Sex and the Single Soccer Mom

The last couple of months have been busy! I’ve ended a relationship, traveled to a foreign country and finally managed to get clarity on the ending of my marriage (which was over four years ago). All of this inbetween working a full time job, raising two children, taking care of a home and yard and all the other things that go along with living an adult life.

I’ve gone out with a very nice man several times. I like him, but am certainly not ready to rush into anything (including the bedroom). The only action I’ve gotten in the last couple of months that involved another human being was when I was chosen for random searching TWICE during my travels. It left a lot to be desired.

I’ve exchanged several emails with a man who lists his age as 103, refuses to tell me how old he is and insists on dialogue that proclaims him royalty. He set forth challenges of wit, intelligence and creativity (which I passed) and said the final challenge (and the first reward) would be a date with him. While amusing and interesting, I fear showing up for a date and finding a 23 year old with delusions of grandeur (the only hint of his age I have is that he’s in law school and looks young).

During my travels I was contacted via dating app by two different men in the country I visited (I declined, due to time constraints). In each of the airports of my connecting flights, I was also contacted by men who wanted to meet me. Hmmm…how much do you think I could accomplish romantically between connections?

What do you get when your ex-husband makes over $100,000 more than you a year (that figure already includes the child support he pays); drives an expense-free, company-purchased sports car with free gas, free insurance, and free car maintenance; perks that include free cell phone and free internet;  can give himself raises and bonuses; has unlimited sick/vacation days and gets paid no matter if or when he shows up? You get a cliche that borders on the absurd, especially if you throw in a live-in hipster, minor-celebrity girlfriend who increases his all-important status exponentially, self-absorption, self-professed manipulation tactics, greed, an inability to see the big picture, excessive stubbornness, controlling behavior and a hefty dose of “in order to screw you and make my point, I’m totally willing to screw myself” attitude…well, the last few weeks have been interesting. That’s not to say lacking in stress. Yet, the silver lining is that for the first time since my divorce, I’m no longer second-guessing or mourning. I won’t hash out the patterns of behavior that left me feeling inferior and flawed, as well as crazy. Yet the latest behavior/responses from my ex-spouse have finally brought me clarity. Now, it’s about looking out for my family’s interests and remembering to laugh. Sometimes, things are so extreme and absurd you simply have to laugh long and hard, then do your best to take care of business.

I have some interesting things coming up in the future; I’m sure I’ll write about them soon. Until then, I will continue to appreciate the absurdities in life, along with all its many joys.

“There is so much hurt in this game of searching for a mate, of testing, trying. And you realize suddenly that you forgot it was a game, and turn away in tears.”   ~ Sylvia Plath

Is it morbid to open with a quote by Syliva Plath, on this gray and rainy day?

Yesterday morning, I lay and watched my lover sleeping. I held him, breathed in his scent and tried to imprint the sensation of his skin against mine upon my memory. We luxuriated in waking and loving, knowing it was the last time. When he rose from my bed and dressed, leaving me with kisses and a silence that carried all the words it was pointless to say, I didn’t cry. I haven’t wept since.

Today, I feel those tears pressing at the back of my eyes and rising up into my throat to choke me. I’ve made the right decision, the only decision that makes any sort of sense for my future. I don’t have regret at attempting the relationship again, nor do I regret the decision to have one final evening together before we took our separate paths. However, the incomprehensible waste of potential fills me with grief and a sense of frustration and impotence. It’s hard to find someone who matchs you in so many ways, much less someone who makes you think and feel and that you also want to see naked every day. To walk away from something some people never even find, well, my mind and my heart are having a hard time understanding. I know why I’m walking away; what I can’t understand is why he’s fine with watching me do it.

I can’t save this relationship alone, so I’m choosing to save myself.

I’m not broken enough to follow along on the path of darkness Plath ultimately did, but I can certainly read her poetry and musings and feel a kinship; which is part of the reason I’m walking away now. My soul hovers too closely to shadow to openly invite it into my life. I’m not a pessimist, but my emotions are intense.  Loving and staying with a man who can’t decide if he loves me enough to stay is inviting emotional disaster. The pride I have is that leaving is a mark of my own personal growth and increase in strength. I’m not willing to self-destruct for love anymore. There’s a verse from a song that resonates with me: “Love doesn’t hurt, so I know/I’m not falling in love/I’m just falling to pieces.” I’ve fallen to pieces and had to carefully glue myself back together; I have zero desire to ever be broken again. I’m not broken, just bruised enough that I want to lie curled around the ache for a few days (weeks?) and let myself heal.

This is the end of a love I’ll treasure for the rest of my life, despite the ache. Even if one day we should wind up back in each other’s lives, this relationship as it existed is over. A brand-new one would have to be created. I can’t begin to know if the possibility exists. Yet I know the door is now open for new possibilities, new loves…

I’m going to take a bit of time to catch my breath and let the bruises heal, then I’m going to embrace possibility.

So…for the past two weeks, I’ve been struggling. Don’t get me wrong: I look fine on the outside. If anything, I’ve been putting MORE effort into looking pulled together and cheerful. I smile and laugh and make plans. I go home and spend meaningful time with my lovely children and accomplish necessary tasks. I’m exercising and taking care of myself. On the outside, I look normal.

On the inside, frequently throughout the day, I look like this:

“The Scream” ~ Edvard Munch

Of course, this is an improvement from last November, when my lover ended our relationship with no warning. I felt such overwhelming and unrelenting grief for weeks. Breathing, living, being forced to exist in such pain was agony. I was more like this, every single moment of the day…for weeks and weeks:

“Ophelia” ~ John Everett Millais

My lover blames his inability to be in a healthy relationship with me on two things:

1. My life isn’t what I want it to be, therefore I need to focus on feeling better about my life and my successes, rather than focusing attention on a relationship. I don’t know how long this process will take, but I am incapable of truly giving to someone.
2. My feelings for you have a strange duality. When I am with you, I can’t get enough of you; the conversation is fantastic and I always feel like I get wonderful insights from talking to you; I think you are an amazing woman; our sexual relationship is fantastic and I love you. When I’m not with you, I don’t find myself moved to contact you, I don’t daydream about you or what our life could be together and I feel like I should feel/do all of those things
3. Conclusion: Something must be missing from our relationship…or maybe it’s where I’m at in my life…no, I think maybe something is missing…or maybe not and it’s just me…then again, I’ve felt that before when I was younger and I think it’s possible I’ll feel it again…but maybe not…I’m such a fucking, confused mess (Uhm…I might be paraphrasing that last line according to my own interpretation.)

I’ve been so confused and hurt and angry over this situation, that I took 15 minutes to meditate quietly before he came over last Wednesday. What is it I want? What can I live with? How do I want to write this ending? I tried to focus on what I’m GOOD at–love, intuition, empathy–rather than what I was angry about. When he arrived I hugged him and got him a glass of wine. He was tense, I was heartsick and nervous. Eventually, though, we managed to find our way and truly talk about things. By the end, I was reminded of the reasons I came to love him.

I told him I couldn’t be in a romantic relationship with him anymore, because none of my needs were being met. He offered the above reasons why…to which I am able to offer nothing. I love him and I acknowledge that love will die with nothing to nourish it. A few years ago I would have clung and continued to try to make the relationship what I wanted, despite everything. Now, there’s a part of me that echoes my brother’s sentiments on the subject: “He doesn’t deserve you.”

We are going to have one last night together. A “no holds barred” sort of night, because afterall, the pressure is off, right? Hopefully he can BE with me, be the man I love and have seen so little of since we reconnected. The man I love has been hiding under this self-centered and apathetic shell. Afterall, it’s one night. It’s easier to be your best self for one night, rather than have to continue to rise to that ideal day after day. We both walk away from the relationship with one last, fabulous memory.

Still, I am dealing with sporadic moments of intense sadness. Perhaps it’s unfair (he says it is, of course), but I can’t help but feel like he is looking for a fairy-tale. Grown-up love doesn’t feel like high-school, college-age infatuation; when you find someone who makes you 90% happy at the end of every day and that you have an incredible relationship with, you don’t throw that away because you don’t daydream about them. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe he’ll meet a woman he gets all fluttery about, daydreams about, wants to be with every moment and who will wind up as an incredible partner for the rest of his life. Yet my gut instinct is telling me this is still much more about him rather than “us”, not wanting to limit his options, being afraid to commit and feeling like he’s not succeeding at life. It all boils down to the same thing. We’re not right for each other.

Now if only I could convince my heart of the wisdom behind my choice. If only that churning sadness would go away based on the realization he has done nothing to deserve being with me. Why can’t my emotions catch up to my logic?

I think this is what my lover (ex-lover?) is looking for..

“Not Like The Movies” ~ Katy Perry

“Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option” – Mark Twain

So, after almost two months of being on an emotional rollercoaster, I think it’s time I stepped off. After our tumultuous meetings and discussions in March, I was prepared to walk away from the man I loved based on his clearly stated “inability” to be in a relationship. Resigned, after spending the night together for what I believed to be the last time, I said: “Having you not be a part of my life will leave an empty place.” He replied: “Do I have to not be a part of your life?” We agreed to “date”, with sexual monogamy being the only commitment for now. I knew he would need a lot of space and I would need to be patient; I also knew I couldn’t count on what the outcome of his soul-searching might be. He knew I was still in love with him and wanted a full relationship.

The two questions I posed to him in order to proceed: “Do you love me?” and “Do you see a future with me?” He answered yes to both questions.

Since then I’ve heard (multiple times) about how he’s not good for me right now (but he loves me), he’s not capable of truly being with me and meeting my needs (although love is definitely something he needs and wants in his life), he’s unsure if I’m the “one” for him or surely he’d feel like making more of an effort? (after talking about “true love” he experienced 20 years ago).

Or in other words, he has given himself an excuse to behave badly (I’m no good for you) so if he hurts me, he can say: “You can’t say I didn’t warn you.” He’s given himself an excuse to not put any effort in this relationship (while being willing to accept all the love I want to give him) by saying: “Maybe if YOU were the right person, then I would be more likely to make more of an effort.” Because if the RIGHT person came along, if this were TRUE love, then wouldn’t that person tranform him and make being in a relationship effortless?

Yet he doesn’t want to completely lose me, so he offers just enough with one hand to keep me around (I love you in every sense of the word, I can’t keep myself away from you physically or emotionally, etc.), while making sure the other hand is warning me away.

I can handle giving him space. I can deal with being patient. I absolutely cannot and will not deal with him being wishy-washy about whether I’m the “right” person for him (despite his love for me). I won’t tolerate not having ANY of my needs met and having someone justify not even making an effort. I won’t accept somebody being an asshole and making excuses for it by saying “I’m just in a selfish time right now.” These things are crippling emotionally; by staying I am only enabling the apathetic, bad behavior. Even finding a time to have “the talk” with my lover has been difficult, because he has so many other, more pressing engagements. I can’t help but wonder if he lied to me when he said he wasn’t dating anyone else. How else do you explain three nights when he simply cannot reschedule so that we can talk? Especially after him choosing to not contact me for a week.

Tonight, he’s managed to squeeze in a couple of hours before his evening plans. This is the ONLY time he can possibly make time to see me. I’m trying to realize this is about him and not me, but it still hurts to be treated like I’m the bottom of the barrel priority. Tonight I will tell him it is over.

I’ve thought about whether or not I regret reconnecting with him for these last couple of months. The answer is no. After he ended things with me last November, I was so crushed. The only thing that kept going through my mind was that I had missed out on this great guy. I pined for the possibility of this really great relationship, with this really great man. Now…well, the relationship is ending again, yet this time I am the one walking away. My lover has questioned whether I am the “right” person for him because of his apathetic behavior. Despite saying he loves me, can see spending his life with me, always enjoys our time together, respects me, values my opinion, feels comforted and loved when with me and always has great, passionate sex. I call bullshit on this. However, I can say that I no longer feel I’m with the “right” guy based on his apathy, lack of respect for me and my time, lack of courtesy, insensitivity and unwillingness to be there for someone he claims to love. I’m getting a break-up Do-Over. The end result is the same, but the process has been so very different.

I’m walking away before I despise him. This is, actually, the most loving response I can think of at the moment. Which doesn’t mean my heart isn’t breaking. It is. Still, I think the healing time will be faster and I’ve figured out a lot this second time around with him. So…here’s to do-overs, even if they still, ultimately, suck.

What does it mean when your current “relationship” drives you to seek out Eastern religions? Wait, don’t answer that…

One of the basic tenants of Buddhism is non-attachment, something I’ve struggled with in the past when studying the Buddha’s teachings. I attach deeply, so this was mystifying to me. How can you practice Buddhism, love someone and be in a committed relationship with them?

As I’ve read, I’ve come to understand this path is more about the expectation you place upon the relationship. Am I using it to fill a void within myself? Do I expect it to make me happy? Am I relying on the other person’s love and presence in my life to make me complete?

Of course, the complete path of non-attachment would be to accept my relationship with my lover in the present moment and have zero expectations for the future. If he were to call me up tomorrow and say, “I don’t feel we can be together”, I would be accepting, wish him happiness and not be crushed by the loss of the relationship. That sounds like a great place to work toward!

So I decided to review where I was at on the non-attachment path of zen:

• Do I feel like I “need” this person/relationship to make me happy? (Yes. Part of me is absolutely convinced if my lover and I end things I’ll never find another decent man and will end up dying alone, my lifeless and lonely body not found for days by my family) 
• Am I living in the present moment? (Sure…as long as anticipating, analyzing and planning for the future present moment, pretty much all the moments between the current present moment, counts!)
• Am I placing expectations on him? (If he doesn’t return my text, phone call, initiate contact… you might as well book me a stay in a cozy padded cell until he does.)
• Would I be crushed and curl into the fetal position and weep for days if it suddenly ended ended again? (Hide the wine and old Sarah McLachlan Cd’s!)

Obviously, I have a long way to go toward enlightenment.

I think in theory, practicing non-attachment with my relationships is a wonderful plan. I DO need to work on being happy with myself and my life, without a partner. I absolutely need to stop worrying about the future and placing expectations on a specific outcome and simply enjoy the moment. I very much want to know I’ll be okay no matter what happens.

In reality, it’s going to be a struggle.

Adding to my confusion is that tiny voice that whispers “All this Buddhist non-attachment discussion might simply be a way of rationalizing staying in a relationship you’re not totally okay with.” Afterall, despite my love for my lover, I do have concerns about how this will all turn out. I’m not 100% happy with how he’s choosing to proceed in the relationship or the attention he’s giving to me. What is the balance between loving someone and having no expectations of them and ensuring your own needs get met?

Of course, all of this deep analysis of non-attachment is probably the antithesis of the path to zen.

Sigh.

Time to go meditate.

Themes keep repeating in my life. Loss, abandonment and impermanence; what is it in these things I am supposed to learn? Nestled between skepticism and belief, I am torn between thinking there must be some higher truth in the experiences and alternately despairing that there is no purpose. Perhaps these things are like a random emotional bag check in the airport of life.

I’m now struggling to decide if I am up to the challenge of being, once again, in an uncommitted relationship with a man I love. Of course, this one would have one important distinction:  Neither of us would be sleeping with anyone else. That might be the crucial difference between success and failure. In all truth, peel away the layers of false security we try to wrap our relationships in and none of us have more than the present moment. As my psyche has struggled with this notion of impermanence, this is the essential truth I keep coming back to. There is not a single “commitment” that protects us from impermanence: Not marriage, children or promises of devotion. The only thing we have in our relationships is the present moment. We can believe in and trust our partner to try to make it work as long as is possible, but in the end we have no absolute assurance.

A few years ago my entire identity, my sacrosanct life I’d carefully constructed to be insulated from impermanence, was ripped to shreds. I should know; without realizing the full implications, I carefully took the scissors and made a small cut in the fabric of my existence. Just to make it fit a little better, because frankly, it was chafing and rubbing me raw. Funny how a deliberate cut tears so much further than you want it to and with so much more ease…

Now I sit here this evening after days of agonizing soul-searching that has run the emotional gamut from elation to fury to grieving acceptance and now…back to possibility. Yet only if I am willing to embrace impermanence. The man I love is also struggling with this concept. He wants me in his life, yet feels he should be able to offer me the complete package if he’s going to offer anything at all. He knows he can’t right now, so he’s torn between forcing me away (again) and trying to live with what he views as a less than noble act: Offering me a conditional part of himself. The condition being he can’t offer me permanence until he feels more grounded and healthy about his place in this world.

Is permanence simply an illusion to wrap ourselves in to keep the fear at bay?

Part of my heart says it is nonsense to lose someone I love, whom I’ve already had to lose once before, simply because it might not last forever. The other part of me is terrified. I’m terrified of losing him again. I’m terrified of the whispers of well-meaning people who will tell me this is “bullshit” and insinuate he’s getting what every man wants for free. I’ve heard it all before.

I wish someone could give me the right answer, but I know even as I type the words what a childish longing that is. There is no “right” answer and there’s no one but me to provide whatever decision I make.

Do I open myself up to a risk, with full knowledge? Or do I continue to hide behind the notion of permanence with someone, someday? Loving someone with no promises between us feels a bit like walking a high wire with no safety net. Yet the real question is, was the safety net ever there, in any of my relationships, to begin with?

My dating life right now is frantically paced; This is not a good thing. It seems I have a date nearly every single night I am not with my children. As an introvert who needs her solitude, I’m starting to feel like a cordless phone left off the charger too long. I’ve been back on the market for approximately 7 weeks and I’ve lost count of how many men I’ve been out with.

Quantity, however, is not to be confused with quality. It never fails to amaze me how carefully I try to screen profiles/emails/texts/phone calls before agreeing to a date, only to wind up with some of the people I’ve been out with. I’ve been on many single dates, with no desire for a second. One man made it to three dates before letting all his neurosis out to play. By the time he left my home he was close to a full-blown panic attack and had made an ass of himself all evening. Interestingly enough, he called me up a few days later to let me know he didn’t think we were well-suited; I wholeheartedly agreed. I had a second date with a smart, funny, sexy guy the other night. He told me stories of his ex-wives (two) and ex-girlfriends (many). The stories were hilarious…in the sort of way you want your reality television to be. Someone could stumble into drama not of their own making once, maybe twice. To have this much drama in apparently ALL of your relationships indicates the problem might not always be with the ex-partners. When he started making jokes about all the “fat” women on the dating sites who contact him, I realized he might not be the man for me afterall. I mean, people should really wait until you know them better before showing their Shallow Hal side!

There’s the successful software guy from Indy who is funny and smart and sexy. Of course, he lives two hours away. Arranging a second date has been a scheduling nightmare. There have been several guys that I would probably say “yes” to if they asked me out again, but I wasn’t so overwhelmed by the first date that I’d be disappointed if they didn’t. I have a date tonight. I have a date tomorrow night. If I so choose, I could have a date for every forseeable free evening. This is not an accomplishment on my part;  The restaurants, bars, coffee shops, names, professions, ages, interests and past histories of all these collective men start to blur together in my mind until I just want to go to sleep.

As if the barrage of apathetic dating experiences were not enough, I’ve been dreaming with increasing frequency of the man who broke my heart in November. A couple of nights ago, the dream was so incredibly vivid that I woke up emotionally unsettled and feeling a compulsion to contact him. Knowing (KNOWING!!!) that it was probably a mistake, I sent him a breezy, casual email. He responded quickly and it wasn’t casual. Instead, it is a statement on a life-changing decision he made just last week (weird, psychic connection manifesting in my dreams?) and how profoundly it is affecting his life. He tells me he had vowed to himself to never contact me again because he figured I had put him behind me and was trying to move on. Then he tells me he’s had a gift for me on his dining room table since December (he broke up with me in November). A few more emails and suddenly we’re making arrangements to get a drink.

This man broke my heart just a few months ago.  I’m not sure he’s the right man for me, but I miss him and still love him. If he really is just wanting to give me the gift and see me for this one night, will that be cutting my wound open all over again, before it’s even built up a good layer of scar tissue? If he still has feelings for me, is he really what I want? What outcome is it I’m wanting?

I want to be the sort of person that doesn’t have layer upon layer of emotional protection built up, to where I can’t be vulnerable and take risks. I want to allow myself to feel. Still, I can’t help but wonder what the line is between being open and emotional cutting.

Tonight I’ll go on my date. I’ll put on my cute clothes and do the same thing tomorrow night. But the doorway from the past has been opened again. Until one of us shuts it, I rather wonder if there is any point…

I recently had someone tell me my city is one of  the top ten worst cities in the Unites States to attempt to date in. I believe it. However, I also think the dating culture we have right now makes trying to date ANYWHERE difficult. Particularly for women who are looking for a relationship.

Once upon a time, there were clearly defined “rules” for dating. Many of those rules have become outdated and no longer apply. Evolutionary psychology and simple biology when it comes to sex is pretty straightforward: Men and women have very different goals in the mating dance. Most men, biologically, are set up to “service the herd” and can do so with a much lower level of attachment; Most women want to nest and build a family. In the past, it was a clearly accepted “norm” of courtship for the woman to withhold sex until she felt confident the man was going to make a commitment to her and the nest.

*Note: There are some that may find the theories I am getting ready to offer objectionable. I feel I may have already crossed that threshold with my blog title. 🙂

Today’s culture has left women with very little leverage and a lot of confusion in the dating game. We have jobs and are expected to support and provide for ourselves and NOT be looking for someone to take care of us. We’re sexually liberated and don’t need society’s permission to sleep with whom we choose. In the words of Beyonce: “I buy my own diamonds and I buy my own rings/Only ring your cell-why when I’m feelin’ lonely/When it’s all over please get up and leave.”

We are EXPECTED, if we’re to appear successful, to have careers and establish them before we settle down and have a family. Be independent. Be successful. You don’t need a man to take care of you!

In many ways, I feel we’re being asked to behave more like men when it comes to relationships and sexuality…enjoy the game and go with the flow. No-Strings-Attached and Friends-With-Benefits relationships abound, to the point where men often act like something is wrong with you if you expect anything else. The sexual revolution and Women’s Liberation have made it “okay” (sort of) to have sex like a man: No committment unless we want it and multiple sexual partners. Is this enhancing the dating culture?

I heard a comedien say recently, “The power of the pussy is declining.”

While this may be a crude expression, I can’t help but think there is some truth to it. I’ve figured out in today’s dating culture “holding out” really doesn’t have the same effect. Even good guys expect you to put out fairly quickly. If you aren’t willing to do so, the assumption is that you have sexual issues, are frigid, or have too much baggage. Men also know they can go and find someone who WILL sleep with them fairly easily. Where is the incentive to continue in a fledgling relationship with a woman who won’t have sex with them? Especially when holding out is now in the minority, rather than the majority? Let’s face it: Men are not as likely to seek a commitment as a woman, especially if their needs are primarily being met without it. They simply don’t feel the same urge to settle down, have a family and nest that women do. What stops people from always thinking, when it comes to relationships, the grass might always be greener?

This also leads to the question of should sex be viewed as currency, in the mating ritual? The vagina used to be a much-sought-after commodity; only men willing to pay the “price” (monogamy and a relationship) got the use of one on a regular basis. If you go with a market analysis approach, I’m not sure the supply and demand is really set up to benefit women in the dating realm today. Many vaginas seem to be available, at a much lower cost. Many are even available for free! 

If the power of the pussy is diminished and my sexual “exchange rate” for commitment is at an all-time low, what does this mean? Should sex be collateral for a relationship? Will that even work today? In an ideal world, I’d like to believe sex isn’t about manipulation or games or “holding out”. Yet if biology dictates, to a large extent, how we behave with the opposite sex, are we women just kidding ourselves to think we can have sex like a man, yet find a relationship that we crave as women?  If I hold my own standards about sex (still figuring out what those are!) and it turns out I want commitment before sleeping with someone, am I limiting my dating pool significantly? Is this like being vegan amongst carnivores?

Personally, I’ve observed that today, even “good” guys expect you to sleep with them relatively quickly. If you aren’t willing to sleep with someone after you’ve dated for a bit, then it must be because you have sexual hang-ups. The numerous men online looking for FWB and NSA “relationships” and FINDING THEM has led some men to believe women are completely fine with casual sex. Let me let you in on a big secret: MOST women are NOT interested in sleeping with you just for recreation. Do we like sex? Yes! Do we think it is a fun activity that can be recreational? Sure. The general rule of thumb is that most women are hoping the sex turns into something more. There are exceptions to the rule and women have begun to think more like men when it comes to sex, but a few decades of sexual revolution isn’t going to erase centuries of biological programming. Sorry, guys. We want sex to turn into relationship…then love…then hopefully something long-term. Most of us are hoping if we agree to a NSA or FWB relationship that you’ll change your mind. It would take a different sort of revolution to change the dating culture and frankly, I don’t see it coming anytime soon. Divorce rates are high, extramarital affairs are higher and more people are remaining single than ever before. What has happened to committment?

Let me leave you with an example of what some men seem to think would be appealing to women: I gave into the impulse to answer a dating email from a service I unsubscribed to years ago. Still, I got the email and the guy was cute and sounded interesting. When asked what he wanted, he informed me he wanted a FWB relationship, but was quick to assure me he’d want it for longer than one night (Well, hell yeah, dummy. It takes longer than one night to even become FRIENDS). Then he told me his perfect, sexy scenario for a first meeting would be for me to leave my front door open and be waiting for him naked in the bed. He’d come in and we’d have sex without speaking a word. He wasn’t joking and he did seem to think this was an acceptable first-meeting scenario. I’d hesitate to say the majority of men have convinced themselves this is what women want. But…what if I’d said yes? Wouldn’t he be more likely to try it with someone else? What if she said yes? Then he went and told his friend, who thought, “Why not?” You see how the cycle of behavior and acceptence could be perpetuated.

As women, have we screwed ourselves by being willing to screw the men we’re dating?

Xanax

 The lesson I’ve learned this morning: One Xanax is not quite enough to quell an anxiety attack. However, two Xanax turn me into a zombie. It’s a hard call to make; Do I go to work with a full-blown anxiety attack? Or do I go to work heavily medicated? Fortunately, the anxiety attacks are reducing, so perhaps it will be a non-issue. For now, I’m simply hoping my coworkers don’t noticed my extremely dilated pupils and my tendency to wander into doorframes while attempting to walk.

Closure

 After much deliberation, I decided to write my ex-lover a “closure” email and send him the content of my last blog. As it wasn’t a vindictive or bitter blog, I simply wanted him to acknowledge to himself the deep impact his behavior had on my life. I told him the email was for MY closure and he only needed to read it and ackowledge my words and feelings to HIMSELF. I wished him well and success in finding what he wanted for his life. Two days later I get a very long text in the middle of my work day, letting me know he received the email and is pondering it. He extols the many wonderful qualities he knows I possess and writes my email confirms it all for him, as well as respecting my courage in sending it. He feels I deserved a response, yet needs time to find the words and how to phrase them. He states he will think of me, as he has often in the past two weeks, and respond to me soon.

The text sent me to the bathroom in a torrent of tears. I splashed cold water on my face repeatedly, to try to appear less obvious. Then I mourned the end of the relationship all over again, because CLEARLY, he is an ethical and deeply thinking human being. As I am sinking into the mire of depression all over again at losing such a wonderful human being, another thought occurs to me…

He just managed to unclose my closure! Does he not understand the meaning of the word “closure”? It means something is CLOSED. My closure was to empower me and let go. How dare he take away my closure by stating he is going to respond? Now I’m refreshing my email every 10 minutes and cursing myself for a fool. I even have the random “What if he realizes he made a terrible mistake while he’s pondering my words?” I felt sadness, yet a great deal of empowerment and relief at sending my carefully worded closure email. With his response, I am now back to feeling anxious and unsettled, on top of the grief. Thus the Xanax zombification while at work…

Ridiculous Musings

I occasionally (okay, often!) get these ridiculously idealistic ideas. You know….”Wouldn’t it be lovely if I could make my own rules about how I feel about this situation?” It has led me to open relationships (which was really a rationalization to not lose someone who didn’t want commitment), inviting my ex-husband to my families holiday gatherings (I totally went home in a funk and psychoanalyzing every detail of what went wrong in our marriage), entering into a long-distance relationship (Horrible, horrible way of clinging to a man who put his career before his “love” for me), and agreeing to meet with my ex-husband’s current girlfriend for a drink so we can get to know each other (Come on! I don’t want to get to know her! I want her to grow warts. I want her to develop scurvy. I DO NOT want to be her new friend!).

My latest ridiculously, idealistic musing is this: Wouldn’t it be lovely if I were to call up my ex-lover and ask if we could have one last evening together? Something beautiful to celebrate our time together? Something to leave us both with a more lovely memory than him walking in my door and breaking my heart and me sitting there weeping? We could go somewhere fantastic for dinner (we both love great food), go back to my place for some wine and snuggling, then finish the evening with incredible love-making and holding each other until morning? At which point we would kiss goodbye and that would be the finality of our relationship. It sounds beautiful and lovely and EXACTLY the sort of memory I’d want to have of a relationship that meant so much… My finger was on the phone, ready to dial his number (which I still haven’t deleted) and propose this beautiful and wonderful idea.

Then it occurred to me: Oh wait…This is a testament to your unreasonable, idealistic form of rationalization when you want something. This man just broke your heart with no warning, after you believed everything was great. You actually thought there was a good chance you’d be planning a wedding next year! How are you going to spend an entire evening with him,  make love with him, sleep in his arms all night, yet not want to slit your wrists the next day? (Meant more symbolically than literally: I am not suicidal). It might make it a more beautiful memory for HIM, but I would still know the truth, wouldn’t I? I’d still know that for whatever reason, at the end of the evening he was leaving me. Grief and longing can make for some powerful rationalizations of behavior.

So, I gave up my ridiculous musings about “one last night”. I’m trying my damndest to stop refreshing my email every few minutes to see if he’s replied to my closure email (You don’t reply to closure emails, dammit!). I’ll know next time I have a serious anxiety attack to keep the Xanax usage to one tablet, along with a calming herbal tea.

Perhaps, in the midst of this grief, I am at the very least learning to be truthful with myself.

“There are very few human beings who receive the truth, complete and staggering, by instant illumination. Most of them acquire it fragment by fragment, on a small scale, by successive developments, cellularly, like a laborious mosaic.” ~ Anais Nin