lately. My workouts the last two weeks have been almost nonexistent and yesterday, when I worked out, I thought I might die. Today I’m so sore I can barely move.

And rolling around it all is the anger that is still percolating about my blog and the invasion that happened. I’ve had a lot of thoughts around ethics and what responsibility a writer has when discussing another person, even one whom they don’t specifically name. I’ll probably get around to that at a future date.  Yet I’m very much feeling like my blog is tainted, much as I did when D informed me he’d been reading it. Again, I can’t stop people from reading if I choose to publish it on the internet. But the strong feeling of ickiness and violation is persisting. I’ve had a promise the blog will never again be read by THEY WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED, but I heard that just last week and had it proven to me very quickly it wasn’t true.

So, I’m trying to take some deep breaths and remember these emotions are transitory. Life could change within a few minutes. Breathe through the bad times and don’t get too comfortable in the great times. Change is inevitable and I have to look for the beauty in every moment and accept it when things suck. Life isn’t out to get me, it’s just the journey.

Breathing in, breathing out…trying to be mindful and in the present moment. Crying when I need to cry and laughing when I need to laugh. Waiting for the sunshine and warmth to return and lend some cheer to what has felt like the long, hard winter. Only a few weeks until spring…

 

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The Zombie Apocolypse & FWB

Posted in casual encounters, Dating, Relationships with tags , , , , on February 21, 2014 by sexandthesinglesoccermom

At 5 a.m. Sunday morning, my bedroom ceiling collapsed.

Obviously, I’m still alive;  I managed to vacate the room 30 minutes before it happened. It was traumatic and I’m now coping with the nightmare of insurance and contractors. After sleeping with my children the first night, I decided to try winging it back in my room, now that the ceiling was all done falling.

Have you ever tried sleeping in a room with a gaping hole in the ceiling? Granted, the second floor is above me and the floorboards are still intact. But…there’s a big black hole, with tufts of moldy (a water leak caused the collapse) insulation poking out and occasionally drifting down onto the bed. Lying there, with the damp, moldy smell filling the room, I simply couldn’t relax. There was, of course, the fact that I had escaped being smashed by part of this ceiling very recently. On another mental track were the fears that began to rapidly surface. What if spiders fall onto my bed and crawl on me? Wait…what if I had mice, or even rats in the ceiling? Can snakes live in insulation? I once had raccoons that infested my attic–they even found a dead one in the insulation when they cleaned it out! What if there are dead raccoons? Or live raccoons?

To add fuel to the fire of a vivid imagination, I had spent three days watching back-to-back episodes of “The Walking Dead” on Netflix.  Now, I know, I know…zombies aren’t real. Yet the combination of the recent viewings, the feeling of being a squatter in a derelict house because of the gaping hole, the damp and moldy smell I was breathing in, well it all added up to a terrible night of no sleep. After that night, I decided to sleep in my children’s bedroom again.

In other news, the casual dating relationship I had re-entered is now over. I’m not sure he realizes it’s over, but I made the decision after he blew me off when we had tentative plans. When he asked to go out with me again and resume where we left off, after a break where he wanted to pursue someone else exclusively, I had a lot of reservations. Most of me thought it was probably healthiest and best that it had ended, after all, he wasn’t what I truly wanted and in some ways I felt I was short-changing myself. When his exclusive romance didn’t work out, he asked to see me again. I did so, after a long and honest discussion about what I didn’t want: To be a fuck buddy who is only called for sex. We both understood and were fine with being casual in terms of uncommitted, because there is full recognition that we don’t want to be long-term partners. I very clearly stated: “I don’t want to be the person that is hidden away from the rest of your life, that you only call up for sex when you feel like it.” He was insistent that he had no intention of treating me that way. We proceeded to have a great evening together, even going to hang out with some of his friends. Since then, I’ve heard from him, unprompted, once for a one-line text. We made tentative plans at my initiation and he said we’d “work out” which night we were going to go out. I never heard from him. I finally texted to say “Are you ok?” He replied that he’d been super busy. That was it.

It upset me and I had to carefully assess why. In past attempts at trying this, it’s been with people I had committed relationships with that didn’t work out. Bad idea to try to turn a committed relationship into a casual relationship. But that’s not what this is. I’m not in love with him and can’t imagine falling in love with him. He was someone to have drinks and dinner with, and provide the opportunity to be touched by someone other than my children while my heart healed. So it’s not hurt and it’s not jealousy. My negative feelings come from the realization that he wasn’t honest, that he does only ever call me for sex. It upsets me to make tentative plans with someone and have them blow me off, then offer no explanation as to why. It would have been a courtesy for him to say “I don’t think I’m going to be able to get together this week” or if it’s something bigger then to just give me the reason why. There are differences between a casual relationship and an apathetic, disrespectful one. I’m afraid this one has crossed to the wrong side too often for me to justify ever going out with him again. I’m not mad, I’m just not willing to tolerate someone treating me that way. What’s the point? So, when he contacts me, I’ll just let him know it’s not working for me anymore and wish him the best.

I keep thinking about trying to date again, but I just feel a strange reluctance. Spring is coming, so maybe at some point I’ll feel more motivated. For now, having an entire bedroom ceiling sounds really great. 🙂

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I Am My Own Valentine (And It’s Pretty Frickin’ Awesome)

Posted in Dating, depression, love, self-esteem, self-improvement, Valentine's Day with tags , , , , on February 14, 2014 by sexandthesinglesoccermom

Valentine’s Day.

The day in which couples feel pressured to prove their love with chocolate, flowers, lingerie and any number of trinkets and material goods. The holiday that makes singles cringe in shame that they have failed to secure someone who will buy them a Hallmark card and a box of truffles.

I’ve always thought Valentine’s Day was kind of sweet and kind of ridiculous. Traditionally, I get my children cards, chocolates and a stuffed animal and they give me small, homemade gifts. I’ve received Valentines from two people in my entire life, one being my ex-husband and one was a man I dated for 10 weeks who ended up stalking me for 4 months after I ended things. With everyone else…either we opted to not celebrate it, the timing was off, or we broke up before the holiday arrived. The last two years I was, each time, recovering from deep heartbreak (which is what happens when you’re stupid enough to get back together with someone repeatedly, after they’ve shown they can’t be trusted with your heart). And…I was sad. I let myself feel rejected and unloved and unworthy. I cried and moped and sunk further into the depression I was in.

This year, I decided to fully embrace the day and all that it is supposed to represent. I’m done with feeling like I’ve somehow failed or am inferior to those who’ve managed to stay coupled, just because I haven’t met someone who really rocks my world for longer than a few months or a year. I’m through with thinking the relationships that didn’t work out, the men who had too much baggage to love,  or those who didn’t love me enough to even treat me with respect and courtesy are about my failings as a human being. I’m far from perfect, but I am a shining, beautiful, worthy woman. I believe one day I will meet a kind, strong man who will be brave enough to love, healthy enough to be with me, who will be thrilled to have me by his side. If somehow that man and I never cross paths, I will STILL be that shining, beautiful worthy woman.

So today I haven’t shied away from love or talk of love. Why should I? Love is a beautiful experience and I’ve had it, lost it and look forward to finding it again. I booked myself a massage and enjoyed the sensuous pleasure of having someone touch me with warm, strong hands. I bought a drink at a coffee shop and browsed row upon row of books. I bought flowers; bright, happy flowers in shades of spring and sun and some beautiful, lacy underwear and perfume in my favorite fragrance. I’ve got a bath bomb that will release essential oils and flower petals into my hot bath later, during which I will enjoy a new novel and a glass of red wine. Afterwards I will get out, smelling and feeling delicious, and make a chocolate soufflé for one and settle in for a romantic comedy. I’ve got a playlist of love songs in the background. I may cry at some point, because the rich surfeit of my emotions sometimes spills over into tears. And that’s okay too. Crying is healthy and cleansing and sometimes is about feelings things very strongly, rather than just about feeling sad.

I am my own Valentine and while I love loving someone else, there’s something pretty awesome about loving myself.

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Gun-shy

Posted in Dating, depression, online dating, Relationships, self-improvement with tags , on February 11, 2014 by sexandthesinglesoccermom

I find myself in a curious place.

I’m not in a lonely, sobbing little heap anymore. I still have plenty of times when I’m blue or lonely, but I no longer feel my life is a downward spiral of hopeless unhappiness. I have many days when I am joyful and have worked really hard the last few months to expand my circles and lift myself up out of depression. My life isn’t perfect, but it feels a hell of a lot better than it did a year ago. And…I’m very single. Don’t get me wrong, there is a person that I’ve dated very casually for the last couple of months. It’s not going anywhere and at one point, I thought it was completely over, then he popped back up.  I don’t love him, he doesn’t love me and we have a good time.

Still, I dream of something more with someone.

And for the first time in my life, I’m scared of attempting it.

I mean, there have been times when I’ve been hurt badly enough I’ve been afraid of “getting back out there”. Yet the fear of being alone was stronger, so I always plunged back into dating pretty quickly. This time, I feel mostly okay for the first time in quite awhile. It’s a lot better than not okay, which is where I was for many months. The pitfalls of dating seem perilous and leave me …reluctant. I find myself putting off getting back into the dating scene. I’m not hiding from it, but I’m making very little effort to embrace it.

Yet I also know there comes a point where fear can be paralyzing.

I’m left trying to assess what is a healthy balance of being okay on my own and what is making excuses to avoid something that, ultimately, I really want. A real relationship, with someone who’s emotionally healthy and mature enough to handle it. Someone to walk hand in hand with, share the triumphs and hardships of the day with, to curl around at night. Because while I have affection for the casual dating partner and enjoy his company most times we’re together, he doesn’t move me. There’s always a level of emptiness in the pit of my stomach when I drive home.

At what point does being afraid to date turn into a problem that’s just as serious as being afraid to not date?

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What A Difference A Year Makes

Posted in Relationships, self-esteem, self-improvement, women's liberation with tags , , , on February 3, 2014 by sexandthesinglesoccermom

Today I went out with some friends for lunch and over coffee and quiche, the conversation turned deep and intense. Discussion of past relationships and their effect on our psyches, revelations of chinks in our self-esteem, our fears and insecurities. I shared with them a realization I’d had just the other day that disturbed me: Whenever someone asks me how things are going, I always feel like I need to qualify it if I’m not in a successful relationship. It occurred to me the lens through which I see myself and my worth as an individual is colored very intensely by whether or not I am successfully coupled with someone. That struck me as ridiculous and limiting and I felt determined to change the way I see myself.

After the conversation, I got to musing about the past year of my life. This time last year I was a complete mess. The final phase of my relationship with D had ended with great finality and my self-esteem and emotional health were depleted. I went into a deep depression and felt like I had fallen into an abyss I’d never be able to pull myself out of. I hadn’t experienced such bleakness since the end of my marriage and I despaired, feeling completely broken. I questioned life, even knowing I had to continue living for the sake of my children. Yet dragging myself through the motions of trying to live with the weight of sadness which lay on my heart was exhausting. The realization that I wanted to cease existing because of the level of pain I was in terrified me. I knew I couldn’t continue any longer.

So I went back into therapy. Boy, was that a grueling and uncomfortable process! A brand new therapist who refused to be gentle with me, who refused to allow me to hide. Instead, he relentlessly pulled back all my layers until I felt fragile and exposed. Only when I was completely naked and shivering emotionally, sitting and weeping until I thought I’d be ill, did he say “Now. Now I finally feel like I see you. Maybe it’s time you let other people see the real you too.” I hated him for months while I tried to do the hard work of dealing with all of my accumulated shit.

I went back and tried again with an ex-lover whom I’d walked away from during the turmoil with D. It was a mistake and I realized too late his issues were trigger buttons for me that I couldn’t accept, so I ran before I could love him. I still feel sorrow knowing I hurt him, even as I know I could have loved him and it would have ended in more pain for both of us. I found another lover who swept me up in his intense, sexy madness until I felt drenched in pure, undiluted passion. When it was over, suddenly, I learned how to feel my grief and anger completely, then release them. I let him go and this time, unlike with so many others, I didn’t try to make it work when it clearly wasn’t going to.

I sit here tonight in my cozy little cottage home, sipping a glass of wine and looking out at the snow that’s falling down, contemplating where I’m at in life. Several times over the last month or two, I’ve felt pure joy for no reason at all. In fact, yesterday and today I was mostly filled with contentment and for a few moments, profound happiness.

The unusual feelings coursing through my body–lightness, hope, freedom, joy–elicited such an intense response I felt tears come to my eyes. I think in the last year, all the hard work and soul-searching I’ve been doing has started to finally pay off. The albatross of my failed relationship with D finally lifted from my neck and set me free. The feelings of diminishment are gone; I feel empowered, strong and healthy. Even my troubled relationship with the father of my children has given me fresh perspective on the end of my marriage and all the pain that resided there.

I’m not naïve enough to think this feeling will last forever. I’ve struggled with depression off and on most of my life. Yet I feel like I’ve pulled myself up out of the abyss and at least for now, achieved a victory. What a difference a year can make in someone’s life! My realistic hope is that my determination last year to get healthy emotionally and physically and the work I’ve done since then will allow me to maintain the momentum, so those moments of happiness begin to string together into a necklace of light I can wrap around myself in moments when the darkness comes. Memories that whisper, “Hey, you’ve been here before and you made your way out. You’ve got this!” and help illuminate my path.

For right this moment, I’m going to try really hard to enjoy pleasures as they come: Making snow angels with my children until our cheeks are crimson with cold and laughter. The cozy comfort of warm blankets while the snow falls outside. The bittersweet taste of chocolate on my tongue while I dive into a good book. The luxuriousness of a hot bubble bath and a cold glass of wine. The pleasure of touching and being touched. The joy of singing at the top of my lungs while I clean my house. The look of amazement on my daughter’s face when we achieve baking the perfect cheesecake.  The strength and power in my body when I do downward dog or warrior pose. The realization that I’m powerful and complete all by myself and that a partner is something I want, not something I need.

The hope and promise that each day brings when I’m not so lost in the darkness I can’t see it. For at least tonight, that necklace of happy moments is hanging around my neck, lighting my way into the year to come.

 

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It Lives!

Posted in Dating, online dating, Relationships, self-esteem, self-improvement with tags , , , , , , on January 14, 2014 by sexandthesinglesoccermom

Just in case you were wondering…I’m still alive.

I spent the latter part of December enjoying my children and family, doing holiday activities, watching Netflix and sleeping a lot. I’ve dubbed 2013 the holiday season of porn. On Christmas Eve, left alone without my children, I watched the film “Lovelace” about the movie “Deep Throat” and the actress who starred in it. On New Year’s Eve, left alone without my children, I watched “Don Jon”, a movie about a guy (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) who is addicted to porn. I’m loving telling family and coworkers my holiday season had a porn theme, but only because my sense of humor is twisted like that.

I’ve also done a lot of introspective soul-searching, about what is great in my life and what needs to change. Of course, not all things are within our power to change. Sometimes only our perception of them is within our control. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to honestly assess what falls where.

A brief fling ended, amicably. It always had an expiration date and I was never in danger of falling in love with him, which felt like exactly what I needed at the time. When it ended, I felt a slight pang of ego, but not even a tiny bit of heartbreak. The fact that it ended right before the New Year felt symbolic, as I knew that in some ways I was hiding behind dating him. He was a nice distraction for a little while, but ultimately I knew I’d never want to stay with him and I was starting to realize I needed to end it, yet not wanting to give up the company. Still, sometimes you need to create an empty space before you can fill it up with what you really want.

And now I’m contemplating diving back into the dating process. I’m a mixture of hopeful and apprehensive. The last year did actually teach me a lot about myself. So, I’m planning to put myself out there again. I will be gentle with myself if it takes time; some things are simply not within my control. When and where I find love is one of those things. Sure, I can make choices that might increase or decrease my chances, but I can’t force love to show up on a schedule. And that’s okay.

And…I think it’s time for me to get serious about my book.

So, it’s a good start to 2014. I hope everyone else has been enjoying the beginning of the new year!

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When People Show You Who They Are, Believe Them

Posted in Dating, intuition, Relationships with tags , , , on December 6, 2013 by sexandthesinglesoccermom

I was having a conversation with someone the other day and she said something I thought was very profound: “When people show you who they are, believe them.”

One of my recent posts was about intuition and this seems to go hand in hand. So often in my life I’ve had people show me behavior that I attempted to justify, soften or simply overlook because I wanted to believe something different about them. Instead of acknowledging and seeing the truth, even if it was a truth I didn’t like, I made up a story in my head.

“He doesn’t give me more time because he’s so busy.”

“He’s distant and seems awkward with emotion because he’s been hurt in the past. If I’m just patient, he’ll learn to open up and be closer to me.”

“He’s not trying to be mean, he’s trying to be funny.”

“It’s because he’s so attracted to me that he keeps pushing the boundaries way too early.”

The excuse list could stretch on for pages and pages. Later, when I wound up hurt or incredibly frustrated with their behavior, I wondered how I could have read them so wrong.

The truth is, I wasn’t reading them at all. They had been giving me the information I needed all along, yet I refused to see it because it wasn’t what I wanted to see. I WANTED them to be different, so I adjusted my vision accordingly.

I recently got a very good example of this. I’ve written in another post about the man who continues to give me mixed signals, never openly telling me he’s interested, but always giving me plenty of reasons to believe he is. I recently discovered he has a girlfriend that lives out of state–a girlfriend he’s failed to mention for the entire two months I’ve known him. The other day when texting me, he sent a very romantic and passionate message that was completely out of context with our conversation. When I expressed my confusion, he wrote a quick sentence about it being sent by mistake. Yeah…he mistakenly sent it to me instead of his girlfriend! I prompted him for information and he quickly changed the subject, still trying to conceal his relationship status. When I first met him I thought he was a bit of a jerk, then allowed myself to begin to write a different story for him after he started befriending me. But the mixed signals, the slight effort at pursuit that never goes anywhere, the unwillingness to ever make plans while always hinting at the desire to make plans…he was giving me information.

He’s been telling me who he is, now I need to believe him. From now on, I will try to see the truths people give me about themselves and not look away simply because it isn’t the truth I want. It might not be the answer to everything, but it might smooth out some of the bumps along the way.

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Finding the Gratitude

Posted in Dating, intuition, love, Relationships with tags , , on November 28, 2013 by sexandthesinglesoccermom

It’s the eve of Thanksgiving and I always like to reflect on the wonderful things I have or have had in my life. It’s so easy to focus on the negative–the things I don’t have or the people who have hurt me in the past. So much of this blog is about processing all the shit. Frankly, there’s been a lot of shit in the past decade. For tonight, I’d like to just think of the good things. So tonight I’m going to take a walk down memory lane with my relationships, focusing only on the good from each one. I’m going to focus on both something I loved about the relationship and a life lesson I took away as a result of it.

From my ex-husband I took away two beautiful, brilliant, amazing kids. I will always be grateful that out of the love I once had for him, my two favorite things in life came into existence. From our relationship, I learned that it’s better to leave no matter how impossible the leaving seems, or you risk becoming someone you don’t recognize. I also learned that no matter what my own insecurities might be, to never let them hang out with a partner. It’s not sexy or attractive to look to your partner for your own self-esteem. I learned to start looking for my own.

From Z, the man I loved right after my marriage ended, I will always love the humor we shared. I love the deep thoughtfulness he brought to our conversations. I love that he loved me, even if it wasn’t enough in the end.  I also got my first lesson in not pretending something is enough, just so you won’t have to say goodbye.

L gave me a flirty sort of fun that made me think I might have found “the one”, at least for a couple of months. I loved how tender and protective he could be sometimes. There were many, many times that even after our breakup, he made me feel as though I had someone who cared enough about me that I could call and say “I need you to be there for me.” He was my second lesson in the failure of pretending something is enough when it’s not, just so I wouldn’t lose him. Maybe with enough lessons, I’ll learn! I also learned that if something went wrong the first time, a second or third time of trying is probably not going to make it right.

I had to spend more time thinking about D, to try to remember the good. Tonight is the two year anniversary of our first breakup. Interestingly enough, the good from the relationship is also tied to what it taught me. D was the first man with whom I saw the hope of a lasting relationship, who seemed to progress the relationship to a committed level that appeared as though it could go the distance. That was, briefly, a reassurance I’d badly needed. The life lesson came from learning that when it feels like a man is barely contributing to the relationship, it signals something that shouldn’t be ignored, no matter what excuse he gives for why he can’t give more. People put time and effort into what they value, yet I rarely felt valued. The life lesson is to not settle for something mediocre when you know you want and deserve more, out of a desperate desire to have someone willing to love and stay with you. If you don’t feel loved and desired, what’s the point? I also got a reminder in why trying to make things work multiple times, when the person broke your heart the first time, is a very bad idea. The gratitude comes in having the pain finally eased to where it doesn’t feel crippling and in knowing I learned so much about what I don’t want the next time.

With J, my barely born relationship, there were many things to love and feel gratitude for. I am grateful for the feeling of radiant joy I felt during the two months we were together; it was unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. I’m grateful for the easy physical affection he always established; he was quick to hold my hand, put his arms around me or kiss me at times when it wasn’t just about trying to get me in bad. In fact, walking hand-in-hand with him is the memory that comes to mind for me first. Well…after the sex! I am grateful for the fun and child-like joy I experienced on every date with him. I’m grateful for the deep sexuality that he brought out in me that managed, ironically enough, to feel healthy in a way some of my others have not. In the end, the life lesson I learned was to trust my intuition. Listen to the voice within that tells me when loving someone, although tempting, is a really bad idea.

In my life right now I have many things to be grateful for:

My children, with whom I share a deep bond of love. They are amazing and wonderful, even in the times when they drive me bonkers. They’ve made me a better person and I can only hope I’ll help them grow into better people.

A job that I enjoy and that I’m fairly good at, that also means something besides just a paycheck. It’s not every person who can find fulfillment and meaning in their work, outside of just making a living. I’ve found it.

A cozy little cottage home that shelters us. A car that still runs well. That all our basic physical needs are met and many, many beyond that. That on the Maslow hierarchy of needs, I’m at the top and have the luxury to sit here and ponder my life and the meaning of it.

I’m healthy. That the medical issue my youngest child has is treatable and that between her father and I, we can afford treatment that keeps her symptoms mostly at bay, most of the time.

That I have a community of friends and family to help be a support system for myself and my children. That I have some dear friends in whom I confide the secrets of my soul, whom I trust to keep them safe.

For everyone tonight and into the holiday weekend, I wish you joy and peace. I hope the list of good things in your life outweighs the bad. We all have our burdens to bear and sometimes they feel very heavy. May your burdens feel lightened by the grace of the good.

Happy Thanksgiving.

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The Power of Intuition

Posted in Dating, intuition, love, online dating, Relationships, self-improvement with tags , , , , on November 24, 2013 by sexandthesinglesoccermom

I’ve always had a gift for reading people. Since I was young, I could size people up quickly. I could hear inflections in their voice, see quick glimpses of expression and observe subtle body language that seemed to elude a lot of other people. I could strongly sense if someone was friend or foe and a lot of things in-between.

There have, however, been two gaping holes in the power of my intuition throughout my life. One is the desire to have people be other than what they are and the belief that if I simply give someone enough of a chance, they can overcome the first impression that I receive from them. The second, hinging strongly upon the first, is my tendency to completely ignore my intuition when it comes to men that I’m interested in.

This was recently proven to me quite effectively in a benign sort of way. I met a man, an attractive man who ended up asking me out. He was very quiet throughout most of the social gathering and mainly stared at me. If I got a quick image at one point during our evening, as he sat placidly eating a large slice of cheesecake, of a brown-eyed cow chewing his cud, I chastised myself for my mean judgment and deemed him “reserved”. Yet…our subsequent three dates that followed would prove that “reserved” can also mean “quiet” or even “boring”. He would primarily sit, throughout the date, staring at me with nothing to say. I carried almost the entire conversation and he would speak only when prompted. At one point, when asked pointedly why he was staring at me without speaking, he volunteered: “You’re just so pretty to look at.” He gave enough interesting information on the first date that I determined there must be more beneath the surface, just waiting to come out if given enough time. Nope. After two more dates, it was more boring and awkward than ever. I quickly grew tired of being an ornament that he gazed at without speaking.

My most recent attempt at a relationship with J followed much the same path. Our email and phone conversations left me with an impression of someone who was slightly off, but after repeated attempts to woo me into a date, I acquiesced. Upon meeting him, my initial judgment was of someone who had a difficult time responding appropriately to social and emotional cues, seemed to nearly burn with  frenetic intensity and who had a significant amount of emotional damage. Yet…I told myself not to judge him by his childhood and his former addictions. Lust and a tender heart toward the little, abandoned boy he once was had me muting those voices in my head that said: “Run”. So I stayed, fell, and found out the hard way just how correct my intuition about him was.

I’ve had to admit that even D, as I approach the two year anniversary of the first time he emotionally gutted me, rubbed my intuition the wrong way upon our initial date. As he strutted toward me across the restaurant, finger pointed towards me in triumphant pleasure over a practical joke he played before he even met me face-to-face, my first thought was “Schmucky, insincere frat-boy turned yuppy with a strong streak of mean”. Instead of heeding that intuition, which I would receive tiny glimpses of again and again throughout our nearly 19 month arc, I let myself come to see his other good qualities and fell in love. If I’d simply walked away after that first date, I could have saved myself a lot of heartbreak and angst.

Yet therein lies my dilemma: No human being is ever only one thing. D did prove to be schmucky, insincere and to have a strong streak of meanness. He could also be unconventional, loving and tender. J was a person who had spent a lifetime running from his emotional damage and thus, couldn’t understand the emotional cues of others because of his addictions. Yet he was also intelligent, deep and exciting.

My glitch lies in always wanting to see the best qualities of another person. I’ve always believe that was the right thing to do, the loving thing to do. Yet I’ve wasted a lot of time and energy doing it. After all, the man who beats his wife so badly she ends up in the hospital didn’t win her, initially, with his abuse. He won her with his good qualities, with the best part of himself. In the end, though, if she’d listened to the voice that told her he seemed to fly off the handle easily or needed to control others a bit too much, perhaps she could have avoided that hospital trip altogether.

How would my life have been different if I’d listened to my intuition from the very first moment I met someone? Is being judgmental a bad thing or a good thing? Or does it depend on the individual doing the judging? I’ve always been able to sort out the surface from the interior pretty easily, so perhaps it’s easier to trust my gut. When do you temper a poor first impression with the ability to give people a second chance? These are some of the questions I’m having to ponder. According to my therapist, I need to be more judgmental. I’ve also realized my initial first impressions have always been right, I’ve simply ignored them. Yet… something about the concept of being judgmental troubles me.

Where is the boundary between acceptance and judgment?

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