Sex and the Single Soccer Mom

For today’s winner of the day personal ad:

“hey wats uph my name is daniel im 22 years old & looking for a real nice person to be wit for looooooooooong time i dont plays game so just plz dont spend my time wit ur game just plays wit some one als ,im like 5’9 weight 165 i got green eyes black sort hear cut ,i have nice car BMW 2004 real nice job i live life bay my self will ,i like to go to clubs partys and all tha kinda staff when i got free time ,i us to live wit my EX girlF bat we not liven together anymore cuz she move back to mexico thas sad bat i still got some fillins for here ,,will what als u wanna knw abaut me just cantact wit me i live u my number ***-***-**** think befor u call me or text me ok and i want ur pic to cuz who knw how u look like lol
fat girl plz dont bather me thanks
i add my pic pic of my car and my EX girlF pic to
my pic its first one and last one.”

He did, indeed, have pictures of his car and his very hot girlfriend posted on the ad, alongside his. A very, very odd way to try to meet new women…

I’ve come across this ad several times, on multiple dating sites. Read it carefully or you might miss what he’s REALLY looking for (sarcasm intended).

I’m not Brad Pitt, but you know what they say about men with big ears. And for my next joke…!

‘Describe yourself.’ Don’t know about you but this is like trying to sketch the Grand Canyon on a Post-It note with a 12-inch paint roller.

The Question. Why am I here? B/c I refuse to play the Dating Game, an unwritten code of rote dialogue and behavior which most people know and blindly obey. A manchild tells a woman exactly what she wants to hear and six months later she racks her brain wondering why he’s ‘changed’. I don’t want to sleep alone, but I will have my self-respect. And coffee. Can’t forget that.

By age 35, you can traverse the adult dating universe and stop at every planet along the way. You become so independent and self-aware it’s medically abnormal. You know what you can and can’t give, what you will and won’t put up with, and you know EXACTLY what you want, don’t want and everything else is bullsh- cough! I’ve had lots of time to think and wean myself off things that some people can’t take a pi$$ without. I don’t need three hours of coffee and smalltalk to figure out who I am or what I want. At this point the only things I can’t do to or for myself are kiss, cuddle and fu-cough! I’m happy to meet your needs – provided I meet mine, too. We’re ALL human.

On that note, I completely understand women’s feelings about sex. To delay something so pleasureable and easy to obtain makes perfect sense to me. And now for the second-biggest lie I’ve ever told in my life…

A fit or youthful single Mom or 40-50ish woman is sexier than ANY 20 y. o.. Period. I would elaborate here but a paragraph that long would crash the server.

I am a calm, focused person raised by strong, dynamic women in an ultra-authentic environment. Zero BS Past This Point. Nothing fake, nothing forced. No bragging, begging, manipulating,, small talk, chest-pounding, competing, drama or fighting. This bores and perplexes some people and downright irritates a few more. That’s Ok. They’ll live.

I’m a man, not a woman. I don’t act, talk, or think like a woman. If you want a man that does, go to a drag show.

I’m not bubbly, smooth, prim, proper, or polished. There are farm animals more domesticated than me. I go to parties to raid the kitchen. Wake me up when it’s over.

I’ve never talked much. Everything is what it is. Why discuss it? Besides, that’s your job. Bada bing.

Meet the quintessential health nut. Weights, running, vitamins, sea salt, moisturizers and LOTS of stretching; I don’t want to be crippled when I get older. But reach for my bourbon or chocolate and you’ll pull back a stump.

Life’s short, we all have agendas and only birds of a feather flock together. I’m not here for a pen pal, beauty queen, drinkin’ buddy, Sugar Momma, shrink, life coach, or Mary Kay rep. Me man, you woman, and we’re not in 6th grade anymore. I don’t care what’s in your IPOD. Last time I checked it’s about treatment… affection… chemistry… hormones… affection… love languages… hormones… affection… affection… I dunno.

I figure we’re all looking for the same things, just in a different order and proportion. I seek a woman for what only a woman can provide: chemistry, company, and affection. Wise, humble, good-humored and warm-blooded.

Here’s what’s in it for you: Honest and direct conversation; free yard work and home repair; sincere compliments; laughing; listening; teasing; hopping and skipping; hand-holding, hugging, kissing, massaging, petting and cuddling. If that turns you on, yippee skippy. If not… I can also make that popping sound with my mouth and thumb.

The first time that I came across this ad, it was toned down a bit and I answered it. What was I thinking? Perhaps here is a diamond in the rough. His pictures were cute and I was intrigued. At the very least I wanted to find out more of what he was looking for. Here are some excerpts from our email conversation:

“Might sound like TMI here but you will thank me later. In the last 16 years I’ve been with some great women from two days to two years and treated each one better than my Mother. Nevertheless, being on your own that long, your needs simplify so much, they don’t even require an actual date. Once you learn to enjoy the peace of your own company, no companion on Earth is worth any drama they bring into your life. On Fantasy Island, I’d have someone to crawl in bed with about 5 a.m. to scratch that morning itch and be done with it. Back on Earth, I would take this person to movies, introduce to friends and family, cuddle on the couch at night and so on.

Okay, we’ve established that he will only be doing something OTHER than scratching an itch because it is not socially acceptable on “earth” to do otherwise.

“I move fast. No man ever went to a date to talk and shake hands goodnight. If that is your agenda, no problem at all. We’ll part now on good terms. You sound wonderful but I’m a heterosexual, hot-blooded man, you’re an attractive woman, and I’ve had a zillion conversations in my life. You do the math. 🙂 No expectations or pressure. I would still enjoy your company. But we all have priorities.”

In other words, put out on the first date or I’m not really interested.

“There’s nothing that you want that I or any other person doesn’t also want. We’re not that different. Granted, there are some drama-free people in the world. Otherwise, every relationship  eventually yields some dynamic of hostilty, negativity, or general unpleasantness that tests your desire or will to stay in it. Whereas some people will tolerate that for the sake of staying together or avoiding a breakup, I won’t. I would rather be alone. I’m used to it and I’ve realized some legitimate peace and happiness with this lifestyle. You still have lonely moments I’m a happy person even being alone so if being with you isn’t better than that, I have no incentive to be…As long as things between us are happy and healthy, there is little I won’t do to serve and please you. But the minute it gets nasty, I’d just soon hit the road.”

It’s nice that he volunteered the belief that every relationship will have negativity (which is true) and that he’s not willing to tolerate it.  As well as the up-front knowledge that he will hit the road if there are problems. Before the first date is ALWAYS the time to get that certainty of abandonment issue cleared up.

After expressing to this man with the capacity for brutal honesty that I didn’t feel I could put out on the first date AND guarantee that there would never a be a problem, so I was passing on going out with him, his only response was: “Ta-ta”.

I can’t help but wonder how many women answer his ads, or even more, how many women actually go out with him once they do. There is a curious part of me that wants to do out with him, just to see if he has redeeming qualities. Still, I’ll never give in to that urge. I’ve been on enough bad dates by now to know that when there are this many ridiculous crimson (because red seems too tame) flags waving during email conversations, it is often better to run as far as possible.

Considering I have seen this ad posted and reposted, I think Mr. Blunt may have a hard time finding a woman who meets his criteria…

Rather than choose only one personals ad, I have found several. For your reading pleasure…

“I just happened to be walking my dog in the Hurstbourne Lane area when I looked up at an apartment building and you were standing at your window topless, perfect as a figure cut out of a painting, your breasts so firm and yet plump in a way that suggested you would yield to the right touch. I went home and listened to classical music for an hour, trying desperately to recreate that feeling I had when I saw your breasts in the window, that transcendent serenity one feels only in the presence of art. When the music didn’t work, I baked a cobbler – apple, my grandmother’s most prized recipe – and sat on the floor of my living room, eating it with my hands, savoring not only the taste, but the warmth of the filling, and the just-right flakiness of the outside. I could’ve been in the remotest land on Earth, untouched by civilization – my perception felt that pure. All afternoon I’ve been floating inside; those breasts were a minor miracle in the midst of this gray, cold week. Thank you.”

Wow! That must have been some pair of breasts! Have you ever seen the movie “Sideways”? Well, I have a feeling he could have been the lead role…

“ME: A guy coming home to find you asleep in my bed.

YOU: Stunningly attractive blonde slightly undressed.

ME: Strangely bemused, but too tired and distracted by other women in my head to care.

YOU: Gone this morning when I woke up.

ME: Trying to determine from roommates who you were, but they have no clue (they really aren’t too conscious right now and think I am lying).

If you attended what must have been a great party last night (I can tell from the mess) and slept in some guys bed then please poke me back, I have some things here that might be yours. Also, let me know if you will be back tonight and I will change the sheets.

Finally, thank you for not taking my side of the bed, THAT would have been awkward”

Why does it not surprise me that this man is completely open to having a nameless stranger, that he’s not even really spoken with, reappear in his bed? At least he’s willing to change the sheets…

“Hey,
I’m looking for a special kind of lady for a long lasting friendship and relationship.
I’ll warn you now this isn’t for everyone so if your offended by sex please don’t read any further. I am looking for a fellow deviant a perverted soulmate.
I am a 30 somthing male looking for a woman with like taste kinks and fetishes. I love sex and I need someone with a voracious appetite as well as to total lack of inhibitions.
My tastes are different I love a woman who dresses up who plays the role of hooker or slut to the tee be open to anything any place and anyone cause I’m a voyeur and I love a show off.
Nothing is taboo to me other then pain. If you have ever wanted to have someone who wouldn’t judge you for having sex with strangers or didn’t look down on your desire to be a sex slave or if you have interest in beastiality bondage leather latex or total submission then message me it only bite when we meet lol. I’m a raging perv but I have a sence of humor about it.”

Dude! If you’re actually going to advertise for a woman that is into bestiality, at least learn how to spell it! Being a raging perv will only get you so far in life. Spelling, however, will get you everywhere…:-)
 

So, L is now deleted from all my social media accounts. I drove by his house and placed the movie he’d loaned me, sealed in a ziploc bag (to protect it from moisture) in his mailbox. I have not phoned, emailed or texted him. I was told by a friend that I was being “incredibly reasonable” and that he “got off light”, because I haven’t made a scene. To which I could easily reply: “What’s the point? Will it make him be a grown-up? Will he suddenly know that he wants to profess his love for me if I yell at him? Even if he did, would it suddenly make us compatible?” It is pointless…

Still, there is a big part of me right now that just wants to be the psycho. I want to scream and yell and cry and hit. I want to destroy his personal property. I want to tell him that he was an asshole and that he will, someday, regret casually throwing away someone who bent over backwards to love him. It doesn’t come along every day, afterall.

Then I’m reminded of a forbidden movie that I watched when I was younger. My parents had rented “Fatal Attraction”, a very R rated film that was off limits for me. Of course, when they left for work, I immediately flew to the VCR to find out what was so bad that I wasn’t supposed to watch it.  The sex scenes were, to my 15 year old virgin eyes, shocking and fascinating. However, what was also fascinating to me was the interplay between the male and female character. Married man, out to have some no-strings-attached fun, hooks up with someone who isn’t ready to go away quietly. Glenn Close was phenomenal in the role of the unbalanced woman who won’t take “Sorry, but it really didn’t mean anything” lightly. I can remember thinking that the man got a lot of what he deserved and maybe not quite as much as he should have. In the end, of course, it was the jilted, wronged, psycho bitch who gets drowned in the bathtub. It was a profound lesson (for at least a few years) for married men all over the country. It was also a profound lesson for a 15 year old girl in the double standards that exist between the sexes.

Another favorite film, Vanilla Sky, also has a line that I love. The character played by Cameron Diaz in the film, after being blown off after a night of “friends with benefits” sex, says, “When you sleep with someone, your body makes a promise, whether you do or not!”  Scientifically, it can be proven that hormones are released in the body during sex that cause attachment to form. Do we really need to wonder why we often feel confused after one night stands, trying to do the ridiculous friends with benefits role, or trying to be fuck buddies? Women are wired differently for sex. Yes, times have changed and women are trying to be as nonchalant and casual about sex as men. I’ve dipped my toe in that pool too. A few years of “sexual liberation” can’t erase centuries of programming and bio-chemical wiring.

So, do I really want to go psycho and pour out my rage and grief and boil his bunny (or dog, in this case)? Absolutely. Except for the dog boiling part; I was rather partial to that dog. The wounded part of me that feels angry and hurt absolutely wants to make him feel…something! I want him to not be so casual that he can make “Best of luck to you too” his last words to me. Most of me, though, just wishes it hadn’t come to this. Most of me wishes that we could hold each other and part as friends. A lot of me misses him and would love to erase the negativity. I just don’t know how. I am hurt and angry. He seems indifferent and doesn’t get it. We were never only friends.

What I truly wish is that I had stuck to my decision the end of last May. We had a good ending that neither of us stuck to. Now there is hurt and anger and bitterness, on my side at least. I have no idea, truly, what he is feeling. I can make guesses, based on history. Will they be right? Who knows? I simply know that I have so many good memories, that are now colored by the ugly way we parted. Yet if I erase the last 7 months, I would be erasing so much I learned about myself and so many beautiful moments. Sitting on patios in the summer, drinking and talking…getting ice cream and watching the sun set over the river…sitting in the jacuzzi tub at a B&B talking and holding each other…listening to him breathe at night while he slept with his arms around me. I suppose that I’ll have to, like every other relationship in my past, try to integrate the beautiful and the painful until it makes sense. I would love to have not lost the bond, which we had despite his protests. Yet a bond only works if both people want it.

So, in the end, I will be calm and not cause a scene. I will do nothing except quietly try to make better choices for myself. I will work on letting L go and try to do it with grace and love. I will work harder on wishing him happiness and to find some sense of direction and peace.

Tomorrow night I have reserved for me. I have been out until bedtime every single night since I ended things. I’ve not had time to process. Tomorrow night I am allowing myself the night to wallow. I will grieve and cry if I need to. I will play sad music and curl up on the couch and think of the times we spent together and what I will miss. I will drink wine, probably too much, and possibly write bad poetry. Tomorrow night is the night for grieving.

Then I am done. I’m sure I will still have grief and sadness. However, I refuse to allow myself to waste more time over this. I’ve spent months not really caring if I met someone else, because I was in love with L. Yet I have so much love to give, I’m really good at loving people and I have a hell of a package to offer the right man. I’ve accepted a second date with a sexy, quirky artist. I have dates with wonderful and connected friends to look forward to, friends who understand me and can value the friendship. I have a family that is incredible and two little girls who look to me to be their anchor and safety. Life is good, even with the pain that comes along with living life and taking risks.

Today’s ad winner makes me question if this is actually a sincere posting. Is someone amusing themselves to see who would answer this ad? If not, I feel truly frightened…

“Wad uph girl are u looking for some one to be wit for long time & have thos speshel times wit tha real person , im like 5’9 weght 165, i got brown eyes short black hear i dres nice & i have nice black BMW M3 livin bay my self and looking for same one who cen live to me and work wit me im a track driver so im not bean home alot so thats what kinda person im if u interesting just give me a call ( five zero two) for n9n for -two tree for 8th
interesting only GIRLS AND FEMAILS nO GAME i dont have time for tha !!!!!”

I’m sincerely hoping this is someone looking for a good laugh…

Today’s online dating ad Winner of the Day:

“What up my name is jerry i am looking some to talk with and git to i like moves and going out have good time and stay home work a lot want some more in my life so if like git no me and i am real man ok thank you.”

It’s up to each reader to decide for themselves what this actually means…

I met L in very early spring of last year. I was browsing the personals, primarily for amusement. He had an ad posted for someone to keep him from being bored at work. It was the first time I had ever answered, yet his post seemed fairly non-threatening. We began to exchange clever, witty emails back and forth the entire day. By that evening, he sent me a picture. I was unprepared to have him be cute! The next day the emails continued, except he chose to up the ante by inviting me to have a drink. I readily accepted. I hadn’t been this excited to meet someone in quite awhile.

We met at a local restaurant. I thought he was quietly attractive and maybe just a tad bit socially awkward. He later professed that he thought I was “beautiful”. We had great conversation that was incredibly flirty. At the end of the date, he walked me to my car. Once there, he put his fingers on his lips to silence me, then proceeded to tell me that this was the best first date he’d ever been on.He kissed me on the cheek;  I left, smiling and incredibly interested.

The next date was fantastic as well. A lame movie, great conversation and a goodnight kiss at the end of it. By the third date, he told me that he didn’t intend to see anyone else. And I…still healing, still somewhat hurting from my last relationship, felt over the moon. I immediately canceled my online dating subscription and canceled future dates that I had planned.

The first two months were incredible. They were fun and romantic and flirty and sexual. There were things that surfaced that, frankly, concerned me. Still, everyone has flaws, right? An issue with an ex-lover that he was still hanging out with, some obvious differences in values, some intimacy issue. Overall, everything was very good. Then we hit the third month. Suddenly, the romantic and sweet man that I had believed myself to be dating seemed to be changing. Often withdrawn and non-communicative, then suddenly argumentative and aggressive, I never knew which man I would be spending the evening with. Would it be the man who brought me tulips on our fourth date and cooked me spaghetti? The man who put his arm across me protectively when he had to hit is brakes in the car? The man who touched me so tenderly and held me all night long afterwards? Or would it be the man who seemed to get angry over the smallest things, refused to communicate without anger and seemed to be able to shut me out so easily? Would it be the man who could come off as elitist about the strangest things and talked down to me like I was a child? I began to feel like I was dating Jekyl and Hyde, never knowing who would show up. I felt like I was walking on clouds the first two months, because I was convinced that he was “the one”. The final month, I felt like I was walking on eggshells because I never knew what I would say or do that would bring out the withdrawn, surly, uncommunicative man that I was seeing emerge more and more.

I started to dread our last few dates. So I did what I felt I had to do: I ended the relationship. He asked if we could still be friends and I expressed doubts, but said that I would see. We ended things on a Friday, then decided to go out as “friends” the following Wednesday. It went so well that he left my house Thursday morning. Clearly, the relationship wasn’t done.

Since then, we’ve been through several stages of friends, lovers and a combination of the two. It ended in tears and fury a couple of times. A period of three weeks went by when I vowed that I was done with him forever. Then he messaged me, I messaged him…suddenly things were on again.

However, L had decided that his true path for this stage in his life was to be single (although, of course, single certainly didn’t mean celibate!). So he let me know, whenever we started to get too “intimate”, that he was not available for a committed relationship. It’s just not what he wanted. I grew more confused as time went on. I knew that I had fallen in love with him, yet also knew that we really weren’t suited. Yet the thought of giving up the relationship was too much. So I tried to fit my needs around his needs. I tried to be open. Several times when he thought I was being too clingy, he would say that perhaps we shoudn’t see each other anymore, because he didn’t think I could handle it. Well…I’ll show him, I would think. Of course I can handle it. You don’t want to be committed to me? Fine…I’m not looking to get married. You want to see other women? No problem. I can handle lack of monogamy as long as you show me you care about me.

Of course, he would ignore texts and emails from me if he was either seeking out other women or with other women. He would make small comments here and there that cut through me like a knife, that were almost nonchalantly cruel. I sometimes almost felt like he was trying to send me a subtle message that I wasn’t important to him at all. Just as my hurt grew and I would begin to be ready to completely walk away, he would do an about face. Suddenly he would be insightful and romantic and caring. He would spend the night and hold me until morning. The emotional reinforcement would be just enough to make me determined to make it work. Somehow.

Then, suddenly and without warning, he decides he doesn’t want to be intimate anymore. No explanation other than “it’s just what I need right now.” That lasts for a few weeks. He finally tells me that he had been seeing someone who demanded that he be sexually monogamous, so he didn’t feel it was “fair” to me or to her for him to be sleeping with both of us. In my love blindness, I even manage to tell myself that he is trying to be considerate to me, never considering that he threw me over for some random chick he was dating and didn’t even necessarily plan to stay with.

Somehow we get past it. I go to his annual Christmas party and meet his friends; he is tender and protective of me and I spend the night. Intimacy is re-established. Christmas comes and we have a wonderful night together. He buys me an incredibly thoughtful and touching gift and spends the night again. Then the cycle starts over. I text him for a movie, he’s busy. I ask if he wants to go out later in the week and I get no response. I ask him later if he was on a date. I’m told he is pleading the fifth. So I simply say that even if he is on a date, it would be nice if he would respond briefly so that I don’t feel he is completely ignoring me. His reply: Perhaps the date didn’t end until morning. At this point I quietly make the decision to myself that I am done sleeping with him. I will no longer be physically or emotionally compromised. Still, he had been my friend and my lover for nine months. I’m still naively thinking we can salvage some friendship out of this.

Then he has a significant personal event in his life. I send him texts and call him, to offer support. He mentions that he would like to get a drink later in the week. I tell him my week is full, but that I would like that. When I have an evening unexpectedly free, I text him to see if he is busy. “I could maybe do dinner.” I respond to let him know if he is too busy that it can wait. Zero response…

I realize that something has to change. I have allowed myself to become the toy on the shelf, that L takes down at his whim. I am the supportive and caring lover who is there inbetween the dating and the fuck buddies. Despite his assertions of caring for me (as well as the actions that sometimes lead me to believe he does), he has stopped consistently treating me with courtesy and respect. I feel sick to my stomach with not knowing what to do. I can’t possibly continue, yet I don’t want to burn the bridge. I keep waiting for him to give me a sign that he is not someone that I need to remove from my life in order to be healthy.

Today, after some words exchanged after days of not hearing from him, he lets me know that he is seeing someone. She is “jealous” of me and doesn’t believe that we could truly just be going out as friends. I ask if they are exclusive (a status he claims to be avoiding) and he says he doesn’t really know. On top of all the angst that has filled me about L for months now, several things occur to me very vividly. 1.) The woman he is seeing absolutely has every reason to be jealous, because L and I are not, nor have ever been, simply friends. He is more than likely saying what needs to be said in order to appease her, even if it is not quite the truth. In fact, it sounds vaguely familiar; I recall having similiar fears about an ex-lover that he was “just friends” with early on. 2.) There is no possible way that L can be completely honest with me or any of the other women he’s involved with. He doesn’t have a clue what the hell he wants or is doing in life. Life is one big frat party, with plenty of beer and plenty of women who will say “yes”. Why worry about consequences to people emotionally? Afterall…he isn’t promising forever! Of course, I feel 100% certain he isn’t disclosing that on the first date. 3.) This latest disclosure left me with zero trust in him. It had been building for months, but this was the final straw. I felt lied to about what he wanted and what he was willing to give. I had no illusions that this woman would be “the one” for him and he would stay with her. I simply knew that he was willing to tell me he needed “space”, so that he could continue to see/sleep with her for as long as he desired. I also knew that once it ended with her, he’d be more than happy to hang out with/sleep with me again…until the next woman came along.

I realized that I was done. Done being the person who did most of the communicating and the person making most of the effort. I was done being treated like a valued friend and lover one night, then an inconvenient toy that he ignored so that it didn’t threaten his “game” the next. I was done with the knot in my stomach from never knowing what he wanted me to be from one moment to another, the constant back and forth, wishy-washy games. So I ended things and told him not to email me. This time, there will be no going back.

Once, it became somewhat of a joke between us about a male friend of mine, who upon my describing the situation that I had with L, let me know that he would be open to the same deal. I said, “Yeah, he let me know that he wanted the deal that you have”. He replied with a laugh, “Did you tell him it’s called The “L” Deal for a reason?”

Of course, I realized that it truly was the “L” Deal for a reason. I was allowing my wants and needs to be compromised and mainly unmet, to hold onto a man that I had fallen in love with. I offered myself heart, mind and body and was met with someone who could barely be bothered to treat me with consistent courtesy and caring. I allowed a man who is stumbling along blindly through life, trampling on other people’s feelings, to trample all over mine just so I wouldn’t have to say goodbye. There won’t be any more “L’ Deals. I deserve better and I will wait for better.

I say “I allowed” because I hold myself accountable. I’m angry with him and I’m so deeply hurt, but I am a grown woman and I stayed, when I should have bowed out long ago. He’s not a bad man, simply thoughtless and selfish right now. Maybe one day he’ll grow out of it and maybe he won’t. It’s not my problem anymore. In a few days…weeks…months, this knot in my stomach and pain in my heart will fade completely. Perhaps then it will simply be bittersweet and I can remember the good times, of which there were many.

I despise burning bridges…but I don’t know any other way; I need to heal. I will miss my lover. I will miss my friend. Yet I’ve learned in all of this that I have to love myself at least as much as I love other people. I can never allow myself to settle for the “L” Deal again. Thus, a 10 month, fiery and tempestuous relationship comes to a close.

I think I’ll close with some song lyrics that I found today, by a pop artist that I am fairly unfamiliar with. Still, something clicked inside me today when I heard the song.

“Hot and Cold” ~ Katy Perry

You change your mind/like a girl changes clothes

Yeah, you PMS/Like a bitch, I would know

And you overthink/Always speak, cryptically

I should know/that you’re no good for me

Cause you’re hot then you’re cold

 You’re yes then you’re no

You’re in and you’re out

You’re up and you’re down

You’re wrong when it’s right

 It’s black and it’s white

 We fight, we break up

 We kiss, we make up

 You! You don’t really want to stay, no

You! But you don’t really want to go-oh

You’re hot then you’re cold

You’re yes then you’re no

You’re in and you’re out

 You’re up and you’re down

 We used to be/ Just like twins, So in sync

 The same energy/ Now’s a dead battery

 Used to laugh/ Bout nothing

 Now your plain /Boring

 I should know/you’re not gonna change 

 Cause you’re hot then you’re cold

 You’re yes then you’re no

 You’re in and you’re out

You’re up and you’re down

You’re wrong when it’s right

 It’s black and it’s white

We fight, we break up

We kiss, we make up

You! You don’t really want to stay, no

You! But you don’t really want to go

I find myself in a muddle. Trying to figure out what I want and what other people want, trying to ensure that I am honest and trying to figure out if they are being honest…to say it has me a bit down is an understatement.

I’m trying to wade through the nuances of platonic and romantic. They seem to be many, varied and completely subjective. The variance factor increases depending on whether you are talking to men or women. Of course, neither sex seems to know what the hell it means, or even what they mean, when trying to explain friends vs. lovers, platonic vs. romantic, or any combination of the two.

The dinner companion who insisted he only wanted conversation a couple of weeks ago, continues to text me endlessly. I knew at the end of the evening that he was either insincere in what he wanted, or he changed his mind. Not only because of the excessive compliments and soul-wrenching confessions of loneliness, but also because he told me he loved me somewhat frantically. What I failed to mention in my last blog was that he also asked me what my idea of “second base” was, and then pleaded with me to let him climb in my car and kiss my breasts. I let him know that night, as well as several times since, I am not interested in pursuing a sexual encounter/romance. However, the texts and attempts to initiate some sort of relationship continue. Strike number one for a platonic relationship!

Like an idiot, apparently I didn’t get enough torture. I answer another ad for someone saying that they don’t want a sexual relationship AT ALL; they simply want someone to cuddle up to and be close to sometimes. As I have a high need for human touch as well, I could certainly comprehend this desire. We exchange several emails and talk on the phone. When I describe myself so that he can recognize me for an upcoming face-to-face, he says, “Redheads are hot!” In consternation, I ask, “So does this person that you want to be close with have to be hot?” He responds: “Of course not. This is completely non-sexual for me. I chose the wrong word.” When I was describing the meeting to someone that I met later that night, his response was, “You know you can’t cuddle with someone when the first thing that comes to mind is ‘Oh, hell no!’” I can’t say that the fact that I couldn’t figure out how his facial features had been attached (some of them seemed to be “off”) didn’t play a small part in my determination that he was not the person I wanted to cuddle with. The fact that he was obnoxious, overbearing and clearly looking for more than a platonic partner also played a significant role. Strike number two for a platonic relationship!

Enter a guy that I dated briefly, twice. I didn’t feel much chemistry and things never really took off for us, be he still emailed me occasionally to talk about music and kids. He has asked me to hang out, as “friends” numerous times since I said I didn’t think we should date anymore. I have declined over and over, because I knew I wasn’t interested in him romantically. Then I thought, “Why not? We get along and have stuff to talk about. Maybe we can be friends!” We get together and the evening is fun and relaxing. Until he decides to start trailing his hand across my back caressingly every time he got up from his chair. As we start talking about relationships, I begin to confide about a situation that has brought me some pain lately. When we end the evening, he kisses me (not platonic!) goodbye. He later emails me that there are some things I talked about that he wants to discuss further, but felt too self-conscious to do so in public. Based on my “sharing”, I have a feeling I know what he wants to discuss. It definitely isn’t how to make our relationship more platonic. Is this a “three strikes and you’re out” for platonic male/female relationships?

Over and over I read ads for men looking for a “friend”. They proceed to discuss how the woman should look and all the things they will do for her…sexually! I also see people looking for a “FWB” all the time. Talk about code for “I really want sex, but don’t want you to expect anything”. Often, what is being offered isn’t really even friendship, which implies emotional intimacy and deep caring (at least in my mind). What is really being offered is an NSA (No Strings Attached) sex partner.

These are all relatively casual, so despite feeling weary and bit stupidly naïve over the realization that I believed their offer of platonic “friendship”, it isn’t at all emotionally damaging.

Of course, sometimes the circumstances are murkier and the risk of emotional damage higher.

In the end, I prefer honesty in everything. If someone says “friend”, but really means “lover”, they should just say they want sex from the beginning. Trying to figure out what is really going on, amidst nuances and shades of meaning and someone else’s lack of clarity, is crazy-making. Say what you mean, mean what you say. It’s a simple rule of thumb that is apparently very hard to live by. Even in my frustration, I realize that I have no room to cast stones. I, too, have found it difficult to sometimes process the complexities when trying to be friends with the opposite sex.

I’m reminded of one of my favorite scenes from one of my favorite movies: “When Harry Met Sally”.

Sally: We are just going to be friends, OK?
Harry: Great, friends. It’s the best thing…You realize, of course, that we can never be friends.
Sally: Why not?
Harry: What I’m saying is – and this is not a come-on in any way, shape, or form – is that men and women can’t be friends, because the sex part always gets in the way.
Sally: That’s not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no sex involved.
Harry: No, you don’t.
Sally: Yes, I do.
Harry: No, you don’t.
Sally: Yes, I do.
Harry: You only think you do.
Sally: You’re saying I’m having sex with these men without my knowledge?
Harry: No, what I’m saying is they all want to have sex with you.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: They do not.
Harry: Do too.
Sally: How do you know?
Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.
Sally: So you’re saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive.
Harry: No, you pretty much want to nail them, too.
Sally: What if they don’t want to have sex with you?
Harry: Doesn’t matter, because the sex thing is already out there, so the friendship is ultimately doomed, and that is the end of the story.
Sally: Well, I guess we’re not gonna be friends, then.
Harry: Guess not.
Sally: That’s too bad. You were the only person that I knew in New York.

In the end, of course, Harry and Sally wind up as lovers. I can’t help but voice Sally’s lament of “That’s too bad” about the loss of the idea of friendship. Yet knowing what everybody wants AND being honest about it from the beginning, could certainly cut down on a lot of confusion and wasted time. Can men and women be friends? I think it’s very difficult and I sincerely wish that were not true. In today’s world of superficiality and fear of commitment or expectations, “friend” seems to have become an innocuous label applied to many things that aren’t really friendships. “Friends” don’t sleep together; adding the word “benefits” doesn’t negate the fact that you’re more than friends. Nor does it make it more honest to use FWB when people aren’t looking for a committed relationship. The truth is that you are looking for a sex partner or to be lovers with someone who will have very limited expecations of you; the level of intimacy for these relationships appears to be optional. Lovers can be friends too; friends can be platonic. Still,  “Friends” have emotional commitments to each other and people shouldn’t use the word when they don’t intend to be a friend. Lover doesn’t always mean committed and sometimes doesn’t even involve love, or for that matter, friendship.  There are “strings” involved in nearly every relationship we choose to have with another human being. I suppose it is up to each individual person to decide how emotionally disconnected or connected they want to be. However, if we MUST label something, make sure that we’re honest with the label that we’re applying. Even if it doesn’t sound as pretty or make us feel quite as shiny about ourselves.

The turkey and stuffing has been consumed, the new babies and pregnant bellies of family members admired and prayers of gratitude offered up for family and friends. As we’ve all drifted back to our separate homes to resume our day-to-day lives, I’ve been giving a lot of thought to my own life and what I’m grateful for. A recent “non-dating” experience has brought home to me how much I have in my life.

 I love to browse the personal ads. They mostly make me laugh, they sometimes make me think and they often give me writing material. So one day I was browsing the “platonic” ads and came across a man asking for a dinner companion for the evening. He was traveling for business and wanted conversation for the evening and someone to share a gourmet meal with. He insisted that it was strictly non-sexual; he was simply tired of dining alone.

I was feeling up for an adventure. The thought of adult conversation at a four star restaurant sounded pretty appealing too. So I responded to his ad with, “Found a dinner companion yet?”

He responded fairly quickly and we ended up making arrangements to meet at a local restaurant that is renowned for its quality and atmosphere. It was a public setting, so I felt fairly comfortable. I had no idea what he looked like; I truly didn’t care. I was going for the conversation and the experience, not to find a romantic partner.

 When I arrived at the restaurant, I located my companion at the bar. He rose to greet me and we were quickly seated. While not repugnant, he was not physically attractive. As we read the menu together and ordered drinks and appetizers, we exchanged stories about our lives and discovered what we had in common, as well as what we did not. He was awkward, clearly a man that had been driven to pursue education and a career, rather than develop his social skills. As he dominated the conversation, I felt comfortable simply listening and being a companion. I had no agenda here, other than to enjoy the dinner and company.

We talked and enjoyed dinner and wine. Yet as the evening progressed, it started to appear that he found me attractive and interesting. Not a bad thing at all in a dinner companion, yet I started to feel slightly discomfited by his expressions of surprise and pleasure at “taking a chance and having it pay off so well”. He began to express his admiration more explicitly, calling me a “beautiful, young woman” and expressing delight that “having put myself out there, brought you to me”. When the check came, he insisted on paying and pulled out cash (with a money clip around it) to pay for our four star meal. He said, “I easily pay $200 to go to a concert for the evening. This is less expensive and far more worthwhile.”

He suggested we walk to a local pub and get a drink after dinner. I agreed, somewhat hesitantly. I felt that I had been completely honest and represented myself with integrity, yet I had the growing suspicion that my dinner companion might be considering trying to move his “ad” from platonic to romantic.

At the pub, we ordered wine. He drank his and ordered another glass. I sipped mine and ended up never even finishing it. He began to confide in me that while he had achieved every goal that he ever set for himself in education or with his career, he felt a sense of emptiness. He said that he often thought about going off the road and trying to settle down with someone, yet the money was so good that he was always reluctant to give it up.  He began to comment on my warm and nurturing personality and how much he would like to have that in his life; he mentioned that he often felt afraid that his career would be the only thing he was ever successful in. As he grew more intense and soulful, I was torn between empathy and the desire to give him the connection with another human being he so obviously craved…and the instinct to run as quickly as I could. I hadn’t signed up for this, at least not on purpose. Yet my heartstrings were definitely feeling the pull of this man who seemed so lost when it came to emotion and people in his life, while so successful in all things monetary.

I finally let him know that I needed to leave for the evening. He insisted on paying again, making reference to the amount of money that he made (a theme that had been repeated numerous times throughout the evening) and how “cheap” it was compared to my company.

He walked me to my car and what I had suspected for the latter part of the evening came to fruition. He leaned in and kissed me goodnight. I allowed him to kiss me and even kissed him back. I wanted to leave him with the positive feeling that he had shared a human connection and that it was positive; Naïve of me, looking back on it. He began to try to turn the kiss into something more than I desired and I began to pull back. He continued to embrace me and began to murmur things to me, with a hint of desperation in them. “I love kissing you”; “I’ve never felt this way before”; and he finally culminated with a frantic, “I love you.” He sounded near tears.

At which point I pulled back completely and disentangled myself from his arms. He composed himself quickly and I thanked him for the evening. After a moment, he responded in the same fashion and we parted ways.

Driving home I was a little sick at heart. I had responded to the ad that he had posted and felt that I had not done anything wrong, yet I absolutely believed that somehow it had gone terribly wrong. L suggests that I’m naïve; I can’t disagree. Yet there is a deep part of me that feels that so many people are craving a deeper connection, yet can’t find their way to realizing what it is that motivates them. Fear of commitment, expectation and all the responsibility that comes with a relationship leaves people distant. They desperately want and need to connect, so they have random encounters that they try to convince themselves are not meaningless, while reassuring themselves that it had no meaning. All of us want to be touched, understood…connected. I’m not sure if this man misrepresented himself on purpose in his ad, hoping that it would turn into a romantic encounter, or if he misled himself into believing that his search for a platonic dinner companion was sincere. I do know that at the end of the evening I had glimpsed into a soul that realized it had placed importance on the wrong things, yet didn’t know how to extract itself from the success. He was a lonely man, seeking solace in the company of someone who would listen, nurture and care.

He has continued to text me since that night. Every time I reply with my brief, friendly answers, I feel as though I am rejecting him. Yet that is the burden of human beings; we get to decide who we want to experience connection with.

So this Thanksgiving, I am thankful for having placed my focus somewhere other than education, career and material success. Not that those things aren’t rewarding or important; they are. Still, at the end of the day, it is my family and my friends that I look for to support me.

I am thankful for my family, who has supported me even when the “me” that they thought existed morphed into a temporary stranger. As I’ve grown and evolved, they have supported me through the changes and never stopped loving me, despite their worry or concern. They have accepted me and embraced me, unrelentingly.

 I’m thankful for my beautiful daughters. As I watch them grow and discover who they are, I am filled with such gratitude that I get to be a part of their journey. That I get to hold them when they cry, feel their little arms around me in love, listen to their gentle breathing while they sleep and watch their wonder at life…it is a gift. I am also thankful for my children’s father, with whom I have finally made my peace. Despite our history and differences, as well as the pain that sometimes accompanies our relationship, I am thankful that I get to share the journey of our children’s lives together.

I am thankful for the friendships that I have that are so deep I feel as though they are an integral part of my soul. They make me laugh; they listen and sometimes hold me while I cry; they help me to stay strong and steady when life tries to knock me down. I am filled with love for lovers who have held me through the night and shared a part of themselves with me that is intimate and private. I am grateful for the messy complication of love and friendship and family and life that ultimately fills the empty place so much better than money or career.

On this Thanksgiving weekend, I extend the wish that all the people in my life feel the same sense of joy and wonder and gratitude that I do at this very moment. Relationships, people, are messy and complex. Yet in the end, they are the only thing of any real value in our lives. Thank you to those whom I love!

I’ve been looking for a relationship for what feels like my entire life. I have, to a large extent, defined myself by my relationships with men. When I was growing up, the only acceptable outcome to anyone who wanted to be involved with someone romantically, was to get married. Therefore, my goal from the time I was around fifteen years old was to find a suitable mate. Afterall, a single woman living on her own might get into trouble: Fornication or pregnancy or actually thinking that she was the equal of a man. Blasphemy!

Enter my ex-husband. We had some things in common and he seemed like he would be a good mate. I’m not sure that I ever stopped to ask myself if we ever truly clicked. I just knew that I liked him a lot, we kept spending time together and we knew that we wanted to sleep together. Two virgins with a sex drive and a whole lot of like going on. As well as the expectation that we were adhering to the expected outcome. The way that we were raised, that was a perfect reason to get married.

Of course, we were very young and very inexperienced. For the most part, I count our marriage as a success. We had a deep friendship and loved each other. We produced two incredibly beautiful and amazing children as well. However, after finally growing up, we realized we didn’t make good life partners. After meandering through the missteps and anguish that it took to come to that realization, we have finally found our way back from a place of bitterness and are becoming tentative friends. I actually am starting to feel good about our relationship again for the first time in four years; both as parents and as fellow human beings journeying through life.

I’ve had a couple of relationships since my divorce. One that lasted for nearly two years and one that lasted, at least on an exclusive level, for a few months. For the last three months I have been dating and hoping to meet “the one”. I have gone on date after date, hoping that maybe this one would be the right person…

For what?

The longer I date, the more I begin to question what it is I am truly looking for. Am I using romance as a way to avoid facing myself? Is it time to take a break and simply explore what it feels like to not be half of a couple? I mean, there have been periods of time when I haven’t been with anyone exclusively, yet during that entire time I’ve simply been passing the time until I find the next “one”. Yet even my fantasies of finding “the one” start to break down when I try to plan the practical. For instance, where would we live? I don’t want to move or give up my house, yet know it isn’t really big enough for another person comfortably. Would I have to watch the television shows he wants to watch? Would I have to account for my time to this other person? Would it be unacceptable if I wanted to put on my big fuzzy socks and read vampire books while eating cheese and crackers for dinner? Would it be awkward if I just didn’t feel like sex, but really wanted to use my vibrator?

I’m not sure I believe in serial monogamy anymore.

That is a bold statement from a sheltered girl who had an 11:00 curfew until her wedding night, when she embraced her husband as a virgin. I’m not entirely sure if what I feel is fear of commitment because I’ve been hurt, or an actual reflection of my own values. Or perhaps it is simply the recognition that I’ve never truly been without a “mate” or in the middle of a search for one. I do know that hopping from committed relationship to relationship is not working out so well.

I think it is time that I give myself the chance to find out who I am, without a partner. That isn’t to say that I don’t want love and connection in my life, or even physical closeness with someone. I simply think that I need to take a step back from the hardcore search for romance. What does this mean? I’m not sure…and that’s okay. Maybe part of my journey is the admission that I no longer have a fucking clue exactly what I want from someone. That it is okay to take a couple of baby steps along the way and try to figure it out, without having a master plan. That perhaps “fun” is just as important, if not more so, than finding a partner and that it isn’t nearly as serious as I have been making it.

I don’t have the answers and I’m not going to pretend that I do. I am simply trying to live this journey and love and be loved along the way. I know that sitting here in my fuzzy pink socks and fuzzy purple robe, knowing that I am going to bed and don’t have to answer to anyone all weekend when I wake up in the morning, feels pretty terrific. Will it feel terrific in a month? I don’t know. I’ll figure it out in a month.

Much like Scarlett O’Hara in “Gone With The Wind”, I can only say with great feeling, “Afterall, tomorrow is another day.” I think that for today, I will simply enjoy the fuzzy socks, the warm bed and all the love that I already have in my life, in one form or another!