Archive for the friendship Category

Who Are You Again??

Posted in Dating, friendship, Relationships with tags , , , on October 8, 2013 by sexandthesinglesoccermom

Yesterday I went to a Meet-up Group in an attempt to make new friends and get out of the house. As I approach the group, I’m greeted by a man who pulls out a chair for me next to him. In appreciation at the warm gesture, I smile and reach out a hand to introduce myself.

“We’ve met before.” He says laconically. I must confess to some concerns about my memory lately, so feeling disconcerted, I study him for a moment. Try as I might, I’m getting nothing.

“I’m sorry…” I begin tentatively, hoping to get more information.

“We went out on a Match.com date.” He says, with a slightly amused, smug expression.

I stare at him in what I knew was an unacceptable state of non-recognition for several more seconds…brain scanning memory banks for nondescript, smug, arrogant single date encounters…Aha!

“Right.” I say confidently (as though I hadn’t completely and totally forgotten ever meeting him). “We went to —.” (Naming the Thai restaurant we visited.)

With sudden total clarity, I remembered my date with him: He was a pretentious, arrogant, number-dropping, dismissive to the server dinner companion with whom I had the rare experience of finding nothing redeeming about the evening except for the food. Typically, even my bad dates are so comically bad they make for a good story. Or, although not interested in a second date, I still manage to have a decent evening. Usually there is at the least an experience of having some common ground to cling to during conversation. This was a date where nothing dramatic happened, but I didn’t have a good time and really didn’t like him. He was boring and there was zero chemistry on any level, but that was it.

What bothers me is that I didn’t recognize him at all. Nothing. Nada. Zip. My brain finally did what it was supposed to with a lot of prompting, but otherwise I would have gone through the entire Meet-up with no clue I’d spent an hour and a half with this man just a couple of years ago. I began to frantically catalog all of my dates, to see if there were any additional ominous gaps. Then I realized how ridiculous that was, because how can you remember something you’ve forgotten, but don’t realize you’ve forgotten?

Forgetful

Is forgetting a date even remotely normal? Does it mean I’m dating too much? Do I need to start taking Ginkgo Biloba? One person told me it was a very “guy” thing to do. A friend who goes out of his way for shock value called me a “slut” when I relayed the story. That’s a pretty big stretch; if I’d slept with him and couldn’t remember him, I’d be a lot more worried. It’s entirely possible I’m overthinking this, but I do wonder if it says something about my dating habits.

We head into the movie we’re all there to see and I choose to sit in a different aisle than him , winding up with two guys who seemed close to my age. We make small talk before the movie and commentary during, then decide to go grab a bite to eat afterwards. One of the guys has jackass potential (his critique of the movie was that the actress—portraying a woman in deep space trying to survive—didn’t wear enough makeup or try hard enough to be attractive). The other guy seemed interesting and got my number at the end of the meal; it’s possible he could be fun to grab a drink or go to a concert with. Interestingly enough, the other guy sent me a long email the next day “extending the hand of friendship”.
While I don’t think either of them would be matches for me as partners, maybe I focus too much on the long-term. I’m lonely and I really need some friends and people I can call to go hang out sometimes. I’m trying to not slap a Band-Aid on my most recent dating adventure and the deepened depression it’s prompted. It would be really easy to just find someone else to date, in the hopes that THIS person would make me feel better…fix me…lift me up out of the depression. While I’m not going to make any more grand proclamations about not dating, I am trying to breathe through this and not jump for the quick fix.

So, I think I’ll continue to attend various Meet-up groups, hoping to make new friends of both genders. At the very least, having more people in my circle should be a good thing. Loneliness does not help depression, nor does not having a good support system.
Hopefully I will remember all of my new friends!

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Our Last Goodbye

Posted in friendship, Relationships, self-improvement with tags , , , , on March 8, 2013 by sexandthesinglesoccermom

“Kiss me, please kiss me/But kiss me out of desire, babe, and not consolation/You know it makes me so angry ’cause I know that in time/I’ll only make you cry, this is our last goodbye” ~ Jeff Buckley

Marina Abramović is an intense Serbian-born performance artist who’s work spanned the early 70’s until present day. In 1976, upon moving to Amsterdam, she met the German artist Ulay. An intense professional and personal relationship ensued.

For a decade they collaborated, exploring themes of ego and identity. One of their famous performances, “Breathing In/Breathing Out”, was an exceptionally personal piece that explored the ability of one person to absorb, exchange, and destroy the life of another. They stood, mouth to mouth, breathing in each other’s exhalations until they had used up the entire supply of oxygen between them. Seventeen minutes after beginning, they both fell to the floor unconscious.

The last couple of years of their union were tense; finally, they decided to part ways. In a spiritual journey inspired by a dream of Marina’s, they decide to begin at opposite ends of the Great Wall of China and walk until they reach each other in the middle. Then they embrace and part ways, never to meet again. Until…

Marina Abramović & Ulay meet after 22 years

Watch the video. Trust me, it’s worth it.

So, why couldn’t I and my ex-partners manage this grace?

I can only speak from my own perspective, not that of the men I loved. For me, there was such pain in the parting and rarely was it completely mutual. With D, the closest we came to a mutual parting was in the spring of last year. Yet even then, I had such repressed anger, resentment and hurt; parting wasn’t what I wanted, but neither did I want to subject myself to the relationship as it existed. So, is it ego that kept it from being graceful? Or was it that neither of us left it alone? D and I have parted ways three times, yet didn’t allow the parting to stand. We reconnected after brief separations, while feelings were still in place and wounds were still fresh. We didn’t allow time to add layers of softness to the experience, or give grace the chance to take root and unfurl.

Or perhaps these two artists were simply more evolved as human beings. Maybe during their artistic work involving the ego, they learned to take the ego out of the relationship OR realize when it was affecting their choices. Did this allow them to realize when letting go was going to be the most loving thing they could do? Is that what gave them the strength to walk away, only to meet again for that single, poignant moment years later?

For me, this was inspiration that I very much needed. This is what I aspire to: That if love ends, for either party, that I can have the grace to let go and walk away without allowing the memory of the love to be tainted. Even if the other persons actions were hurtful or selfish. Afterall, this couple had literally breathed each other’s breath until they both fainted. They had been together in a passionate love affair, and been collaborative artists, for over a decade. There must have been pain and conflict as their romantic union began to erode. Yet in the end they achieved grace.

I’m not currently evolved enough to accomplish what they did, but I want to be. I can only get there by doing my own soul work and finding my own answers. Continuing to live in a state of hurt and anger over the choices of others (and wondering why they aren’t doing THEIR work) will never get me where I want to go.

I’ve already shared my last goodbye with my previous partners, but perhaps this can be a lesson for me in future relationships. Letting go when it’s time, having the strength to let the separation stand, then having the character and dignity to move forward (instead of going back to something that wasn’t working, simply because there is pain in the letting go)…this is what I will strive for.

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Back In The Saddle Again, So To Speak

Posted in Dating, friendship, Relationships on February 12, 2013 by sexandthesinglesoccermom

So, I’m dating again.

Yes, it’s two months before my 6 month challenge. Yet I have what I consider very valid reasons…

I’ve had an interesting and different life in many ways. I grew up in a fundamentalist religion that most people would consider to be a cult. Walking away from that religion meant walking away from an entire lifestyle and identity, as well as almost my entire social life. People that I knew as a child, people that were in my wedding, they will all pass me on the street without even acknowledging me now. I don’t regret the decision to leave the religion, not even a little bit. Still, the reality is that my entire life as I had known it was over. My husband and I tried to cling together, but it was like clinging to driftwood while floating in the open sea after the Titanic went down: Our relationship floated amongst the wreckage and eventually sunk beneath the surface. I was left with a single friend, a wonderful new friend and my immediate family. I’m grateful they’re in my life; it’s more than many people have. Still, I felt the pain of social isolation. There were no childhood friends, no friends from college to call. Besides my family, the one person who had been a constant in my life chose to walk away. I felt very alone.

This point was brought home to me very strongly again a few weeks ago. Part of the reason I’ve dated, why I’ve sought a relationship, is so that I can forge new alliances. Is that a bad reason? Maybe. Yet people seek out romantic connections for many reasons. I don’t feel the need for this person to be my entire world, but having someone to go out to dinner or a concert with would be very welcome. Plus, my confidence took a real beating during 2012. Reminding myself that I’m an attractive partner doesn’t sound too bad.

Therefore, I’ve rejoined the world of internet dating. While I’d love to just meet someone in the course of my day-to-day life, the probability of that is slim. I’m busy, I have a job where the “clients”  and my coworkers are off-limits and I have zero desire to hang out in clubs or bars. Some of my friends are convinced internet dating is like dumpster diving. Of course, they’ve not been in the dating world for over 20 years!

So, I dusted off my profile, put up a new picture and it was just like being back in the saddle. Just like that, I had a date…two dates…three dates. Yes, I’ve noticed that internet dating in this city is like swimming in a very tiny fishbowl. The same faces keep floating around and I’ve already “bumped” into several men I’ve already dated. That is simply one of the cons. Another unique feature to internet dating is that people feel much more free. One man with whom I exchanged several emails finally sent the dreaded: “So…can I ask you some naughty questions?” Uhm…no. Another man wanted to know if I liked porn and if we could discuss my sexual preferences. Upon asking if he would feel comfortable using that approach if he met me in a restaurant, he hedged with: “It would depend.”

I’m curious if it would “depend” on whether or not I was a call girl! I try to look at this aspect of internet dating as a pro: It’s a quick and easy way to weed people out. I also continually remind myself that the men on the internet dating sites are only a small representation of the men in this city. It’s easy to get tunnel vision.

Still, I’ve had one date with a very sweet and cute guy who brought me a rose on our first date. He called me within hours of the first date to ask me out again and has been attentive and interested since then. I have a couple of other people I may say “yes” to.

Putting on some cute clothes and going out to some trendy little hotspot, enjoying adult conversation and flirting…well, I just can’t see much of a downside to any of that. So, here’s to getting back on the horse…

Giddyup!

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Pulled Back From The Brink

Posted in Dating, friendship, Relationships with tags on January 11, 2013 by sexandthesinglesoccermom

So, I’m sure it will brighten your Friday to know I’m feeling much better this morning. Last night found me with my finger hovering over my ex-lover’s telephone number, sobbing hysterically, wanting support and a caring voice. It’s particularly ironic to me that he was my first choice, considering some of the issues when we were a couple and our brief stint attempting to be friends. I was in distress and I wanted reassurance, so I suppose it’s not that crazy. I did love him and I think there’s still a good chance that if I said: “I’m desperate and I need you to talk to me” that he’d respond. Fortunately, I sent an SOS to my dear friend and she responded immediately.

Thank you, dear friend, for being there for me last night. Thank you for helping to pull me back from the brink of making a bad decision. Thanks for offering unconditional support. I know I can always count on you to be firmly in MY court, which means a lot. I have some wonderful, loving people in my life who would listen and do their best to support me. They also sometimes feel the need to help me reach a place of enlightenment and understanding during the conversation, which is a wonderful thing at the right time. However, when seething or sobbing, it can sometimes just make me feel worse. So, thank you for listening and affirming, but trusting me enough as a human being to know that I would eventually be able to  “take the high road” without you prompting it. By the end of the conversation my humor was restored, my tears were dried and I was able to sleep.

Romance is wonderful, but true friendship can’t be replaced. Thank you for being my friend, for listening, for bringing me Starbucks unexpectedly just to brighten my day. You are valued and loved and my life would be much emptier without you!

 

friendship 2

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