Sex and the Single Soccer Mom

After the heaviness of my last post, I thought I should follow up with something a little lighter. As I’ve re-entered the world of online dating, I’m reminded of all the reasons why this process sometimes seems ridiculous. The following are all things I’ve encountered on the various dating sites I’ve chosen to use. I’ll also list my theories as to why guys think these are okay.

Profiles

• Posting pictures where you are wearing sunglasses..especially in every picture. It screams “Shady” (no pun intended). Theory: It makes me seem cool and mysterious.
• Posting multiple pictures, that you’ve taken on your own, of your half-clad body. Guys, if you have rock-hard abs, I respect the work it took to get that way. If someone snaps a picture of you at the beach or pool, by all means, feel free to flaunt. Otherwise, don’t post pictures where you’re pulling up your shirt to show off your physique. You just look conceited and shallow. Theory: I’m hot, desirable and want you to know it (this one’s a no-brainer).
• Posting pictures with dead animals. I kid you not, I just saw a profile picture with a man, a dead deer and what looked like splatters of blood on the surrounding ground. Yuck. If you’re into hunting, that’s fine (although I’ll probably pass you by if it’s a regular hobby). It’s okay to just list it as one of your interests. We don’t need visual proof. Theory: I’m a manly, macho hunter/gatherer and it will make you want me.
• Posting pictures with other women. I just came across a profile of a guy kneeling in front of a well-endowed woman, tongue hanging out, pointing to her breasts. Milder versions of this abound. Unless you specifically clarify that this is your sister, daughter, friend…well…don’t we already kind of wonder what is going on with you being on a dating site? Theory: Women find me attractive. After all, aren’t they hanging all over me? Don’t you want some of this?
• Posting multiple scenery pictures, with no explanation of why you are posting them. One or two (at the most) pictures of cool places you’ve traveled to are fine IF you explain them (i.e., Beautiful rainforest in South America–Vacation, May 2011). If you aren’t in the picture and you don’t tell us why we’re looking at a snow covered field, we are simply confused. Theory: Oh no! I’ve only got one profile picture up! I’d better hurry up and post a picture of this lake!
• Posting weird angles. I’ve seen all sorts of weird angle profile pictures, but a really popular choice seems to be either the “look up my nose” angle or the “here is the side of my face” angle. Lying down and looking at the camera is another popular choice. Theory: I’m different from any other guy here. I’m not going to conform just to get a woman, because I’m cooler than that.
• Posting gangsta pics. Why would you post a picture where you’re making a thug face and doing weird hand gestures? It might even be more understandable if you were 19, but if you’re 35 and still wearing your baseball cap backwards and looking like you’re pulling a gangsta pose, it’s time to rethink things. Theory: I’m bad-ass and I don’t care what anyone thinks of me. Message me if you think you can handle it, bitches!
• Posting blurry pictures. I would never agree to a date with someone I didn’t think I could recognize in public based on their photo. It says you aren’t taking this seriously and just don’t care what sort of impression you make. Or you have something you’re trying to cover up. Neither of those are appealing. Theory: I just can’t be bothered.
• Photos that are obviously very air-brushed. I understand having professional photos taken and there is nothing wrong with it. Still, if you look completely flawless in your photos, then I certainly hope you look that way in person. Theory: The more beautiful I am, the more women will want me. I’ll lure them in with my winning personality once they meet me!
• Posting photos of your car, motorcycle or boat. This annoys me profoundly. I’m not interested in dating your car or motorcycle. I realize you may be over the moon about them. If so, then post a picture of you WITH your car. When I scroll through your photos and I see just a picture of your car, I immediately lose interest. The only thing I can think is that you are trying to show off your possessions, which is an immediate turn-off (to me at least). Theory: Look how successful I am!
• Posting photos of your pet. Really, do I need to expound? Theory: I haven’t a clue.

Here’s what I want to see when I look at photos:

• A good recent picture of your face, unobstructed by sunglasses.
• Pictures of you doing things you enjoy doing.

Yup, that’s about it. Before you post a picture on your dating profile, realize that image says something about you. I recently removed one of my pictures because it was the second pic of me with cleavage showing. Now, I’m not a prudish dresser AND I have cleavage, so I didn’t think much of it. However, after the 50th man messaged me with comments on my breasts, sex appeal, etc., I decided to remove one of them. Uh…the pictures that is. Not my breasts.

So…think before you post a pic!