Sex and the Single Soccer Mom

So, my last date licked me.

This sounds like the beginning to some sort of sexy, sex-filled story, but it’s anything but. After an evening of listening to him make it clear he thought he was a sexy beast, he leaned in as though he was going to kiss me and licked me. I jolted backwards in protest at having this tongue, that appeared to be acting independently of the rest of his mouth, touching my lips. He didn’t appreciate the gesture and he let me know that was how he kissed.

Well. I recognize that variety is the spice of life, but that is most definitely not how I choose to kiss, especially not as an introduction to someone’s mouth.

This led me to musing about some of the best (and worst) kisses that I’ve received.

The worst involved over-eager tongues, especially what I call the “substitute penis” tongue. Much like the licker mentioned above, these men seemed to think that thrusting their tongue into my mouth was the sexiest thing ever. Often, their tongue will begun to thrust out the moment they even see my mouth, which frankly, leaves me repulsed. Are they getting an involuntary tongue erection? This is the only thing that explains, to me at least, why a man would believe I desire his out-thrust tongue to approach my mouth. Don’t get me wrong, I like for tongues to be involved with kissing. What I don’t like is for it to be the main focal point of the kiss immediately. I don’t like it when I get tongue before I even get lips. Nor do I like it when I then feel like the man is trying to do battle with my tongue or lick my internal organs. I’ve even had men who request that I stick my tongue out of my mouth for a kiss. What? Am I at the doctor? Some finesse with the tongue is appreciated.

Also on the worst list would be kisses that are too hard and feel like they bruise my mouth. Alternately, I’ve been kissed by men who’s lips reminded me of soft, wriggling worms because the pressure of their lips was so damp and soft.

Of course, bad breath is a given no-no, certain to turn even a good kiss into a bad experience.

Best kiss? Placing one hand behind my head or on the side of my face and then leaning in slowly until our lips meet softly, then adjusting pressure to move the kiss from gentle to passionate. Using his tongue to delicately taste my lips and mouth at first, then perhaps a more thorough exploration as the kiss heats. Even using his hand to guide my head into the kiss is sexy to me (as long as I don’t feel like he’s trapping me there). Letting his hand wander down to my waist of the small of my back to pull me in closer while our mouths are fused together.

I’ve kissed plenty of men who get it right. When it’s extremely right it’s one of the sexist things ever and it’s all I can do to keep my wits about me and not rip off his clothes. When it’s wrong it makes the thought of doing anything else that involves touching feel very, very unappealing. I have definitely refused a future date based on a horrible first kiss.

What’s your kissing style? Have you ever continued to date someone long past when you should have dated them based on the kissing? Have you ever refused to date someone you otherwise thought was swell, because the kissing was so bad?