Archive for single moms

Holding Out For My Fuck Yes

Posted in Dating, Relationships, single moms with tags , , , on September 22, 2014 by sexandthesinglesoccermom

I recently read an article that stripped away a lot of bullshit from my views of dating and relationships. Basically, all choices boil down to either a “fuck yes” or a “fuck no”. Whether it’s a casual sex relationship or a committed partner, do you feel that you can say an enthusiastic “fuck yes” to whatever decision you’re making? If not, then it should be a “fuck no”.

It’s so simple and so clear. It also means most of my relationships have been rationalized to death and should have been “fuck no’s” long before they ended.

For years I’ve struggled so much with being alone that I kept trying to talk myself into the relationship. I employed some of the following:

“No one’s perfect.”

“Life isn’t a fairytale.”

“I’m not looking for Prince Charming.”

“I’m not going to get everything I’m looking for.”

While all of those statements are true, they were also used to deal with the fact that there were serious things going on with the men I dated, deal breakers in our relationship that I was tolerating because I so desperately wanted to be loved and wanted. With several of the men I’ve been involved with, I could have said “Fuck yes” to them, warts and all, if only their behavior toward me had been different. Because it wasn’t, I should have said “Fuck no”.

I’ve most recently been dating someone I met at a Meet-up. Quiet, smart, funny, attractive: I ended up doing something I never do and asking him out after we met. He readily said yes and we went out several times. There were red flags for me: In his 40’s with no serious relationship under his belt and no kids, a very bachelor lifestyle, a possible relocation in his future and the hint of a possible addiction that heavily influences his life choices. Still…I liked him. A lot. Then further red flags developed: A jealousy issue which caused him to behave badly, some fatalistic apathy when confronted with my reaction, conflicting sentiments regarding what he actually wants from dating me and a strong confrontational/argumentative streak after a few drinks. Our last date left things verbally unresolved and with me driving away feeling conflicted. On the one hand, he’s smart and funny and cute and has the capability to be vulnerable with me about what he’s feeling. On the other…all the aforementioned red flags.

Then I read the article and I realized I was seriously over-complicating this. There’s nothing to meditate on and nothing┬áto work through. This relationship is a “fuck no” and I don’t need to waste any more time thinking about it. If I have to talk myself into it, it’s not right.

The more I think about it, my life is pretty good on my own. I’d really enjoy having someone I could enjoy a relationship with, but at this point, it’s going to have to be a “fuck yes” for me to be enthusiastic about it. I’m not shutting down and I’m still open to meeting someone, because I DON’T need perfection or Prince Charming. I’m just not willing to give up what I have for something that is less.

I’m going to keep holding out for my “Fuck yes”.

“Dating A Single Mother” (Shamelessly Stealing)

Posted in Dating, single moms with tags , on May 2, 2013 by sexandthesinglesoccermom

Today I read a great blog: Dating A Single Mother.

I’ve heard a lot of negatives about dating single mothers, even reading “amusing” quotes like: “Dating a single mom is like playing someone else’s saved game”. I know there are plenty of men who probably pass me by because I already have children. I’ve gotten questions like: “Do your kids have the same dad?” on the first date even, almost as though there’s an assumption that I was loose or negligent with my birth control. No…I married someone who I ultimately could not stay married to, for multiple reasons. I did not have this clarity when I chose to have children with him and fully believed we’d be together forever. This is not a failing on my part. My children are a beautiful gift from a relationship that was a huge part of my life for a long time. While I recognize that my children would be an extra responsibility in the relationship, they would also bring an extra element of reward. I have great kids and I’m a better person for having them. Plus, I truly believe I will make a better partner because of all the things being a parent has taught me.

So, I hope the author doesn’t mind me reposting her blog, but reading it brightened my day and I felt I had to pass it along to any other single moms out there who might need it.