Sex and the Single Soccer Mom

So…last night I made a total ass of myself with my lover. It was due in large part to a massive dose of pre-menstrual hormones that have been coursing through my body for a week and a half now (yes, I’m late). A tiny bit of it was because I was feeling needy and insecure. Some of it was just sheer ego bruising. Still, this morning I woke up feeling particularly foolish.

You see, somewhere in the back of my mind, I’ve always sort of assumed that if you offer a man sex, he WILL say “yes”. I mean…they’re men. They want sex all the time. Right? So last night I went about the business of trying to seduce my lover. However, after some quiet chuckles and teasing, he turned me down flat, for the first time ever.

My first reaction was being pissed off. How dare he turn me down??? He’s a man! I just offered him sex. Doesn’t he have some sort of innate biological imperative to accept? In a huff, I expressed my temper and left his house, furious. Within all of two minutes, the fury turned to humiliation and hurt. He’s a man and I just offered him sex and he turned me down. Does he no longer want me? Am I not exciting? Oh God, this probably means things are over again. I’m such an idiot. How could I be so stupid? I drive home crying, torn between anger and hurt feelings. I text him to let him know I am hurt and humiliated and confused.

To which he replies succinctly: Why????

As I began to formulate my answer, I suddenly realized this was about me, not him, and I felt like an idiot. Several things became clear within just a couple of minutes:

A.)   My hormones were heightening all emotions and making me completely over-react. Initial instinct had been to spend the evening at home in a hot bath; perhaps I should have stuck with that plan!

B.)    I had been feeling insecure about our tentative new (yet old) relationship all day and wanting reassurance. Yet how do you ask for reassurance from someone who has admitted they don’t know if they can be in a full-fledged relationship?

C.)    I didn’t really want sex at all; I wanted to be touched, petted, loved on and comforted. Since I felt insecure about being honest and asking for my needs to be met, I used a trick women have been using for centuries: I tried to trade sex for love.  Of course, my lover had no clue what my needs were, since I wasn’t actually expressing them.

I called him to offer an explanation and apology. There have been so many times I wasn’t in the mood for sex, yet deeply hurt when someone got angry at me over it. Trust me: Been there, done that. Why should I have a different standard for him, simply because of his gender? At nearly 38, apparently I still hadn’t grown out of thinking people can read my mind; I should have honestly asked for what I needed (affection and physical comfort) rather than insecurely trying to get it the roundabout way (through sex).

So, I suppose I learned a couple of valuable lessons. Stay far away from potentially emotional situations while I am under the influence of hormones. Be honest about what I need and want. Finally, don’t expect a man to “put out” just because you expect him to. Even men don’t want to feel like man meat all the time!

This guy is creepy in the extreme. I’ve taken the liberty of highlighting some of his craziness, in case you’re short on time. If not, feel free to browse the entire ad (Craigslist personals). In several places he asks: “Are you getting the point?” The answer is yes: I will stay as far away from you as is possible.

EDITED:
So many say they seek honesty, being able to speak with out fearing judgment or ridicule, Yeah ok !.. Yet to find thee. Please don’t fall in love with the words herein, fall in love with the man, NOT the boy (this is repeated from experience).
May (our) hopes and dreams be realized, Better than expected. I would love nothing more than to start (our) journey ASAP (remember this as it may become clearer if we get beyond just wishing).
IF WE CAN’T SPEAK HONESTLY WERE DOOMED FOR FAILURE ONCE MORE. (apparently some just want to continue flagging my ad) for there childish reason(s) behavior, perhaps someday (we) will stand by as we see Gods judgment passed on them.

Sooo many fall in love with my words, Sooo many have NO clue what type of man there overlooking. I would trade ALL them praises for the “right one” to come forth and “BELIEVE” we can make a BETTER life, Lets stop being indecisive, I put myself in that category aw well, Because I have one standing offer now, But there has to be SOME sliver of attraction. Unfortunately were judge too much by the cover, And NOT the content of the heart and soul. Again maybe I am just as guilty. And do feel take ownership of such guilt. Were NOT even close to perfect.
Oh what A tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive… There is always sad stories behind the above saying (both genders) are capable of GREAT deceptions, especially today. I prefer to be OPEN & HONEST.
EDITED:
So many say they seek honesty, being able to speak with out fearing judgment or ridicule, Yeah ok !.. Yet to find thee. Please don’t fall in love with the words herein, fall in love with the man, NOT the boy (this is repeated from experience).
May (our) hopes and dreams be realized, Better than expected.
FAMILY..
My name is Robert, For those that are NOT open to childbearing, I am sorry. I am seeking to start or add to FAMILY. I just wanted to save you some time reading. BTW; Future is a KEY word (more below).
SINCE THE ODDS ARE MOST WOMEN CONSIDERING SUCH WILL MOST LIKELY HAVE CHILDREN ALREADY……
( I will accept them as my own ). I thought this should be close to the top.
Please read carefully, I do NOT look favorably to respondent(s) that miss KEY information, You would think with all the crazy behavior and actions we hear on the news, we would be more thorough and FOCUSED. Gee whiz !!
I have been yearning and feel my life will never be complete until I have another chance at Fatherhood ( I will explain more in a more private setting) I have a story to share which MAY give you better UNDERSTANDING, I watch programs were I almost break down when the baby comes into this world. Will you give us that chance?
EXCLUSIVITY IS EARNED AND I DO SEEK THAT, UNDERSTATEMENT !
I ask that you bare with me as I lay some foundation for UNDERSTANDING. I utilize caps for emphasizing, NOT screaming. Unfortunately we live in a society which almost everything has to be beyond realistic, Everyone has needs. But what are we willing to do to meet the others needs? Think about that as you continue reading or NOT.
I hope as I continue moving towards my hopes and dreams you will allow me to speak as I hope ANY woman would want there MAN to speak, HONESTLY ….
Much of the juicy stuff and I mean that in a “good” sense is below 🙂 Unfortunately my prior experiences have dictated I defend some of my character .. Well see if you understand or agree, If not. No hard feelings.
We all have our petty likes and dislikes. What is important to some, may NOT be on the radar screen or as important to others. BTW; How did your last “type” work out? Remember this as you either BELIEVE in me, US or you continue seeking “YOUR TYPE”.
Talk to me but don’t be mean as some have been in the past, If it doesn’t FIT no hard feelings right?
FAMILY.
Please understand I am one of few on ANY dating site that is committed to US. By US, I mean you me and any significant other. Having each others back, Easier said than practiced, easier brushed aside than understanding what this means, It may have a different meaning to you as it has to me. Perhaps the “right one” for me will want to learn if (we) share the same outlook, hopes and dreams. To learn what’s Robert’s definition of having YOUR back as well as MINE.
If you believe there are still SOME good men still willing to accept you NOT for what you posses in material “things” But your compassion and understanding, then please read forth.
I choose to be open at the cost of some ridicule and judgment. I have cut back on the amount of script because of some of the cynical people that have responded to my ad in the past, My ad has been flagged MANY times.
Even if it is because of the length of the ad, It is still no legitimate reason, even if there responses are shallow and selfless and I respond wishing them well in there search and they take it personally or whatever childish reason(s) they choose to flag my ad I will continue re posting until I find thee.
If you don’t think (our) success is worth some time to develop UNDERSTANDING….. Were NOT going to succeed and that is what i want the outcome to be success. How about you?
If you believe age is more important than attraction and substance… Were NOT of the same mind set and so we agree to disagree (exchange pics) and go from there, NO HARD FEELING EITHER WAY were adults. NOT kiddies. This paragraph apparently is NOT computing to some, Because I still receive responses that ask my age and photo right of the bat, Not Hello Robert my name is ________________________.
See I believe etiquette IS important, even if we find out later were NOT meant to be together. We accept even reluctantly as I have in the past and move on.
BTW; Do you realistically believe someone less than 30 years old would be writing like this? So yes; I prefer to be open but don’t want what could be the “RIGHT ONE” to dismiss me because of numbers, there is much more ammunition to dismiss me below 🙂
So many have come and gone… for as many reason(s). I am NOT perfect, Actually I have done many things I am ashamed and sorry for, But in all confidence I try to do the “right thing”, No matter what were talking about, I have flaws, But as long as God knows whats in my heart, I don’t need people to acknowledge that deep down I am a good person.
I don’t expect ANYONE to have enough information to make an informed decision, whether Robert is a good person or whether Robert will hang around in tough times, Believe me after all I have been through, I know what I want. However I also understand, It is only God’s will. All is his will.
No site is impervious to bad elements (both genders).
Hopefully at some point, I will be UNDERSTOOD and NOT misunderstood.
I am not here to play games, I still believe I will find thee, Yes; even on this site full of so many personalities, good, bad and in between. I believe were very close to judgment day. Closer that most people can wrap themselves around ( I will expand some if you bare with me).
I am NOT rich, I am NOT a cowboy, though I probably would look good in a cowboy hat with my long hair. I am NOT perfect (repeated)
I am a “GOOD” man that has been through a lot, deceived, judged, misunderstood. They (my past relations) have said they “loved” me. So I guess there is still hope for the future 🙂 BTW; Actions speak louder than words, even all these words. Don’t fall in love with the words, fall in love with me and help me BELIEVE in thee.
FAMILY….
Are you getting the point?
Though there are MANY other men on this site you could consider and most likely in a better place and under BETTER circumstances than Robert, Perhaps my character, compassion and HONESTY should be given a chance to come through…………………
Sometime around late July or Aug, I will be wanting to buy a piece of property were I (we) can live. Well see if (we) can agree were to purchase, If purchasing is NOT an option at that point (we) can rent. If this is the option, I will need a house with a garage for my workshop. Again that is a ways away, lots to learn and overcome. I want to emphasize, Were we choose to reside is NOT as important to me as WHO I CHOOSE TO BELIEVE IN….
How about you?
Will you go the distance with me? By that I mean even if I was in Florida currently? I am ! Do you believe distance is easier to overcome than TRUST?
I do!!
Why am I positing in Louisville and surrounding area, Is because I believe I will find thee there and I also have been through Kentucky many times, I use to have a small Kentucky.
Another tid bit I like Holidays with snow even though I am native Florida guy, But there is more to overcome like.. You got it TRUST ! !
Are you open to being patient? That is just one quality (we) need to posses, Trust me, I would have preferred this search to be over, UNDERSTATEMENT. But know believe that it is from my current suffering that (we) may have the means to (our) dream(s).
I had to apply for disability, My day in court is coming as stated late July, Aug or Sept. I would hope (we) have all (our) ducks lined up before I go into that courtroom, Although life is never guaranteed beyond our next step. Also you should understand that I choose(d) to reveal this at the potential cost of being greatly deceived, Don’t think I am naive.
Exclusivity is earned (repeated).. and I expect we will be discussing this in depth further down the road, I want to put EVERYTHING in ONE basket, But I come with the SHOW ME mentality as well as…………………..
ASLTW !! That is the abbreviation for actions speak louder than words.
I am open to exchanging photos first. But please….. a name 🙂 Remember etiquette. Then IF we get past that unknown, I would like to send you some of my writing(s).
I am pet friendly, believe a dog and other animals should be part of “THE FAMILY”.

The Sex-Addicted Sandwich Stealer (aka, SASS) has a twin brother. He has been showing up at the church I work at on Sundays, causing my heart to lurch sickly every time I see him. SASS told me long ago how competitive he and his twin have always been over women and, indeed, I see the glimmer of interest in the SASS twin’s eyes. This means I spend my Sunday mornings trying to dodge him, then trying to perfect my “I am not interested in having conversation with you, but still want to appear polite” face when he corners me. Yesterday, the spirit of SASS must have entered the twin (or perhaps its simply because they are twins), for I had a horrified moment of flashback. Twin grabbed a package of cookies sitting on the refreshment table, frantically ripped at the packaging, grabbed a handful and began cramming them in his mouth like a man possessed. He then grabbed several packages of sweetener and furtively shoved them in his pocket before leaving. Dare I say this duo has a problem with food???

In other news, after conversations, soul-searching and spending the night together twice, my lover and I are reunited. We have no commitment other than the vow of sexual monogamy and we are taking things very slowly. I’m torn between joy (and relief at not dating anyone but him) and fear. I’m trying really hard to focus more on living my life and enjoying the times when our lives intersect and less on trying to figure out what it all means…could mean…will mean in the future…could mean if the time-space continuum disintegrates and the world as we know it collapses. I think I’ve made my point.

Finally, I bought a marvelous new toy: http://www.amazon.com/LELO-Ina-Purple-Dual-action-Vibrator/dp/B002P5BTLC. Ladies, the discovery that A.) You can purchase this marvelous invention off Amazon, B.) It comes with very solid reviews on every single site researched (Yes, I research my sex toys in advance) and C.) It has a charger rather than having to constantly replace batteries made me willing to pay the hefty fee. It is worth every penny. However, after a couple of nights spent with my flesh-and-blood lover, I was again reminded that no matter how many orgasms I can achieve on my own, nothing compares to the real thing.

I fucking hate “Casablanca”. Of course, I’m starting in the middle of my story…

In my life, I’ve taken many routes to self-understanding: Self-help books, meditation, hypnosis, classes, tarot readings, palm readings, psychology, psychiatry, yoga, traveling, talking, drinking, sex, celibacy, organized religion, paganism, agnosticism, atheism…

Well, you get the point. I’ve had a privileged enough existence that I’ve been able to deeply contemplate the MEANING of life and interactions with others, sometimes ad nauseam. WHY do I feel this why? Should I feel this way? How do they feel? How should I feel about how they feel? The one thing I’ve absolutely discovered about myself and that remains constant: I absolutely despise ambiguity or vagueness

I don’t mind things not being black and white; I’m able to grasp and appreciate the complexities of situations and human beings. I’m not afraid of hard work in a relationship. Show me a relationship mountain dotted with jagged rocks and complicated terrain and I will climb it!

However, ask me to stand on the edge of a cliff with nothing but nebulous mist below me and step off into nothing, having only blind faith in the universe to support me…Frankly, just tell me goodbye now and let’s leave it at that.

I don’t WANT to be that way. I want to be nonchalant and open to whatever comes. I want to just let things happen. I want to have a lack of attachment to the outcome. I’ve realized trying to force myself to be those things in situations where I am VERY attached to the outcome is like asking fish to fly: It’s unnatural and has a very low success rate.

Sitting across the table from the man who broke my heart five months earlier, I felt a wave of realization wash over me. I still love him. I’ve done everything I can to see the negatives, to see the potential problems we might have had, to see his flaws clearly (which I do, believe me), to tell myself I can find someone better suited to me.  I’ve done it all in an attempt to assuage the grief that came with watching him walk away. Now I have to realize none of my self-talk meant anything. I still love him and I still want him in my life, flaws and all.

After hours of soul-searching conversation, an admission of love from him that I’d ached for months to hear and then passionate embraces in the parking lot, from which we practically had to tear ourselves away…I still have no idea where I stand.

He told me of watching Casablanca after he ended things and then weeping at the end. He looked at me and said, “You’re my Ingrid Bergman.” For a moment, I was taken over by the romance of the moment.

That moment lasted just long enough for me to get into my car, at which point logic returned and the resounding thought in my head was, “I don’t WANT to be your Ingrid Bergman! Casablanca sucked!”

The brief dialogue we’ve had since then, when I called to say “I think we need to talk” is wishy-washy to the extreme. It’s “I love you in every sense of the word, but I’m on a journey…what if at the end of the journey I decide we have to part ways?” “I want you in my life, yet I’m not sure where my life is headed. I don’t want to make the wrong decision and hurt you more.” “I can’t keep myself away from you physically or emotionally, but I don’t know what that means.”

Is it possible I’m in love with the one person who overthinks things more than I do?

The conversation had to end abruptly and is due to resume later. Hanging up the phone, the overwhelming emotion I feel is fury. Either commit to loving me, with all that involves, or stay the hell out of my life. We could have met and had drinks and walked away without declarations or passion or texts afterwards about how much we wish we were together; he opened THAT door. Walk through the door or I will close it and continue the business of moving on.

I love him, but frankly, I’m tired of loving people who don’t have the courage to love back. It takes courage to love someone and step up to the plate. It’s easy to talk about, but love is a fucking verb. I’m with Nike on this: Just DO it.

To peg me as Ingrid Bergman’s character in Casablanca, the woman who is loved and left out of some sense of noble sacrifice just infuriates me. It hurt like hell to believe in November he was leaving me because he didn’t love me. To hear he loves me, but there’s still a high probability (even though HE hasn’t decided yet) we won’t be together makes me ANGRY. At this point my heart wants to hear what else he has to say and hopes he moves past his over-analysis and fear to say “Yes, let’s do this.” My logic (and my ego) wants to say “Get the hell out of my life unless you can be clear about what you want.”

My heart, mind and ego are all in agreement that we feel the need to punch something, very hard, over and over again. I’m not sure what this evening will hold for me, but it for damn certain isn’t going to be yoga and meditation.

Here’s looking at you, kid.

They walk slowly toward each other, as though in a trance. They both realize on a soul-level, they’ve never felt like this before, this primal pull toward someone else that encompasses body, heart and mind. They may have only met a few days ago, but it feels like they’ve known each other, loved each other, for a lifetime. Both of them know with every fiber of their being they are soulmates, meant to be together, bound for all eternity…

(Harp music plays softly in the background, swelling as the lovers embrace.)

In today’s dating culture, there seems to exist a myth of “the one”. The “one” is that magical being who is going to totally get you, fill you with joy and transform your life. They will be a best friend, emotional port in the storm and, of course, the sex will be mind-blowing. Afterall, doesn’t media support that notion? Books, movies, music, television all portray love as a magical thing that just happens and boy, when it does, it is the most incredible thing you’ve ever experienced.

This is, mostly, a crock of shit.

I’ve felt “the feeling”; It’s called lust and infatuation. Once the lust was satisfied and the infatuation faded, I found “the feeling” also started to evaporate when faced with the stress of day-to-day life and human flaws. Love is not a magical, mystical state. Sometimes, it is a verb. For every single relationship I’ve had, I always hit a patch where I doubted. There’s always a moment when you wonder if you’re with the partner that is the most ideal for you. Why? Because nothing stays perfect and sometimes it is hard work to be in a relationship. The newness wears off, there are days you want to punch them in the face and you lose sight of the reasons why you chose to be with them in the first place. Isn’t it easier to simply believe someone is out there with whom it will be easy, rather than think about compromise and work?

I feel this is one of the reasons why my last relationship failed. Despite the acknowledgement by my partner that we had great conversation, always enjoyed our time together, didn’t fight,  got along great and had fantastic sex…well, he just didn’t have the right “feeling”. Harp music didn’t play after seven months together, so clearly, something was wrong. Did harp music play for me? Nope. Instead, I met a man whom I liked and was attracted to. I enjoyed his company and respected his values and ideas. The more time we spent together, the more I liked him. At some point,like grew into love. Love for a real person with flaws, not a fairy tale myth. I knew this was someone I could build a life with. It wasn’t boring and it wasn’t settling; it was something solid. I sometimes wonder if my ex-lover is still looking for the myth and somehow thinking he’ll be settling if he doesn’t find that transforming, life-altering “feeling”. It saddens me to think he has given up a relationship he enjoyed and counted as fulfilling and good, to chase a Disney dream.

Profile after profile I read online perpetuates this idea. “I’m looking for that one woman like no other.” “I’m not willing to settle until I find that special feeling.” A man with whom I recently had three dates, told me he really liked me and was very attracted to me. After the third date he told me he just didn’t have that “feeling” about me, so he was going to keep looking. Since our third date had also brought out his craziness, I wasn’t too sad about this.

If only our lives were like a romantic comedy. Boy meets girl (cute indie rock song plays in the background). Boy and girl fall in love and have gratuitous moments of cuteness and hot sex scenes where everyone looks beautiful and sexy (dreamy or sexy music in the background…possibly some R&B?). Girl and boy encounter problems that seem almost insurmountable (sad, melancholy music in the background, accompanied by lots of gazing out windows).  Girl and boy realize they cannot live without each other and have a touching reunion (slow, melodic indie rock song plays softly as they embrace).

Wouldn’t it be great it all of our lives, especially our romances, had a soundtrack?

However, I no longer believe there is fairy tale love. I think all lovers can have moments of breathtaking beauty. I also think relationships are just as much about work, contentment, being able to weather the storms and still maintain friendship and respect. How many people are passing on partners that might bring them a lifetime of joy in the hope they’ll find someone that transforms them and makes them hear harp music? This is fear of commitment with an underlying deceit: I’ll commit, but only to a storybook love. Much like men who have looked at airbrushed Victoria Secret models their entire life and can’t settle for a real woman, this is setting everyone up for a colossal disappointment and a life of loneliness. Especially in the world of online dating, where there are always another hundred profiles of people not yet dated, why settle for someone that only matches you on 18 out of 20 things?

I’m not looking for a fairy tale  prince, just a flesh and blood man. One whom I respect and like, who makes me laugh. Someone with whom I can have great conversation and share the victories and disappointments of life. He won’t be perfect; Sometimes he will piss me off or let me down, just as I will him. The sex will be great most of the time, but there will be nights one of us is too tired or not into it. There will probably be miscommunication and fights, which we will work through because we love and respect each other. He won’t transform me, because transformation is MY job, not his. He won’t expect me to transform him, because he’s ready and prepared to do his own work. When he looks at a hot babe or finds himself attracted to the cool chick at the office, he’ll be adult enough to acknowledge it as a human feeling and let that be the end of it. Because at the end of the day, the love we have created and built together far outweighs some fantasy. He’ll know there will be days my hair is frizzy and I don’t change out of my pajamas; he’ll also know there will be days I take his breath away. There will be nights we want to be clingy and needy and lean on the other one, but realize they need some space and let them go with a smile. There will be nights we pout because they aren’t being our “everything” and they will forgive us for it, even as we’re laughing at our own childishness. For me, this is what love looks like: Real life, real people. I think it’s far sexier and more exciting than a chick-flick romance or Disney ending.

When I meet this man, I won’t hear harp music playing in the background. I doubt I’ll feel certainty and connection on some molecular level. That’s okay. I’m willing to watch a seed grow, do the work to help nurture it as it matures, then enjoy the blossoming as it comes. We’ll make our own soundtrack together.

Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night.  I miss you like hell.  ~Edna St. Vincent Millay

My relationship is over, abruptly and with absolutely no warning. The man who won my trust and my heart arrived for what would turn out to be our last evening together and shattered me, without ever removing his coat. The reasons he gave are completely out of context with his actions and behavior and I am still struggling to make sense of it all.

The one thing I know absolutely is this is the first time since my divorce that I have allowed myself to be completely vulnerable with someone, without holding back. What I saw as his strong values and ethics, along with his consistent progression of our relationship, finally allowed me to trust. Trembling, I gave him my heart, believing he would value and treat it gently. Instead, with timing, delivery and abruptness that bordered on casual cruelty, he broke my heart and my trust and left me sitting there weeping.

I wish that heartbreak were like riding a bike and once you’ve learned how to do it, you never forget. Logically, I know all the right things to do and say. Emotionally, it’s like this is my first time. I feel such intense grief there are moments I can’t breathe and my chest hurts. I walk around trying to project normal, when I feel anything but. The loss of this relationship, this man, is like a death. Yet I have no corpse to weep over, to hold a wake for, to gather family and friends to mourn with me. Perhaps real death would be easier to understand and grieve than this loss that seems so confusing and unnecessary. Yet now, friends and family try to help as well as they can, without truly understanding. Afterall, my pain is invisible. There is no corpse, no funeral. There is no tangible, visible wound. My heart aches, I can’t breathe and my brain won’t stop replaying every conversation and scene. I can’t stop remembering the scent of his cologne or the way he called me sweetheart. Yet it’s all invisible and the bulk of what I receive are well-meaning platitudes about time and moving on and how it wasn’t meant to be. I even say them myself, to try to make other people feel comfortable. Because I know they couldn’t handle the screaming, crying, broken thing that is inside me right now. This raw and primal creature that wants to crawl out of my shell of normalcy and rend the smiling, carefully made-up, professional, good mother, caring friend persona I am trying so hard to project. That grieving creature wants to howl and weep and break the entire fucking world right now. She would not be welcome at work, parties, or in general society. So I wake every morning and carefully dress and put on my mask. Then I go and pretend, hoping one day soon I won’t have to pretend anymore.

When I’m alone is when the creature comes out and I find myself curled in a ball, keening out my loss and grief to an empty room. When my chest feels so tight it’s painful and I’m having a hard time getting enough breath, then and only then will I take one of my prescribed Xanax. I let her howl and hope that if she does it as long as she needs to, away from polite society, perhaps she will slowly fade away and that like this man that I still love, will only be a ghost of my past.

Until then I will breathe and try to give myself the space I need to heal. No dating, no relationships….the thought of attempting one makes me feel sick. Just holding for now…