Happy Birthday To Me

Posted in Uncategorized on April 24, 2013 by sexandthesinglesoccermom

I just entered my last year in my 30’s. It was a quiet, but good day, with many birthday wishes from friends. I spent the evening with my children, who showered me with love.

I’m determined this year is going to be better than last, which in many ways was spectacularly bad. I’m still trying to recover from the latter half of 2011 and most of 2012, so at a minimum, I think things can only get better!

I’ve begun therapy, which has been difficult, but ultimately I think will help me wade through it all. I feel stronger and healthier physically and I plan to continue to challenge my body. I’ve promised my children I will work on writing, because they continue to say “Mom, I think you’ll be so famous once you write your book!” While I can’t promise them fame (nor does that appeal to me tremendously), I definitely want to work toward publication. I have some exciting possibilities for my current job.

I want this next year to be about falling in love with myself. I’m going to follow the words of Walt Whitman “I celebrate myself, and sing myself”. I’m good at loving and accepting other people, but haven’t shown myself the same thing. I think it’s time that changed. I can logically tell myself that I’m a valuable person who has a tremendous amount to offer. The fact that I have spent the last two years either in a relationship where I didn’t truly feel valued/cared for the way I wanted or grieving over it’s demise tells a different story.

This next year will be different.

 

Love Yourself

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The Illusion of Beauty: Part 3

Posted in body image, objectifying women, raising daughters, self-esteem, women's bodies, women's liberation, women's rights with tags , , , , , on April 22, 2013 by sexandthesinglesoccermom

“There is nothing more rare, nor more beautiful, than a woman being unapologetically herself; comfortable in her perfect imperfection. To me, that is the true essence of beauty.” ~ Dr. Steve Maraboli

“Health makes good propaganda.”  ~Naomi Wolf “The Beauty Myth: How Images of Beauty Are Used Against Women”

In 2013, the cry amongst the media is for “healthy” bodies. Of course, what is healthy? Who decides what is healthy and what is their incentive/motivation when doing so? The doctor attempting to sell yet another diet book? The companies trying to convince you their product will make all your body image woes disappear? Once again the ideal body for a female is slender, but with rock hard abs, defined arms and large breasts:

Perfect body

Victoria's Secret

perfect-female-body

Of course, this look is completely impossible for most women to achieve. Others will come close with serious food deprivation, hard physical training and sometimes surgery. It’s not enough to just be “thin” anymore, unless you are on the runway.

In the fashion world, skeletal thinness is still used by runway models who have become the perfect human clothes hanger:

thin model 1

thin model 3

There’s another place and time this look was seen:

concentration camps

Concentration Camp Inmates

How is it that there are people who favor a look only attained by torture, starvation and near death? The rise of anorexia and bulemia (in girls as young as 8!), the increase of hospitalization and even death among young women has made some people sit up and take notice. The efforts of specific organizations who attempt to raise awareness about the havoc being wreaked on our young women is slowly shifting the consciousness. A rising tide of rebellion is beginning and although still not enough to completely infiltrate and break down the cult of beauty that has our culture in it’s grip, it is creating cracks in the foundation. Today, more people are recognizing that beauty comes in many shapes and sizes. Better yet, marketers are starting to realize (finally) that showing size 0 models to the average size 10-14 woman is not serving them well. Slowly, slowly, we are starting to see women that, although still almost impossibly beautiful, look more like women who don’t starve themselves into an unnatural state.

Plus sized model 2Ford Models Celebrates The Publication Of Crystal Renn's "Hungry"Plus sized model 3

It’s a start, a good one, to showing women that it’s okay to be human beings…healthy, happy human beings who don’t have to fit into a mold created by society. There are women who are naturally thin and women who are not. There’s nothing wrong with being thin, athletic and toned…just as there’s nothing wrong with having breasts and hips and thighs and a stomach. Finally, the designers and industries that cater to women are starting to realize WE are the consumer; we’re just not going to take the abuse anymore. It’s still a slow road: These mannequins, used by a Swedish store, have sparked much controversy. While many have reacted very positively and praised the use of  mannequin models that resemble the average woman, some have claimed it encourages obesity.

Swedish mannequin pic

Of course, the use of size zero mannequins and models, some with legs hardly larger than a person’s arm, has encouraged anorexia and bulemia for years. It’s encouraged depression and low self-esteem in women and, increasingly, in very young girls. Showing only women who look like prepubescent girls with large breasts has perpetuated an unrealistic fantasy for men, who begin to believe that is how all women SHOULD look, when very few women will be able to attain it. It has equated “thin” with “good” and “healthy” and anything over a size 8 (and sometimes that’s considered too big) with “bad” and “unhealthy”. Plus sized models start at a size 8, when the average  American woman is a size 12 or 14. And yes, there’s an argument to be made that the average American diet is unhealthy, thus leading to a problem with weight. Setting up unrealistic, unattainable and in some cases, unhealthy, standards for women to look to is NOT the answer. Even very thin women can be heard lamenting about the few ounces of extra weight they have on their bodies…despite a predisposition toward thinness, healthy eating and diligent exercise. How do women learn to feel comfortable in their bodies when they are being sent constant messages that say they are unacceptable?

Plus size vs straight size

A “plus” sized model compared to a “regular” model

How can we get to a place of acceptance that we are more than our bodies, when we are constantly being told that our bodies are all that matter? On top of that, the constant message is our bodies are NOT acceptable unless they are starved and exercised into a form that is often unnatural. Even our little girls learn from an early age that beauty has a specific size:

woman object 4

How do we teach our young women (and our young men), that the female body can be beautiful in many shapes, many sizes? When do we stop acting like we all need to resemble barbie dolls in order to be acceptable, beautiful…good?

I want a different world for my daughters (and myself), yet sometimes am unsure how to effect change in such a rampantly superficial world. What can a single individual do to promote a healthier, more diverse culture of body image? Here are the things I’ve come up with that I CAN change:

  • Avoid negative talk about weight or shape. No more talk about “fat” or “skinny” and no more judgement language about bodies. Bodies are bodies, neither good nor bad.
  • Don’t use food as reward or punishment and avoid negative statements about food. Provide healthy food, then let your child make their own choices about it.
  • Compliment my child on accomplishments, talent and effort. Children should feel they are valuable and valued for more than their appearance. Only complimenting girls (or boys) on the way they look (“You’re so pretty!” “What a cutie.”) links their self-esteem to their looks. Teach my children from an early age they are so much more than just their bodies or faces.
  • Restrict media images. From the Disney Channel to the Victoria’s Secret catalog that comes in the mail. Discuss the media images with my daughters.
  • Help them to understand what is normal and healthy, especially during changes that may naturally involve their bodies changing. Keep communication open.
  • Write to designers/clothing stores/magazines and inform them of what you like and what you don’t. Use my dollars to reinforce my values. If I really dislike the way “American Apparel” or “Guess” uses images and models and I don’t feel they support healthy body image, then I won’t buy their clothes. A single consumer won’t make a huge difference, but change starts with one person, right? If a company DOES promote positive body images, then let them know that too.
  • Finally…love and accept my own body. My children will follow my actions more than my words. Work hard on accepting that I am not defined by my body, then realize that my body is beautiful. Let my children see that it’s okay to not look like Barbie and still take joy and pride in my appearance. It’s fine for them to see me making healthy food choices and exercising…that’s just modeling good health. What’s not okay is for them to constantly hear “I can’t eat that–it’s got too many calories” or “I need to stop being lazy and workout”. What’s not okay is for them to constantly be hearing about the latest diet or technique for losing weight. They learn from me, so I need to make sure I’m teaching them the right things.

Finally…realize how ridiculous it all is. Women spend a large chunk of their lives as slaves to the beauty ideal…which can’t even stay constant! We are slaves to something that shifts with political culture and socio-economic changes. We’re letting people who run the fashion industry (and let’s be honest: Should gay men really get to decide what a woman’s body should look like??) tell us what we should look like. We are starving, running, body-building, tweezing, waxing and even cutting ourselves open in an attempt to be “beautiful” and “sexy”, when those words could be/should be defined in many different ways! Realize the ridiculousness of it all and refuse to participate.

Tiny Fey, who is quickly becoming my hero, sums it all up nicely.

funny-Tina-Fey-body-image-quote

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The Illusion of Beauty: Part 2

Posted in body image, objectifying women, raising daughters, women's bodies, women's liberation with tags , , on April 17, 2013 by sexandthesinglesoccermom

“Beauty is in the eye of beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye”

The notion of female beauty is a fluid one, subject to rapid shifts depending on culture and who’s running the fashion industry. Beautiful, sexy, healthy: These words all shift with the decades. Yet they greatly influence how we perceive ourselves and how we feel we measure up with others in our society. The obsession with female beauty and the ideal body is not a new concept. Throughout the ages, artists have been attempting to capture the curves, grace and mystique of a woman. Men pursue beautiful woman; women want to be beautiful. But what is beautiful? How has our perception of beauty changed?

From artwork of the Middle Ages, which showed women with hips and breasts and a rounded stomach:

Birth_of_venusrubenesque

To artwork and images of the 1800’s:

Pierre-Auguste_Renoir_-_BaigneuseExotic-Dancers-In-1800s-8

In fact, being “thin” was not a lasting trend that was considered beautiful or fashionable until the 1920’s, when the flapper styles came into vogue. There were exceptions to this rule: Before the Civil War, tuberculosis ravaged the nation; called the ‘wasting disease”, one of the side effects was severe thinness. This look gained popularity for a brief time, until the antebellum era, when voluptuousness was again on the rise. Lillian Russell, a theatre actress who was around 200 lbs, was considered a great beauty. Curves ruled the scene until the Roaring 20’s, when women began to push for more independence. A boyish figure was the look of the decade…

flappers

Until the 30’s and 40’s, when Marilyn Monroe and other actresses brought curves back into the spotlight:

Marilyn

curvy vs skinny 1

Then came Twiggy: A British teenager who was part of London’s “Swinging 60’s”, Twiggy’s ultra-thin, androgynous look changed the fashion industry overnight:

twiggy

The 90’s brought a mixture of body styles, from the curvaciousness of Cindy Crawford, who was once dubbed “too busty” to be a runway model:

cindy crawford

Juxtaposed with the “waif” look of Kate Moss:

kate-moss-calvin-klein-obsession-4

In 2013, where are we with body image? What is it that we’ve determined is the ideal beauty?

To be continued…

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The Illusion of Beauty: Part 1

Posted in body image, objectifying women, raising daughters, self-esteem, women's bodies, women's liberation, women's rights with tags , , , , , on April 15, 2013 by sexandthesinglesoccermom

“The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched, they must be felt with the heart.” ~ Helen Keller

My youngest child has cheeks that are rosy with color and she loves to don a swimsuit or shorts and bare her skin to the sun. She is a lovely, sensitive, smart, artistic, incredible little girl. She is also quite chubby.

Three and a half years ago, she looked like a little ghost: Pale, with dark circles under her eyes. She was constantly sick and would be doubled over with stomach pain nearly every time she ate. After taking her to doctor after doctor, she was finally diagnosed with an autoimmune disease: Ulcerative Colitis. Freqeunt bleeding and a 106 fever even landed her in the hospital; it was a scary event for her father and I. This resulted in a massive dose of steroids to try to manage the severe symptoms. It worked. It also left her with raging emotions and a wicked appetite. Her weight gain was so fast and so significant, that I commented to someone once that it looked like this child had eaten the child she used to be. After awhile, we were able to wean her off the high dose of steroids and begin a more long-term approach.

Today, she looks like a healthy kid. A kid that plays and colors and sings and makes it to school. A child that looks at me and sometimes my breath catches, because she is so amazing, inside and out. Yet…

As a woman who has struggled with body image, I am concerned. As an adult who knows the way this superficial world works, I feel trepidation. When she reaches for seconds at meals or wants to have a big slice of bread for a snack, I struggle with how to react. I don’t EVER want her to feel like she is less than the beautiful, amazing girl she is. So when her pants don’t fit anymore, I simply buy new ones. I never disparage or comment on her body and I only use positive language. I stopped calling myself words like “fat” in front of my children long ago. Still, I know the way the world is; as she moves into adolescense, if the weight issue hasn’t resolved itself, I fear she will suffer the consequences. So I feel a bit sick inside: How do I meet this situation? To treat her differently than her sibling (who looks like a wraith no matter what she eats) around the subject of food will bring an awareness of her own body that I really don’t want her to have. To not take any action feels like setting her up for failure. I have been struggling with this dilemma for months…

And I’m angry. I’m angry at a world that punishes us for how our bodies look. I’m furious at a culture that believes objectification is okay. And I’m not certain that the average person is aware of how insidious, how prevalent, it is. Let me help put it in perspective:

 

woman object 1woman object 7woman object 5woman object 6woman object 8woman object 11woman object 2woman object 10woman object 9

woman object 3

What do these images convey about women? They are nothing more than the sum of their parts: Breasts, thighs, ass and legs. Because of this they are interchangeable; we don’t even need to show their faces! They are vapid, empty vessels waiting to be filled by men. Merchandise, to be used and displayed as desired. If the female model’s face is even shown, it is often void of expression. Afterall, she is simply an object and objects don’t think or feel. She is a coat rack, a fantasy, an apex of thighs, a valley of breasts, a hole (while the guy fantasizes about his real passion, as exemplified in the ad for the car), a product…not a human being.

As if those ideas weren’t degrading enough to women, there is also the implied violence and oversexualization present in the majority of the photos. A man between a woman’s thighs as other men look on, a man possessively clutching a bare breast with one hand while grasping a woman’s head with the other, text reading “NOW OPEN” above a photo of a woman’s spread legs. The apathy and bared breasts of a model who looks to be barely out of her teens, selling riding pants.

Do we really need to wonder why we live in a culture of violence toward women? These images were a few culled from thousands just like them. The message that women are the sum of their sexual parts, they are objects, they are prized only for their beauty and sexuality…this is the daily message blared at us from magazines, billboards, television and the advertising industry.

Women: Is this what we want for ourselves? For our children? Men: Is this the norm you’d want for your mother/sister/daughter?

How did we get here?

To be continued

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And…I’m Done

Posted in Dating, depression, online dating, self-esteem, self-improvement on April 9, 2013 by sexandthesinglesoccermom

The last couple of weeks…okay, the last couple of months, I’ve been a mess.  An incident about a week ago finally opened my eyes: I can’t keep going the way that I am. My ability to maintain even my carefully prized public mask is falling apart; there have been days that my demons and inner critic were whispering in my ear so loudly, I could hardly drown them out.

The last two years have been hell on my self-esteem and my psyche. The space between various stages of relationship with D left me only enough time to draw a breath before I was slapped down yet again. I made the poor decision to begin dating out of grief and fear, while convincing myself I was ready. Yet the incident that finally opened my eyes highlighted a truth I’d been feeling for weeks now: Not only am I not ready to be dating again, but I also don’t know how to pace things so I’m not exhausted or can maintain my own sense of self; the quest for a mate becomes all-consuming and begins to feel like the holy grail. Meanwhile, I’m still a mess and I’m not enjoying myself. How can I possibly attract into my life the person I desire, when I’m barely holding it together?

After the incident, I spent the day crying, then went on a date that I’d already scheduled. He managed to inform me over the course of two drinks that he’d practiced the “pull out” method of birth control for 5 years, he wasn’t “vanilla”, he liked spanking and he apologized with a naughty grin (twice) for staring at my “tits”.

Time to drop back and punt, so to speak. The thought of being alone is scary to me, but so is the thought of  either wasting a good portion of my life weeding through men like that OR having what happened during the last two years ever happen again. I can’t change anyone else or their actions, so I can’t control the future. Yet I can try to ensure that I’m strong enough that someone else won’t devastate me the way D did.

So…therapy and a lot of work on myself. Grief and anger, but trying to not get stuck there. Working toward a place where I feel complete on my own. The last few nights I haven’t had my children, I’ve spent working out and reading self-help books. Exercises to try and help me evaluate what my thought processes are and how to change them. Journaling. Crying…lots of crying.

So…I’m off the dating sites again. This month is my birthday, as well as the two year anniversary of my first date with D. He’s been in my life for the last two birthdays; it seems somewhat symbolic and right to take steps toward reclaiming and rebuilding my self-esteem and strength during this month.

 

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“Data, A Love Story: How I Gamed Online Dating To Meet My Match” (Book Review)

Posted in Uncategorized on March 25, 2013 by sexandthesinglesoccermom

So, I recently purchased and read “Data, A Love Story: How I Gamed Online Dating to Meet My Match” by Amy Webb.

I was excited to read this book, because it featured a woman who’d had appallingly bad luck with online dating sites, but was determined to find her match. Using her skill with analyzing data, she spent extensive time researching and interacting with people online to pinpoint exactly what made female profiles popular. As the Amazon book synopis says: “Using the same gift for data strategy that made her company the top in its field, she found the key words that were digital man magnets, analyzed photos, and studied the timing of women’s messages, then adjusted her (female) profile to make the most of that intel.”

How could I resist that?

So I waited for it to arrive, ripped open the package and consumed it greedily. I even missed out on precious sleep to get it read quickly. I was excited to find these “key words” that would be “digital man magets”!

After just a few pages I was a little startled at how self-absorbed the author was and how neurotic she came across. I didn’t connect with her at all and had a strong suspicion I wouldn’t like her if we met in person. This is a woman who created a color-charted, coded binder to take to a first therapy session, listing all sources of potential angst and episodes in her life which might have contributed to her need for therapy. When the therapist was taken aback and inferred this might be part of the problem, the author recounted for her readers how she’d saved the therapist hours of work and didn’t understand why it was a problem. Regardless, I wanted to find out what this neurotic, organizationally-driven data analyst had come up with about online dating.

Imagine my surprise to discover that Ms. Webb’s exciting discoveries that she uncovered by creating 10 fake “Super” Male profiles and interacting with the popular women under false pretenses amounted to the following:

  • Refer to yourself as a “girl” in your tagline and profile because it makes you seem youthful and less intimidating.
  • Use the word “fun” a lot. Men like “fun” women who are youthful and non-threatening.
  • Keep your profile brief and generic–preferably three sentences or so. That way you can’t alienate any potential suitors by listing a favorite movie that they don’t like. Also, it’s non-threatening.
  • Men like short women and all the popular girls were listed as between 5’1″ and 5’3″, even though it appeared some of these women were lying.
  • Men prefer blonde, straight hair over any other color and curly.
  • Choose flattering photos that preferably show skin, that have been snapped right after you’ve been laughing and after you’ve covered all showing skin in a lotion that makes it glow. You must go for vibrant, youthful and healthy.
  • Take your pictures right after you’ve been laughing, so you appear very happy.
  • After you’ve been contacted, don’t reply to messages for at least 20-24 hours and don’t set up a date right away. Otherwise, you’re too available. Keep the messages brief and light.

So…let me sum up based on the key-words I found: Be a youthful, fun, generic, non-threatening GIRL, preferably dressed in something that shows your glowing and vibrant skin, over which your straight, blonde hair cascades. Then be interested…but not TOO interested.

Oh my…is THAT all there is to it??? Because that’s been a closely guarded secret for YEARS! I had no idea that men liked non-threatening, fun, generic, happy girls over women with complexities! Men like blondes that show a lot of youthful, glowing skin? You don’t say??? It’s amazing!

By the way, in case it doesn’t come across as sarcasm in the written word, let me be more concise: No shit, Sherlock.

I felt incredibly ripped off and want my $16.80 back. While her recounting of some of her dates was amusing (and I could relate), her 72 point characteristic list that was required for a husband was not (Ex: Must love musicals, except for “Cats”; must be Jew…ish, but not too serious about it). I had purchased the book hoping to gain some insights from her “research”, but at the least hoped it would be an interesting read I could connect with. But this self-absorbed, manipulative, immature child left me cold.

As for the breakthroughs she discovered in how to win at online dating, it’s either common sense or it’s insulting. If I have to be a “girl” instead of a “woman” to get a man, that doesn’t say much for the man. Nor do I want a man who requries me to be generic and non-threatening in order to secure a date. Lying about your height? Saying that men want blondes with straight hair? Are these the games we want to play to find a life partner? Here would be MY list of necessary profile tips:

  • Do use flattering pictures
  • Do write something unique that catches their eye in the first couple of sentences, so you stand out from the thousands of other profiles
  • Don’t be negative (i.e., Cheaters need not apply; I’m not interested in liars, etc.)
  • Don’t launch into your entire relationship history online.
  • Do write to the person you want to attract, so give some thought about who that is and the words that will appeal to him.

The best advice I ever saw on writing online profiles is to remember that you don’t want a profile that will appeal to everyone. You want a profile that will appeal to the men you’d be interested in. Otherwise, you’d be wading through a ton of unnecessary emails to try to find the potential partners you might have something in common with.

I’m glad that Ms. Webb’s techniques worked for her–she apparently got a man who was over a 700 on her ridiculous scoring chart and married him. Or maybe she just got lucky. Either way, the book didn’t exactly show me the way to success. Unfortunately, I think there’s still just a lot of weeding through that ends up happening with online dating. Lately, most of my dates have been fun and enjoyable, but without much potential for a relationship. We just haven’t clicked.

That “click” is the thing that all the data and scoring charts in the world isn’t going to give you. When it comes to love and attraction, there’s a lot of ways in which data falls short.

 

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Why The Local Cuban Men Possibly Think I’m A Whore

Posted in Dating, online dating with tags , , on March 22, 2013 by sexandthesinglesoccermom

There’s a great cuban restaurant close to my house. When they opened, I was thrilled; A local business with fantastic food and a decent wine/cocktail list that’s five minutes from my house. Perfect!

Sadly, I think I’m getting somewhat of a reputation there…and it’s not for the “soccer mom” portion of my pen name.

It’s only natural that when my dates ask for suggestions on a restaurant, it’s one of my top picks. If I’m dating someone exclusively, we go there throughout the course of the relationship. One memorable evening with D (when he suggested we get a pitcher of margaritas) I had two drinks on a relatively empty stomach and managed to get staggeringly drunk. Literally, not figuratively.

I might be able to overcome that impression. Except…

The other day I started counting the number of different men that have accompanied me for Cuban food and I was suddenly uncomfortable. The last three dates that I’ve taken there (within the past 3 weeks), I imagine I see a glint of something (Judgement? Lechery?) in their eyes when they look at me. Paranoid? Perhaps.

Yet I think it’s possible they think I’m a very loose woman, possibly even an escort (I prefer to fantasize they think I’m a very HIGH PAID escort–afterall, if I’m going to have people think I’m a lady of ill-repute, I’d like to at least be in the upper tier). I always show up in really cute clothes, with makeup and heels, with a different man. Frankly, most men don’t make it to a second date. So…

I may be in the market for a new first date restaurant. Which is sad, because at least I’m always guaranteed good food. Some people have notches on their belt. Apparently I have notches on my cuban restaurant attendance. Frankly, my number is too high…

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A Must Read for Parents of Boys!

Posted in Parenting, rape, Relationships, self-improvement, women's liberation with tags , , on March 21, 2013 by sexandthesinglesoccermom

Going hand-in-hand with my blog from yesterday is this article that I happened across: To End Rape We Must Raise Our Boys To Be Kind

In order to tackle a problem, we must recognize it and take some step toward a solution. This seems like one small step, amongst many that will be needed, toward a better world for our kids.

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I Am Not Responsible For Your Penis (An Angry, Long and Possibly Disjointed Rant)

Posted in Dating, online dating, women's bodies, women's liberation with tags , , , , , , on March 20, 2013 by sexandthesinglesoccermom

I’ve read a bunch of stuff about relationships over the last few years and included in that is a lot of research on understanding the minds of men. One book even contained a complicated system for attracting a man that involved specific eye patterns and subtle hand gestures that were supposed to mesmerize him into attraction. I laughed quite a lot, then threw the book in the garbage.

There is one “dating/relationship guru” that I’ve read quite a few articles by: Eric Charles of A New Mode. He has some interesting things to say and doesn’t seem highly gimmicky, which I like. I became a fan on Facebook and see his posts come across my newsfeed fairly frequently. After reading his articles, his posts, etc., I’ve come to some conclusions.

  • I think it is valuable to be given insight into a man’s mind, because women think so differently. In terms of sheer honesty, he lays it all out there. The good, the bad and the ugly. Forewarned is forearmed, right? So he’s doing women a service, isn’t he? However…
  • I always wind up feeling like he gives men a free pass to be assholes. Now, I’m sure he would fall back on the “forewarned is forearmed”, but there is a particular segment that finally sort of gelled why I found several of his posts off-putting….

Mr. Charles has been very outspoken about the fact that men who say they don’t want a relationship, for whatever reasons, really just don’t want to be in a relationship with you. That if he’s continuing to date you/sleep with you and yet won’t commit because of ANY cited reasons (My life is a mess, I need to focus on my career, I’m just not ready to commit, etc.), that what he’s really saying is that he’s happy to continue hanging out/having sex until the woman he wants to be with long-term comes along (the woman who, clearly, isn’t you).

Here’s my problem with this: Doesn’t that mean these men are liars? If they’re willing to string a woman along for sex, knowing they don’t really want to be with her (and most of these men know the woman wants a relationship), doesn’t that mean they are users? Doesn’t this put the responsibility on the woman in a weird and unfair way? Instead of constantly having to arm women to recognize men who lie and use, shouldn’t there be more information teaching men to not be douchebags?

So many of the questions I see being answered on this site (and with good reason) involve: How can I tell if he’s really interested in me? How can I know if he considers me his girlfriend? What can I do to get him? What can I do to keep him? Some of the messages are fantastic and I applaud Eric Charles and his professional partner Sabrina Alexis for trying to empower women with some of their statements. Be the attraction, instead of the attracted. Live your own life and stop waiting for a man. Be happy with who and what you are, instead of seeking that in a relationship. Bravo! However, there seems to be this pervasive undercurrent that makes women feel like they’ve always somehow erred in the dating/relationship world. They’ve probably been too needy, clingy, dramatic, too uptight, promiscuous…they must have been either too much or not enough of SOMETHING. So much of the dating advice for women feels blaming; If we had done more or done less, it all would have worked out! What about the men??

To me (and I’m about to go out on a fragile limb, because this is controversial), this conjures up all the discussion about rape and how women can prevent rape, another situation where the onus is placed on the woman. Because if you get raped, obviously you simply didn’t take enough preventative measures, right? You wore the wrong clothes, or were in the wrong place. You were too flirty, sexual and didn’t take enough safety measures. We are constantly, as women, inundated with information on how to protect ourselves from physical attack. (Thank God for some stirring in the media by organizations who aim to put the responsibility of preventing rape back on the place it belongs: Men who rape and a society that creates men who rape. (Men Can Stop Rape Organization).)

Yet women are also constantly being inundated with ways to protect themselves from emotional violations.

Yes, men and women are different and it’s crucial to work at understanding the differences if you want to have a great relationship. I realize that little girls are trained from birth on to play into a culture that is screwed up about sex and relationships and it isn’t ONLY men who create this environment. This blog, today, isn’t about the women. 🙂 Why can’t we start teaching boys from an early age to respect women? Why don’t we start training them early about women’s needs? How women respond? How about teaching them that it’s not okay to lie to or mislead a women to keep sleeping with her, just because they want to put their penis somewhere? That using a woman’s desire for a relationship and her emotions just to get laid is not okay? Impress upon boys from an early age that women have value beyond the decorative and sexual. Teach boys to be men of integrity.

I realize there are lots of men who DO have integrity; this is simply a rant because I’m tired of feeling like men frequently get a free pass for bad behavior. I’m exhausted by the daily conflicting messages women get about everything from looks to careers to relationships. I’m sick of the sly insinuations and subtle to overt criticisms, often conflicting, that still exist and break a woman down. I recently received a disrespectful email from a man on a dating site, stating that my hair was pretty and looking at it made his dick hard. I responded VERY negatively and then relayed the exchange to a dear family member, whom I love and respect. His response? “Good god, what kind of pictures do you have up?” When I wear a cute dress on a first date that shows some cleavage and my date attacks me in the parking lot, is it my fault? Can he not help himself, because he’s a man and wants to have sex? There are many who would say yes.

Bluntly put: Women should not have the constant responsibility of helping men control their dicks.

Whether we are talking about emotionally misleading women in relationships just to get some nookie, disrespecting them with your words and actions, or forcing yourself upon them physically. Do all men do this? No, definitely not. However, I do think there is still a cultural trend to be more forgiving of men who behave badly concerning sex and relationships. Instead of outrage, there’s still a rueful “boys will be boys” headshaking that goes on;  to the women who have been left with the consequences of WHATEVER the behavior was, there’s almost a “well, you should have known better” attitude. Or, what did you do to deserve it?

And yes, I know that to a certain extent, this is just the way it is. I know that Mr. Charles’s forewarned-is-forearmed approach is to help women deal with the reality of how many men approach dating and relationships and I mostly respect and like his advice. I can see that some things I might rail against are built-in, biological imperatives. Men are probably always going to be more sexually-oriented, while women are more relationship-geared, but there’s more going on with our dating/sex/relationship culture than just biology. I also recognize I am living in a world in which women are still second-class citizens, bound in part to the rules that are created by a society that does not respect them. On some days, like today, I just need to acknowledge that it sucks.

Still, I will continue to monitor my physical and emotional safety. I will try to apply my garnered “wisdom” to all my dating adventures and relationships, to ensure I’m not being misled or lied to. I’ll still closely watch what I do and say around men, in the hopes that they don’t get the wrong idea about me. I’ll look over my shoulder in dimly lit places, to make sure that I’m not about to be prey and hope that my dates manage to control themselves at the end of the night, so it’s not awkward or dangerous. I’ll still always think about birth control and disease prevention, because it’s my body and life most affected if I don’t. I’ll continue to watch for the verbal and non-verbal cues with men I’m dating, to try to find out if I’m being played or used.

And I’ll hope that perhaps we get to a place one day where women don’t have to feel so vulnerable, emotionally or physically. There are a lot of things that would need to be different in order to make that change in the world. Because it’s easy to say “Well, that’s just the way it is.” Yet for any significant change ever created, it had to start with someone who said: No, this is not acceptable.

So, let me state it clearly: NO. This is not acceptable. Where to go from here, I’m not certain…

 

 

 

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Thought For The Weekend

Posted in self-improvement, women's bodies, women's liberation with tags , , , on March 15, 2013 by sexandthesinglesoccermom

Ladies, this is particularly for you as you head into the weekend.

If you’ve ever suffered self-esteem issues….If you’ve ever felt rejected by the opposite sex….If you’ve ever looked at another woman and felt like you pale in comparison…

Dita Von Teese is a modern-day pin-up/burlesque beauty, known for her sultry looks and dangerous curves. I’m heterosexual and even I just want to keep looking at her photos. Keep her wisdom in mind:

dita von teese pic

You can be beautiful, sexy and luscious and there will still be men who don’t want you. There will be men who think you are the most amazing goddess ever and men who wouldn’t spare you a second glance. So much of our insecurity is created by our culture who says we MUST look a certain way, or it’s created from early experiences as we’re becoming women. But beauty is very subjective, obviously.

I’ve struggled with insecurity my entire life. Yet I can attest to the above quote, personally. I’ve had men who practically drooled every time they looked at me and men who thought I was so-so. Does any of this really have anything to do with me? Sure, I can do things to increase or decrease my attractiveness, but in the end, some men will find me beautiful and some men won’t.

So, ladies…this weekend as you head into dates or out on the town, lift your heads up high. Know that you are beautiful. Because waiting for a man/men to validate your appearance is going to be luck of the draw. Validate yourself.

Know that I’ll be working on doing the same. I am a luscious peach. The haters can just move along to the bananas! 🙂

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