Sex and the Single Soccer Mom

““Sincere forgiveness isn’t colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don’t worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time.”

This is a lesson that I need to work on. Sometimes people will never truly understand what you think or feel, either because of willful refusal or the lack of perspective needed for them to “get” it. I wish that we could all be willing to do the necessary work to understand one another, despite our differences. Everyone is in a different place; Sometimes that isn’t going to happen. My strength and my weakness is my desire to do the work in a relationship, to hold onto something that I thought was precious, to be willing to go further than halfway for love and connection. It IS a strength…but it can definitely be a weakness. Sometimes letting go is the wisest course of action. It never feels like it to me; I tend to stand and shake a fist at heaven and refuse to give up, despite the odds. I’m not quite a Pollyanna, but I do want to believe that people are not intentionally being hurtful or manipulative. I want to believe that they are struggling with issues, just like I am, that keeps their better self from emerging. For self-protection, sometimes you have to walk away, even if you believe that the person has merit and beauty inside them.

I’ve never encountered a painful situation that didn’t teach me something. It IS true that when one door closes, another opens. You just have to be looking for it. I see doors all around me and I know that opportunity is just outside: For love, for friendship, for connection and the chance to grow as a human being.

Tonight, I sat and wept, from anger and hurt and frustration. I realized it is the first time that I’ve really broken down since last week. I feel calmer now, as though something inside has broken free. In the last couple of weeks, I’ve made new friendships. I’m being courted by the quirky and attractive artist and told that he is “smitten”. I’m letting go.  A door WILL open and I want to be ready to see what’s on the other side.

Part of me thinks this would be an easy $50. The other part of me thinks: “Sure…you just want me to LOOK at your penis.” Still, it is one of the more amusing ones that I’ve read!

A friend of mine and I have been having a long-standing argument about whose penis is larger. We’ve tried having our girlfriends confirm to the other the exact size, but neither one of us buy it. I don’t want to see his penis and he doesn’t want to see mine. I don’t want my girlfriend looking at his penis and he doesn’t was his looking at mine.

So… We just need a girl to look at both of our penises (individually) and then to both of our faces say which one is bigger. We can’t pay much. $50?

I can’t take the credit for this, but I found it too amusing (and true) to not share:

m4m = I totally want to do anything that has the word “fuck” in it.

m4w, w4m = I want to fuck you but I’ll do dinner first if you want.

strictly platonic = I want to fuck you but let’s talk about something first.

casual encounter = I want to fuck you and not have to pay much attention.

missed connections = I want to fuck you and I hope you saw me standing ten feet away from you with a bunch of other people and you wanted to fuck me too and you just happen to be looking in CL and reading this right now and still want to fuck me.

rant and rave = fuck you.

For today’s winner of the day personal ad:

“hey wats uph my name is daniel im 22 years old & looking for a real nice person to be wit for looooooooooong time i dont plays game so just plz dont spend my time wit ur game just plays wit some one als ,im like 5’9 weight 165 i got green eyes black sort hear cut ,i have nice car BMW 2004 real nice job i live life bay my self will ,i like to go to clubs partys and all tha kinda staff when i got free time ,i us to live wit my EX girlF bat we not liven together anymore cuz she move back to mexico thas sad bat i still got some fillins for here ,,will what als u wanna knw abaut me just cantact wit me i live u my number ***-***-**** think befor u call me or text me ok and i want ur pic to cuz who knw how u look like lol
fat girl plz dont bather me thanks
i add my pic pic of my car and my EX girlF pic to
my pic its first one and last one.”

He did, indeed, have pictures of his car and his very hot girlfriend posted on the ad, alongside his. A very, very odd way to try to meet new women…

I’ve come across this ad several times, on multiple dating sites. Read it carefully or you might miss what he’s REALLY looking for (sarcasm intended).

I’m not Brad Pitt, but you know what they say about men with big ears. And for my next joke…!

‘Describe yourself.’ Don’t know about you but this is like trying to sketch the Grand Canyon on a Post-It note with a 12-inch paint roller.

The Question. Why am I here? B/c I refuse to play the Dating Game, an unwritten code of rote dialogue and behavior which most people know and blindly obey. A manchild tells a woman exactly what she wants to hear and six months later she racks her brain wondering why he’s ‘changed’. I don’t want to sleep alone, but I will have my self-respect. And coffee. Can’t forget that.

By age 35, you can traverse the adult dating universe and stop at every planet along the way. You become so independent and self-aware it’s medically abnormal. You know what you can and can’t give, what you will and won’t put up with, and you know EXACTLY what you want, don’t want and everything else is bullsh- cough! I’ve had lots of time to think and wean myself off things that some people can’t take a pi$$ without. I don’t need three hours of coffee and smalltalk to figure out who I am or what I want. At this point the only things I can’t do to or for myself are kiss, cuddle and fu-cough! I’m happy to meet your needs – provided I meet mine, too. We’re ALL human.

On that note, I completely understand women’s feelings about sex. To delay something so pleasureable and easy to obtain makes perfect sense to me. And now for the second-biggest lie I’ve ever told in my life…

A fit or youthful single Mom or 40-50ish woman is sexier than ANY 20 y. o.. Period. I would elaborate here but a paragraph that long would crash the server.

I am a calm, focused person raised by strong, dynamic women in an ultra-authentic environment. Zero BS Past This Point. Nothing fake, nothing forced. No bragging, begging, manipulating,, small talk, chest-pounding, competing, drama or fighting. This bores and perplexes some people and downright irritates a few more. That’s Ok. They’ll live.

I’m a man, not a woman. I don’t act, talk, or think like a woman. If you want a man that does, go to a drag show.

I’m not bubbly, smooth, prim, proper, or polished. There are farm animals more domesticated than me. I go to parties to raid the kitchen. Wake me up when it’s over.

I’ve never talked much. Everything is what it is. Why discuss it? Besides, that’s your job. Bada bing.

Meet the quintessential health nut. Weights, running, vitamins, sea salt, moisturizers and LOTS of stretching; I don’t want to be crippled when I get older. But reach for my bourbon or chocolate and you’ll pull back a stump.

Life’s short, we all have agendas and only birds of a feather flock together. I’m not here for a pen pal, beauty queen, drinkin’ buddy, Sugar Momma, shrink, life coach, or Mary Kay rep. Me man, you woman, and we’re not in 6th grade anymore. I don’t care what’s in your IPOD. Last time I checked it’s about treatment… affection… chemistry… hormones… affection… love languages… hormones… affection… affection… I dunno.

I figure we’re all looking for the same things, just in a different order and proportion. I seek a woman for what only a woman can provide: chemistry, company, and affection. Wise, humble, good-humored and warm-blooded.

Here’s what’s in it for you: Honest and direct conversation; free yard work and home repair; sincere compliments; laughing; listening; teasing; hopping and skipping; hand-holding, hugging, kissing, massaging, petting and cuddling. If that turns you on, yippee skippy. If not… I can also make that popping sound with my mouth and thumb.

The first time that I came across this ad, it was toned down a bit and I answered it. What was I thinking? Perhaps here is a diamond in the rough. His pictures were cute and I was intrigued. At the very least I wanted to find out more of what he was looking for. Here are some excerpts from our email conversation:

“Might sound like TMI here but you will thank me later. In the last 16 years I’ve been with some great women from two days to two years and treated each one better than my Mother. Nevertheless, being on your own that long, your needs simplify so much, they don’t even require an actual date. Once you learn to enjoy the peace of your own company, no companion on Earth is worth any drama they bring into your life. On Fantasy Island, I’d have someone to crawl in bed with about 5 a.m. to scratch that morning itch and be done with it. Back on Earth, I would take this person to movies, introduce to friends and family, cuddle on the couch at night and so on.

Okay, we’ve established that he will only be doing something OTHER than scratching an itch because it is not socially acceptable on “earth” to do otherwise.

“I move fast. No man ever went to a date to talk and shake hands goodnight. If that is your agenda, no problem at all. We’ll part now on good terms. You sound wonderful but I’m a heterosexual, hot-blooded man, you’re an attractive woman, and I’ve had a zillion conversations in my life. You do the math. 🙂 No expectations or pressure. I would still enjoy your company. But we all have priorities.”

In other words, put out on the first date or I’m not really interested.

“There’s nothing that you want that I or any other person doesn’t also want. We’re not that different. Granted, there are some drama-free people in the world. Otherwise, every relationship  eventually yields some dynamic of hostilty, negativity, or general unpleasantness that tests your desire or will to stay in it. Whereas some people will tolerate that for the sake of staying together or avoiding a breakup, I won’t. I would rather be alone. I’m used to it and I’ve realized some legitimate peace and happiness with this lifestyle. You still have lonely moments I’m a happy person even being alone so if being with you isn’t better than that, I have no incentive to be…As long as things between us are happy and healthy, there is little I won’t do to serve and please you. But the minute it gets nasty, I’d just soon hit the road.”

It’s nice that he volunteered the belief that every relationship will have negativity (which is true) and that he’s not willing to tolerate it.  As well as the up-front knowledge that he will hit the road if there are problems. Before the first date is ALWAYS the time to get that certainty of abandonment issue cleared up.

After expressing to this man with the capacity for brutal honesty that I didn’t feel I could put out on the first date AND guarantee that there would never a be a problem, so I was passing on going out with him, his only response was: “Ta-ta”.

I can’t help but wonder how many women answer his ads, or even more, how many women actually go out with him once they do. There is a curious part of me that wants to do out with him, just to see if he has redeeming qualities. Still, I’ll never give in to that urge. I’ve been on enough bad dates by now to know that when there are this many ridiculous crimson (because red seems too tame) flags waving during email conversations, it is often better to run as far as possible.

Considering I have seen this ad posted and reposted, I think Mr. Blunt may have a hard time finding a woman who meets his criteria…

Rather than choose only one personals ad, I have found several. For your reading pleasure…

“I just happened to be walking my dog in the Hurstbourne Lane area when I looked up at an apartment building and you were standing at your window topless, perfect as a figure cut out of a painting, your breasts so firm and yet plump in a way that suggested you would yield to the right touch. I went home and listened to classical music for an hour, trying desperately to recreate that feeling I had when I saw your breasts in the window, that transcendent serenity one feels only in the presence of art. When the music didn’t work, I baked a cobbler – apple, my grandmother’s most prized recipe – and sat on the floor of my living room, eating it with my hands, savoring not only the taste, but the warmth of the filling, and the just-right flakiness of the outside. I could’ve been in the remotest land on Earth, untouched by civilization – my perception felt that pure. All afternoon I’ve been floating inside; those breasts were a minor miracle in the midst of this gray, cold week. Thank you.”

Wow! That must have been some pair of breasts! Have you ever seen the movie “Sideways”? Well, I have a feeling he could have been the lead role…

“ME: A guy coming home to find you asleep in my bed.

YOU: Stunningly attractive blonde slightly undressed.

ME: Strangely bemused, but too tired and distracted by other women in my head to care.

YOU: Gone this morning when I woke up.

ME: Trying to determine from roommates who you were, but they have no clue (they really aren’t too conscious right now and think I am lying).

If you attended what must have been a great party last night (I can tell from the mess) and slept in some guys bed then please poke me back, I have some things here that might be yours. Also, let me know if you will be back tonight and I will change the sheets.

Finally, thank you for not taking my side of the bed, THAT would have been awkward”

Why does it not surprise me that this man is completely open to having a nameless stranger, that he’s not even really spoken with, reappear in his bed? At least he’s willing to change the sheets…

“Hey,
I’m looking for a special kind of lady for a long lasting friendship and relationship.
I’ll warn you now this isn’t for everyone so if your offended by sex please don’t read any further. I am looking for a fellow deviant a perverted soulmate.
I am a 30 somthing male looking for a woman with like taste kinks and fetishes. I love sex and I need someone with a voracious appetite as well as to total lack of inhibitions.
My tastes are different I love a woman who dresses up who plays the role of hooker or slut to the tee be open to anything any place and anyone cause I’m a voyeur and I love a show off.
Nothing is taboo to me other then pain. If you have ever wanted to have someone who wouldn’t judge you for having sex with strangers or didn’t look down on your desire to be a sex slave or if you have interest in beastiality bondage leather latex or total submission then message me it only bite when we meet lol. I’m a raging perv but I have a sence of humor about it.”

Dude! If you’re actually going to advertise for a woman that is into bestiality, at least learn how to spell it! Being a raging perv will only get you so far in life. Spelling, however, will get you everywhere…:-)
 

So, L is now deleted from all my social media accounts. I drove by his house and placed the movie he’d loaned me, sealed in a ziploc bag (to protect it from moisture) in his mailbox. I have not phoned, emailed or texted him. I was told by a friend that I was being “incredibly reasonable” and that he “got off light”, because I haven’t made a scene. To which I could easily reply: “What’s the point? Will it make him be a grown-up? Will he suddenly know that he wants to profess his love for me if I yell at him? Even if he did, would it suddenly make us compatible?” It is pointless…

Still, there is a big part of me right now that just wants to be the psycho. I want to scream and yell and cry and hit. I want to destroy his personal property. I want to tell him that he was an asshole and that he will, someday, regret casually throwing away someone who bent over backwards to love him. It doesn’t come along every day, afterall.

Then I’m reminded of a forbidden movie that I watched when I was younger. My parents had rented “Fatal Attraction”, a very R rated film that was off limits for me. Of course, when they left for work, I immediately flew to the VCR to find out what was so bad that I wasn’t supposed to watch it.  The sex scenes were, to my 15 year old virgin eyes, shocking and fascinating. However, what was also fascinating to me was the interplay between the male and female character. Married man, out to have some no-strings-attached fun, hooks up with someone who isn’t ready to go away quietly. Glenn Close was phenomenal in the role of the unbalanced woman who won’t take “Sorry, but it really didn’t mean anything” lightly. I can remember thinking that the man got a lot of what he deserved and maybe not quite as much as he should have. In the end, of course, it was the jilted, wronged, psycho bitch who gets drowned in the bathtub. It was a profound lesson (for at least a few years) for married men all over the country. It was also a profound lesson for a 15 year old girl in the double standards that exist between the sexes.

Another favorite film, Vanilla Sky, also has a line that I love. The character played by Cameron Diaz in the film, after being blown off after a night of “friends with benefits” sex, says, “When you sleep with someone, your body makes a promise, whether you do or not!”  Scientifically, it can be proven that hormones are released in the body during sex that cause attachment to form. Do we really need to wonder why we often feel confused after one night stands, trying to do the ridiculous friends with benefits role, or trying to be fuck buddies? Women are wired differently for sex. Yes, times have changed and women are trying to be as nonchalant and casual about sex as men. I’ve dipped my toe in that pool too. A few years of “sexual liberation” can’t erase centuries of programming and bio-chemical wiring.

So, do I really want to go psycho and pour out my rage and grief and boil his bunny (or dog, in this case)? Absolutely. Except for the dog boiling part; I was rather partial to that dog. The wounded part of me that feels angry and hurt absolutely wants to make him feel…something! I want him to not be so casual that he can make “Best of luck to you too” his last words to me. Most of me, though, just wishes it hadn’t come to this. Most of me wishes that we could hold each other and part as friends. A lot of me misses him and would love to erase the negativity. I just don’t know how. I am hurt and angry. He seems indifferent and doesn’t get it. We were never only friends.

What I truly wish is that I had stuck to my decision the end of last May. We had a good ending that neither of us stuck to. Now there is hurt and anger and bitterness, on my side at least. I have no idea, truly, what he is feeling. I can make guesses, based on history. Will they be right? Who knows? I simply know that I have so many good memories, that are now colored by the ugly way we parted. Yet if I erase the last 7 months, I would be erasing so much I learned about myself and so many beautiful moments. Sitting on patios in the summer, drinking and talking…getting ice cream and watching the sun set over the river…sitting in the jacuzzi tub at a B&B talking and holding each other…listening to him breathe at night while he slept with his arms around me. I suppose that I’ll have to, like every other relationship in my past, try to integrate the beautiful and the painful until it makes sense. I would love to have not lost the bond, which we had despite his protests. Yet a bond only works if both people want it.

So, in the end, I will be calm and not cause a scene. I will do nothing except quietly try to make better choices for myself. I will work on letting L go and try to do it with grace and love. I will work harder on wishing him happiness and to find some sense of direction and peace.

Tomorrow night I have reserved for me. I have been out until bedtime every single night since I ended things. I’ve not had time to process. Tomorrow night I am allowing myself the night to wallow. I will grieve and cry if I need to. I will play sad music and curl up on the couch and think of the times we spent together and what I will miss. I will drink wine, probably too much, and possibly write bad poetry. Tomorrow night is the night for grieving.

Then I am done. I’m sure I will still have grief and sadness. However, I refuse to allow myself to waste more time over this. I’ve spent months not really caring if I met someone else, because I was in love with L. Yet I have so much love to give, I’m really good at loving people and I have a hell of a package to offer the right man. I’ve accepted a second date with a sexy, quirky artist. I have dates with wonderful and connected friends to look forward to, friends who understand me and can value the friendship. I have a family that is incredible and two little girls who look to me to be their anchor and safety. Life is good, even with the pain that comes along with living life and taking risks.

Today’s ad winner makes me question if this is actually a sincere posting. Is someone amusing themselves to see who would answer this ad? If not, I feel truly frightened…

“Wad uph girl are u looking for some one to be wit for long time & have thos speshel times wit tha real person , im like 5’9 weght 165, i got brown eyes short black hear i dres nice & i have nice black BMW M3 livin bay my self and looking for same one who cen live to me and work wit me im a track driver so im not bean home alot so thats what kinda person im if u interesting just give me a call ( five zero two) for n9n for -two tree for 8th
interesting only GIRLS AND FEMAILS nO GAME i dont have time for tha !!!!!”

I’m sincerely hoping this is someone looking for a good laugh…

Today’s online dating ad Winner of the Day:

“What up my name is jerry i am looking some to talk with and git to i like moves and going out have good time and stay home work a lot want some more in my life so if like git no me and i am real man ok thank you.”

It’s up to each reader to decide for themselves what this actually means…

I met L in very early spring of last year. I was browsing the personals, primarily for amusement. He had an ad posted for someone to keep him from being bored at work. It was the first time I had ever answered, yet his post seemed fairly non-threatening. We began to exchange clever, witty emails back and forth the entire day. By that evening, he sent me a picture. I was unprepared to have him be cute! The next day the emails continued, except he chose to up the ante by inviting me to have a drink. I readily accepted. I hadn’t been this excited to meet someone in quite awhile.

We met at a local restaurant. I thought he was quietly attractive and maybe just a tad bit socially awkward. He later professed that he thought I was “beautiful”. We had great conversation that was incredibly flirty. At the end of the date, he walked me to my car. Once there, he put his fingers on his lips to silence me, then proceeded to tell me that this was the best first date he’d ever been on.He kissed me on the cheek;  I left, smiling and incredibly interested.

The next date was fantastic as well. A lame movie, great conversation and a goodnight kiss at the end of it. By the third date, he told me that he didn’t intend to see anyone else. And I…still healing, still somewhat hurting from my last relationship, felt over the moon. I immediately canceled my online dating subscription and canceled future dates that I had planned.

The first two months were incredible. They were fun and romantic and flirty and sexual. There were things that surfaced that, frankly, concerned me. Still, everyone has flaws, right? An issue with an ex-lover that he was still hanging out with, some obvious differences in values, some intimacy issue. Overall, everything was very good. Then we hit the third month. Suddenly, the romantic and sweet man that I had believed myself to be dating seemed to be changing. Often withdrawn and non-communicative, then suddenly argumentative and aggressive, I never knew which man I would be spending the evening with. Would it be the man who brought me tulips on our fourth date and cooked me spaghetti? The man who put his arm across me protectively when he had to hit is brakes in the car? The man who touched me so tenderly and held me all night long afterwards? Or would it be the man who seemed to get angry over the smallest things, refused to communicate without anger and seemed to be able to shut me out so easily? Would it be the man who could come off as elitist about the strangest things and talked down to me like I was a child? I began to feel like I was dating Jekyl and Hyde, never knowing who would show up. I felt like I was walking on clouds the first two months, because I was convinced that he was “the one”. The final month, I felt like I was walking on eggshells because I never knew what I would say or do that would bring out the withdrawn, surly, uncommunicative man that I was seeing emerge more and more.

I started to dread our last few dates. So I did what I felt I had to do: I ended the relationship. He asked if we could still be friends and I expressed doubts, but said that I would see. We ended things on a Friday, then decided to go out as “friends” the following Wednesday. It went so well that he left my house Thursday morning. Clearly, the relationship wasn’t done.

Since then, we’ve been through several stages of friends, lovers and a combination of the two. It ended in tears and fury a couple of times. A period of three weeks went by when I vowed that I was done with him forever. Then he messaged me, I messaged him…suddenly things were on again.

However, L had decided that his true path for this stage in his life was to be single (although, of course, single certainly didn’t mean celibate!). So he let me know, whenever we started to get too “intimate”, that he was not available for a committed relationship. It’s just not what he wanted. I grew more confused as time went on. I knew that I had fallen in love with him, yet also knew that we really weren’t suited. Yet the thought of giving up the relationship was too much. So I tried to fit my needs around his needs. I tried to be open. Several times when he thought I was being too clingy, he would say that perhaps we shoudn’t see each other anymore, because he didn’t think I could handle it. Well…I’ll show him, I would think. Of course I can handle it. You don’t want to be committed to me? Fine…I’m not looking to get married. You want to see other women? No problem. I can handle lack of monogamy as long as you show me you care about me.

Of course, he would ignore texts and emails from me if he was either seeking out other women or with other women. He would make small comments here and there that cut through me like a knife, that were almost nonchalantly cruel. I sometimes almost felt like he was trying to send me a subtle message that I wasn’t important to him at all. Just as my hurt grew and I would begin to be ready to completely walk away, he would do an about face. Suddenly he would be insightful and romantic and caring. He would spend the night and hold me until morning. The emotional reinforcement would be just enough to make me determined to make it work. Somehow.

Then, suddenly and without warning, he decides he doesn’t want to be intimate anymore. No explanation other than “it’s just what I need right now.” That lasts for a few weeks. He finally tells me that he had been seeing someone who demanded that he be sexually monogamous, so he didn’t feel it was “fair” to me or to her for him to be sleeping with both of us. In my love blindness, I even manage to tell myself that he is trying to be considerate to me, never considering that he threw me over for some random chick he was dating and didn’t even necessarily plan to stay with.

Somehow we get past it. I go to his annual Christmas party and meet his friends; he is tender and protective of me and I spend the night. Intimacy is re-established. Christmas comes and we have a wonderful night together. He buys me an incredibly thoughtful and touching gift and spends the night again. Then the cycle starts over. I text him for a movie, he’s busy. I ask if he wants to go out later in the week and I get no response. I ask him later if he was on a date. I’m told he is pleading the fifth. So I simply say that even if he is on a date, it would be nice if he would respond briefly so that I don’t feel he is completely ignoring me. His reply: Perhaps the date didn’t end until morning. At this point I quietly make the decision to myself that I am done sleeping with him. I will no longer be physically or emotionally compromised. Still, he had been my friend and my lover for nine months. I’m still naively thinking we can salvage some friendship out of this.

Then he has a significant personal event in his life. I send him texts and call him, to offer support. He mentions that he would like to get a drink later in the week. I tell him my week is full, but that I would like that. When I have an evening unexpectedly free, I text him to see if he is busy. “I could maybe do dinner.” I respond to let him know if he is too busy that it can wait. Zero response…

I realize that something has to change. I have allowed myself to become the toy on the shelf, that L takes down at his whim. I am the supportive and caring lover who is there inbetween the dating and the fuck buddies. Despite his assertions of caring for me (as well as the actions that sometimes lead me to believe he does), he has stopped consistently treating me with courtesy and respect. I feel sick to my stomach with not knowing what to do. I can’t possibly continue, yet I don’t want to burn the bridge. I keep waiting for him to give me a sign that he is not someone that I need to remove from my life in order to be healthy.

Today, after some words exchanged after days of not hearing from him, he lets me know that he is seeing someone. She is “jealous” of me and doesn’t believe that we could truly just be going out as friends. I ask if they are exclusive (a status he claims to be avoiding) and he says he doesn’t really know. On top of all the angst that has filled me about L for months now, several things occur to me very vividly. 1.) The woman he is seeing absolutely has every reason to be jealous, because L and I are not, nor have ever been, simply friends. He is more than likely saying what needs to be said in order to appease her, even if it is not quite the truth. In fact, it sounds vaguely familiar; I recall having similiar fears about an ex-lover that he was “just friends” with early on. 2.) There is no possible way that L can be completely honest with me or any of the other women he’s involved with. He doesn’t have a clue what the hell he wants or is doing in life. Life is one big frat party, with plenty of beer and plenty of women who will say “yes”. Why worry about consequences to people emotionally? Afterall…he isn’t promising forever! Of course, I feel 100% certain he isn’t disclosing that on the first date. 3.) This latest disclosure left me with zero trust in him. It had been building for months, but this was the final straw. I felt lied to about what he wanted and what he was willing to give. I had no illusions that this woman would be “the one” for him and he would stay with her. I simply knew that he was willing to tell me he needed “space”, so that he could continue to see/sleep with her for as long as he desired. I also knew that once it ended with her, he’d be more than happy to hang out with/sleep with me again…until the next woman came along.

I realized that I was done. Done being the person who did most of the communicating and the person making most of the effort. I was done being treated like a valued friend and lover one night, then an inconvenient toy that he ignored so that it didn’t threaten his “game” the next. I was done with the knot in my stomach from never knowing what he wanted me to be from one moment to another, the constant back and forth, wishy-washy games. So I ended things and told him not to email me. This time, there will be no going back.

Once, it became somewhat of a joke between us about a male friend of mine, who upon my describing the situation that I had with L, let me know that he would be open to the same deal. I said, “Yeah, he let me know that he wanted the deal that you have”. He replied with a laugh, “Did you tell him it’s called The “L” Deal for a reason?”

Of course, I realized that it truly was the “L” Deal for a reason. I was allowing my wants and needs to be compromised and mainly unmet, to hold onto a man that I had fallen in love with. I offered myself heart, mind and body and was met with someone who could barely be bothered to treat me with consistent courtesy and caring. I allowed a man who is stumbling along blindly through life, trampling on other people’s feelings, to trample all over mine just so I wouldn’t have to say goodbye. There won’t be any more “L’ Deals. I deserve better and I will wait for better.

I say “I allowed” because I hold myself accountable. I’m angry with him and I’m so deeply hurt, but I am a grown woman and I stayed, when I should have bowed out long ago. He’s not a bad man, simply thoughtless and selfish right now. Maybe one day he’ll grow out of it and maybe he won’t. It’s not my problem anymore. In a few days…weeks…months, this knot in my stomach and pain in my heart will fade completely. Perhaps then it will simply be bittersweet and I can remember the good times, of which there were many.

I despise burning bridges…but I don’t know any other way; I need to heal. I will miss my lover. I will miss my friend. Yet I’ve learned in all of this that I have to love myself at least as much as I love other people. I can never allow myself to settle for the “L” Deal again. Thus, a 10 month, fiery and tempestuous relationship comes to a close.

I think I’ll close with some song lyrics that I found today, by a pop artist that I am fairly unfamiliar with. Still, something clicked inside me today when I heard the song.

“Hot and Cold” ~ Katy Perry

You change your mind/like a girl changes clothes

Yeah, you PMS/Like a bitch, I would know

And you overthink/Always speak, cryptically

I should know/that you’re no good for me

Cause you’re hot then you’re cold

 You’re yes then you’re no

You’re in and you’re out

You’re up and you’re down

You’re wrong when it’s right

 It’s black and it’s white

 We fight, we break up

 We kiss, we make up

 You! You don’t really want to stay, no

You! But you don’t really want to go-oh

You’re hot then you’re cold

You’re yes then you’re no

You’re in and you’re out

 You’re up and you’re down

 We used to be/ Just like twins, So in sync

 The same energy/ Now’s a dead battery

 Used to laugh/ Bout nothing

 Now your plain /Boring

 I should know/you’re not gonna change 

 Cause you’re hot then you’re cold

 You’re yes then you’re no

 You’re in and you’re out

You’re up and you’re down

You’re wrong when it’s right

 It’s black and it’s white

We fight, we break up

We kiss, we make up

You! You don’t really want to stay, no

You! But you don’t really want to go