Archive for friendship

When People Show You Who They Are, Believe Them

Posted in Dating, intuition, Relationships with tags , , , on December 6, 2013 by sexandthesinglesoccermom

I was having a conversation with someone the other day and she said something I thought was very profound: “When people show you who they are, believe them.”

One of my recent posts was about intuition and this seems to go hand in hand. So often in my life I’ve had people show me behavior that I attempted to justify, soften or simply overlook because I wanted to believe something different about them. Instead of acknowledging and seeing the truth, even if it was a truth I didn’t like, I made up a story in my head.

“He doesn’t give me more time because he’s so busy.”

“He’s distant and seems awkward with emotion because he’s been hurt in the past. If I’m just patient, he’ll learn to open up and be closer to me.”

“He’s not trying to be mean, he’s trying to be funny.”

“It’s because he’s so attracted to me that he keeps pushing the boundaries way too early.”

The excuse list could stretch on for pages and pages. Later, when I wound up hurt or incredibly frustrated with their behavior, I wondered how I could have read them so wrong.

The truth is, I wasn’t reading them at all. They had been giving me the information I needed all along, yet I refused to see it because it wasn’t what I wanted to see. I WANTED them to be different, so I adjusted my vision accordingly.

I recently got a very good example of this. I’ve written in another post about the man who continues to give me mixed signals, never openly telling me he’s interested, but always giving me plenty of reasons to believe he is. I recently discovered he has a girlfriend that lives out of state–a girlfriend he’s failed to mention for the entire two months I’ve known him. The other day when texting me, he sent a very romantic and passionate message that was completely out of context with our conversation. When I expressed my confusion, he wrote a quick sentence about it being sent by mistake. Yeah…he mistakenly sent it to me instead of his girlfriend! I prompted him for information and he quickly changed the subject, still trying to conceal his relationship status. When I first met him I thought he was a bit of a jerk, then allowed myself to begin to write a different story for him after he started befriending me. But the mixed signals, the slight effort at pursuit that never goes anywhere, the unwillingness to ever make plans while always hinting at the desire to make plans…he was giving me information.

He’s been telling me who he is, now I need to believe him. From now on, I will try to see the truths people give me about themselves and not look away simply because it isn’t the truth I want. It might not be the answer to everything, but it might smooth out some of the bumps along the way.

Advertisements

Who Are You Again??

Posted in Dating, friendship, Relationships with tags , , , on October 8, 2013 by sexandthesinglesoccermom

Yesterday I went to a Meet-up Group in an attempt to make new friends and get out of the house. As I approach the group, I’m greeted by a man who pulls out a chair for me next to him. In appreciation at the warm gesture, I smile and reach out a hand to introduce myself.

“We’ve met before.” He says laconically. I must confess to some concerns about my memory lately, so feeling disconcerted, I study him for a moment. Try as I might, I’m getting nothing.

“I’m sorry…” I begin tentatively, hoping to get more information.

“We went out on a Match.com date.” He says, with a slightly amused, smug expression.

I stare at him in what I knew was an unacceptable state of non-recognition for several more seconds…brain scanning memory banks for nondescript, smug, arrogant single date encounters…Aha!

“Right.” I say confidently (as though I hadn’t completely and totally forgotten ever meeting him). “We went to —.” (Naming the Thai restaurant we visited.)

With sudden total clarity, I remembered my date with him: He was a pretentious, arrogant, number-dropping, dismissive to the server dinner companion with whom I had the rare experience of finding nothing redeeming about the evening except for the food. Typically, even my bad dates are so comically bad they make for a good story. Or, although not interested in a second date, I still manage to have a decent evening. Usually there is at the least an experience of having some common ground to cling to during conversation. This was a date where nothing dramatic happened, but I didn’t have a good time and really didn’t like him. He was boring and there was zero chemistry on any level, but that was it.

What bothers me is that I didn’t recognize him at all. Nothing. Nada. Zip. My brain finally did what it was supposed to with a lot of prompting, but otherwise I would have gone through the entire Meet-up with no clue I’d spent an hour and a half with this man just a couple of years ago. I began to frantically catalog all of my dates, to see if there were any additional ominous gaps. Then I realized how ridiculous that was, because how can you remember something you’ve forgotten, but don’t realize you’ve forgotten?

Forgetful

Is forgetting a date even remotely normal? Does it mean I’m dating too much? Do I need to start taking Ginkgo Biloba? One person told me it was a very “guy” thing to do. A friend who goes out of his way for shock value called me a “slut” when I relayed the story. That’s a pretty big stretch; if I’d slept with him and couldn’t remember him, I’d be a lot more worried. It’s entirely possible I’m overthinking this, but I do wonder if it says something about my dating habits.

We head into the movie we’re all there to see and I choose to sit in a different aisle than him , winding up with two guys who seemed close to my age. We make small talk before the movie and commentary during, then decide to go grab a bite to eat afterwards. One of the guys has jackass potential (his critique of the movie was that the actress—portraying a woman in deep space trying to survive—didn’t wear enough makeup or try hard enough to be attractive). The other guy seemed interesting and got my number at the end of the meal; it’s possible he could be fun to grab a drink or go to a concert with. Interestingly enough, the other guy sent me a long email the next day “extending the hand of friendship”.
While I don’t think either of them would be matches for me as partners, maybe I focus too much on the long-term. I’m lonely and I really need some friends and people I can call to go hang out sometimes. I’m trying to not slap a Band-Aid on my most recent dating adventure and the deepened depression it’s prompted. It would be really easy to just find someone else to date, in the hopes that THIS person would make me feel better…fix me…lift me up out of the depression. While I’m not going to make any more grand proclamations about not dating, I am trying to breathe through this and not jump for the quick fix.

So, I think I’ll continue to attend various Meet-up groups, hoping to make new friends of both genders. At the very least, having more people in my circle should be a good thing. Loneliness does not help depression, nor does not having a good support system.
Hopefully I will remember all of my new friends!

Pulled Back From The Brink

Posted in Dating, friendship, Relationships with tags on January 11, 2013 by sexandthesinglesoccermom

So, I’m sure it will brighten your Friday to know I’m feeling much better this morning. Last night found me with my finger hovering over my ex-lover’s telephone number, sobbing hysterically, wanting support and a caring voice. It’s particularly ironic to me that he was my first choice, considering some of the issues when we were a couple and our brief stint attempting to be friends. I was in distress and I wanted reassurance, so I suppose it’s not that crazy. I did love him and I think there’s still a good chance that if I said: “I’m desperate and I need you to talk to me” that he’d respond. Fortunately, I sent an SOS to my dear friend and she responded immediately.

Thank you, dear friend, for being there for me last night. Thank you for helping to pull me back from the brink of making a bad decision. Thanks for offering unconditional support. I know I can always count on you to be firmly in MY court, which means a lot. I have some wonderful, loving people in my life who would listen and do their best to support me. They also sometimes feel the need to help me reach a place of enlightenment and understanding during the conversation, which is a wonderful thing at the right time. However, when seething or sobbing, it can sometimes just make me feel worse. So, thank you for listening and affirming, but trusting me enough as a human being to know that I would eventually be able to  “take the high road” without you prompting it. By the end of the conversation my humor was restored, my tears were dried and I was able to sleep.

Romance is wonderful, but true friendship can’t be replaced. Thank you for being my friend, for listening, for bringing me Starbucks unexpectedly just to brighten my day. You are valued and loved and my life would be much emptier without you!

 

friendship 2