Introversion In A World of Internet Dating

Posted in Dating, introversion, online dating with tags , , on February 20, 2013 by sexandthesinglesoccermom

I’m an introvert. There’s simply no way of getting around it. Every personality test (tried-and-true INFJ, thank you very much!), every questionnaire and all my history has proven it out. I’m not extreme, but my basic personality definitely leans toward introversion. I often find though, that people really don’t get what an introvert is.

Here’s what I’m not: Shy. Uncomfortable in social situations. Socially awkward. A people-hater. Anti-social.

Yet invariably, when I say I’m an introvert, I get the responses like: “But you don’t seem shy!” “You seem really good with people!”

Yup. I’m not shy and I am good with people. I’m actually really great with people, just in a different way than extraverts are.

This is a short and sweet definition of introversion that I came across: “Introverts tend to be more quiet, reserved and introspective. Unlike extraverts who gain energy from social interaction, introverts have to expend energy in social situations. After attending a party or spending time in a large group of people, introverts often feel a need to “recharge” by spending a period of time alone.”

For a more detailed description: Introversion

In a world where extraversion is the ideal, where introspection and quietness are not prized and rarely found, I have often found myself feeling very misunderstood and different. Even attempting to find a description of introversion was difficult, because the myths abounded online.

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Being an introvert for me means this: I like people. However, I need solitude to recharge. I prefer to be with one or two people at a time, rather than a large group. If I look intense or far away, it’s not because I am aloof or mad. I am thinking…you know that thing you do inside your head where you create ideas, analyze situations and figure out your feelings? Yup, I do it. A lot. I don’t really want to engage in mindless chatter about fashion, manicures or trivial banalities. When I talk, I prefer it be about ideas, emotions and something with meaning. This means that while people almost always like me, they aren’t always comfortable around me. I am not the superficial, glossy mixer at a party. I’m not the person with a hundred friends, who flits like a butterfly from person to person. I sometimes feel like a quiet island in the middle of a boisterous ocean at parties. I don’t mind going to the occasional party and will even have fun, but afterwards I want to go and hermit myself in my home for a day or two. I can’t live without people and I WILL get lonely if alone for too long, but many nights I am very content being by myself.

Introversion 3

How does this intersect with dating, especially online dating? Not incredibly well, as you might imagine. Last week I had two dates; I turned down five others. Everyone wants to have my phone number and thinks it is perfectly okay to text me randomly throughout the day, with an ongoing dialogue. I REALLY hate that. This week I am having dinner with a friend, then I have a date this weekend. Interspersed with that will be time spent with family. I’ve already pushed a couple of people off until next week, because I absolutely know I MUST BE ALONE. At least one night this week I need complete solitude.

With internet dating it’s not like meeting someone in your day-to-day life. There are usually several men who are interested in meeting me. Even attempting to weed out anyone I think wouldn’t be compatible with me, this leaves more men than I know what to do with! So let’s say I go out with a man and we decide we want to have a second date. Well, it’s too early to exclusively date, so I accept a date with someone else for later on in the week. This sort of thing can quickly snowball. I simply can’t juggle multiple people, yet telling an interested man: “I’m sorry, I’m all booked up for the next three weeks” is the kiss of death. How does an introvert juggle dating several men at once, while respecting the need to recharge with solitude? Constantly hiding and unhiding my profile to calm things down gets tedious and confusing to anyone who has emailed me.

This issue of time management is my biggest problem with online dating sites. If I don’t carefully guard my time, I could end up having a date every single night I don’t have my children. Exhausting. Yet I haven’t figured out how to slow down the pace. I know plenty of people who would be thrilled to have a date every single night. For me, I feel like a phone left off my charger too long. Eevntually, I’m going to die. Metaphorically speaking, of course.

So for now, I’m simply trying to manage it all, while still taking care of myself. At one time, I probably would have felt like I had to accept every date that looked promising. Now I think that if they aren’t willing to wait at all, we’re probably not right for each other. So tonight, I’ll go out and have a lovely dinner and some wine, along with great company. Tomorrow night I am going to not answer my phone unless it’s an emergency, ignore emails and stay in all night long. I’ll exercise, walk the dog, do some reading in a hot, bubble bath.

introvert-vs-extrovert

Of course, too many nights like that get lonely and depressing, instead of glorious. Too long without a night like that and I feel stretched thin, to the breaking point. Being introverted is a delicate balance, but with the right ratios, I can shine beautifully. Besides, I never claimed to not be complicated, but I like to believe I’m worth the complication. 🙂

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Valentine’s Day, Smug Marrieds and The Trials of Hand Holding

Posted in Dating, hand holding, Relationships, Valentine's Day on February 19, 2013 by sexandthesinglesoccermom

First of all: Happy Valentine’s Day to anyone who actually cares about a commercial/consumer holiday created for what seems to be the sole purpose of selling stuff and making single people feel bad. Mostly, I couldn’t give a flying fig about the day and have opted to NOT celebrate it even when in a relationship. I chose to spend my Valentine’s with my children, as we’ve begun our own tradition for the day. However, I can confess to feeling a slight twinge. The reasons for which are ridiculous and I blame…

The Smug Marrieds.

Or perhaps I should say the Smug Couples. You know, all the people who are or are in the process of being one half of a couple, married or not. Listening to them coo about their relationship, the cute thing their significant other did for them and enduring the pitying looks are sometimes a bit annoying. Especially when I absolutely know that some of these wonderful relationships also result in a lot of misery and are not as happy as they are often touted to be. To the opposite extreme are the single people who look on marriage as the kiss of death, which is just as annoying. Why the insistence that one extreme is better than the other? To quote an interesting article I just recently read: “Whether or not you have someone to come home to on Valentine’s Day — take heart.  Those smug married people or carefree singles don’t actually have it better— they just want to convince themselves that they do.” To read the full article: Why Married People Are Smug…

Another interesting tidbit: According to the affair site, www.ashleymadison.com, they get more traffic on February 15th than any other day of the year. I wonder why that is? Could it possibly be related to people setting up unrealistic expectations for romance? I’ve known plenty of people who would get completely wrecked if their significant other didn’t wow them on Valentine’s Day. Is that fair?

So…I had my twinge at being single on Valentine’s Day, then went on to celebrate it with my lovely children and enjoy the day. There are beautiful things to be found in being involved with someone you love and there are drawbacks. The same is true of being single. It’s so easy to get a “grass is greener” feeling about one or the other, when the truth is we need to find happiness in whatever state we find ourselves to be in. I’m currently still single. Who knows what I’ll be in three months? I’ve still got some soul-searching and inner work to do, so I do know I’d approach any new relationship slowly and with caution.

I’ve had date #2 with the man who brought me the rose. Locally owned hotspot, a bottle of wine shared, yummy food and good conversation. Will it lead to something more? After two dates, who knows? He has expressed very clear interest in me, so we’ll take it one date at a time. He seems very sincere, has chosen a path in life that underscores his love for others and he has wicked good taste in music.

I accepted a date with another man last weekend. He immediately made it very clear during the conversation that he found me very physically appealing. While it was flattering and nothing he said was inappropriate, he made enough references to my physical charms that I started to feel uncomfortable. He also started to address me as “beautiful” throughout the rest of the evening. Not a good sign. It didn’t help that my snobbery started to emerge as his accent and stories relayed he was from a very different background than me. Yes, I’m ashamed to admit it. However, I might have been willing to overlook many things (afterall, he was reasonably attractive, seemed intelligent and we had decent conversation) until he did something I absolutely cannot tolerate. He insisted on holding my hand.

Now…I know that hand-holding is viewed as old-fashioned. Sweet. Romantic. Still, for me personally, a stranger holding my hand has a very high “ick” factor. For me, hand-holding should be done with someone you know and care deeply for. You hold the hand of your significant other because you love them. You hold the hand of a dear friend who is in emotional distress and needs physical comfort, or someone who is in the hospital or dying. I like to hold the hands of my children. Holding someone’s hand implies intimacy, connection, or caring for a variety of reasons. For a man I’ve never met before that night to try to hold my hand for extended periods of time one hour after meeting me…

*shudder*

All my physical boundaries went on red alert and I began plotting ways to get my hand back without hurting his feelings. So, I continued to let my face freeze into a rictus of a passable smile, then would slowly draw my hand away nonchalantly to take a drink of my beverage. Then I’d cross my hands in my lap. Still, the moment my guard dropped or my hand seemed within grabbing distance, he would swoop in and claim it again. He seemed unable to stop himself from attempting a physical connection with me. It was all I could do to not leap up and scream: “Stop touching me!!”

Not a promising sign. He requested a second date the next day and I politely put him off due to previous obligations. However, after numerous “Thinking about you, beautiful” texts were received, it let me know I had to act. So I sent him a polite “thank you for the evening” email, then let him know I didn’t think I felt enough romantic connection for a second date. He took it like a gentleman and wished me well.

My philosophy lately is: Why waste my time? I’m being much more scrupulous about who I accept dates with and who I give a second date to. I’m done being nice. Afterall, when it comes to dating, being nice hasn’t really gotten me anywhere. I want to find someone to share my life with one day, but I’m not desperate enough for a relationship to jump into one that isn’t right for me.

The bottom line is this: If I simply wanted someone to share Valentine’s Day with, I could find that easily enough. If being married was my only goal, I could be remarried. While my expectations aren’t unreasonable, I do have them. I’ll even admit that perhaps my expectations are different than those of others. There are so many perks to being with someone you love and who “gets” you and so many cons to being with someone who doesn’t. Until I find that person, I’ll stay single. I’ll celebrate Valentine’s Day with my children.

One day I’ll meet a man who understands why I think hand-holding should only happen after we have affection and connection between us. When I do, holding his hand WILL be about romance and affection and love. Afterall, what says connection, without sexual intimacy, more than a entertwining your hands with your beloved? 🙂

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Back In The Saddle Again, So To Speak

Posted in Dating, friendship, Relationships on February 12, 2013 by sexandthesinglesoccermom

So, I’m dating again.

Yes, it’s two months before my 6 month challenge. Yet I have what I consider very valid reasons…

I’ve had an interesting and different life in many ways. I grew up in a fundamentalist religion that most people would consider to be a cult. Walking away from that religion meant walking away from an entire lifestyle and identity, as well as almost my entire social life. People that I knew as a child, people that were in my wedding, they will all pass me on the street without even acknowledging me now. I don’t regret the decision to leave the religion, not even a little bit. Still, the reality is that my entire life as I had known it was over. My husband and I tried to cling together, but it was like clinging to driftwood while floating in the open sea after the Titanic went down: Our relationship floated amongst the wreckage and eventually sunk beneath the surface. I was left with a single friend, a wonderful new friend and my immediate family. I’m grateful they’re in my life; it’s more than many people have. Still, I felt the pain of social isolation. There were no childhood friends, no friends from college to call. Besides my family, the one person who had been a constant in my life chose to walk away. I felt very alone.

This point was brought home to me very strongly again a few weeks ago. Part of the reason I’ve dated, why I’ve sought a relationship, is so that I can forge new alliances. Is that a bad reason? Maybe. Yet people seek out romantic connections for many reasons. I don’t feel the need for this person to be my entire world, but having someone to go out to dinner or a concert with would be very welcome. Plus, my confidence took a real beating during 2012. Reminding myself that I’m an attractive partner doesn’t sound too bad.

Therefore, I’ve rejoined the world of internet dating. While I’d love to just meet someone in the course of my day-to-day life, the probability of that is slim. I’m busy, I have a job where the “clients”  and my coworkers are off-limits and I have zero desire to hang out in clubs or bars. Some of my friends are convinced internet dating is like dumpster diving. Of course, they’ve not been in the dating world for over 20 years!

So, I dusted off my profile, put up a new picture and it was just like being back in the saddle. Just like that, I had a date…two dates…three dates. Yes, I’ve noticed that internet dating in this city is like swimming in a very tiny fishbowl. The same faces keep floating around and I’ve already “bumped” into several men I’ve already dated. That is simply one of the cons. Another unique feature to internet dating is that people feel much more free. One man with whom I exchanged several emails finally sent the dreaded: “So…can I ask you some naughty questions?” Uhm…no. Another man wanted to know if I liked porn and if we could discuss my sexual preferences. Upon asking if he would feel comfortable using that approach if he met me in a restaurant, he hedged with: “It would depend.”

I’m curious if it would “depend” on whether or not I was a call girl! I try to look at this aspect of internet dating as a pro: It’s a quick and easy way to weed people out. I also continually remind myself that the men on the internet dating sites are only a small representation of the men in this city. It’s easy to get tunnel vision.

Still, I’ve had one date with a very sweet and cute guy who brought me a rose on our first date. He called me within hours of the first date to ask me out again and has been attentive and interested since then. I have a couple of other people I may say “yes” to.

Putting on some cute clothes and going out to some trendy little hotspot, enjoying adult conversation and flirting…well, I just can’t see much of a downside to any of that. So, here’s to getting back on the horse…

Giddyup!

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Putting The Funky in February

Posted in Uncategorized on February 4, 2013 by sexandthesinglesoccermom

I’ve spent the last week in the bed and not for reasons anyone would consider even remotely pleasurable. I was struck down by the flu and let me tell you, it’s not an experience I ever want to repeat. Ever. I’ve erroneously referred to prior bouts of illness as “flu” and now I know my mistake. THIS was the flu in all it’s glory and I will never mistake a measly sore throat/fever/stuffy head for the same thing again.

I will be back to blogging in no time, but for now, I hope that all of my readers have started their February with a bit more oomph than I.

Stay well. Stay warm. Stay tuned!

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My Hair Color Path To True Love

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , on January 24, 2013 by sexandthesinglesoccermom

Okay…this a frivolous and somewhat superficial ramble, so bear with me…

I was a born a blonde. Over the years I’ve experimented with other colors, but my favorite “alter-ego” color by far has been red. For the last 3-4 years I’ve been a redhead and loved it. Not because I didn’t like my natural color; actually, I’ve always really loved my real hair. I just really, really like red hair and it looks good on me.

The last few months though, I’ve been thinking about being a blonde again. Then I realized whenever I dream, I’m always a blonde in the dream. So, I decided to take the plunge and go back to my “roots” so to speak…or at least as close as my stylist could get. On a Friday I spent four hours in the salon chair and emerged looking quite different. It might not be the exact same shade as my totally uncolored hair, but it’s really close. I was thrilled.

Then, during my meditation one evening, a funny thought came to me. The thought was: “Now I’m ready to meet my life partner.” It took me aback a little bit, but as I started to play the thought out and try to figure out where it came from, some interesting ideas emerged. Whenever I’ve dated someone, I’ve had this tiny insecurity in the back of my mind that wonders how disappointed they’d be if I was no longer a redhead. I know that seems silly AND if a hair color mattered that much to them, they wouldn’t be someone I’d want to be with long-term. Still, it sometimes crept into my mind. I had a similiar thought years ago when I was planning my wedding. I was a redhead then as well, but wanted to get married with my “real” hair. Something about the artifice on a day of taking life-long (or what I assumed would be, at the time) vows felt wrong to me.

Now, barring a tiny bit of cosmetics and the occasional push-up bra (come on, compared to most, that’s not much artifice in today’s world!), I’m pretty damned authentic. Now I won’t have to worry about covering up my blonde roots every six weeks or getting the occasional: “So, are you red ALL over?” question.

So, okay, maybe it’s just a haircolor change. Perhaps it’s a silly thought. Still, I’ll take all the positive affirmation I can get that once I begin to open myself back up to dating more fully, I’ll meet an amazing guy that I click with for more than a few dates…or months…or a couple of years. Who knows?

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Who Is This Crazy Woman? Oh Wait…

Posted in Parenting, PMS, women's bodies with tags on January 23, 2013 by sexandthesinglesoccermom

So, I’m rabidly hormonal. Within the past few days I’ve felt homocidal rage, abject grief, joy and peace. The events of the last few weeks are not helping this situation.

Over the weekend I did my first training hike to prepare for the big May hike; we did 4 miles that went fairly well, except for the dizziness I experienced on the first incline. That could prove problematic! Still, I’m no wimp; I’ll just train harder!

I attended a birthday party thrown by the ex and his new partner. As it was made clear that this was THEIR party and I was only invited (and asked to make the birthday cake) by their good graces, it made for a bit of awkwardness. Mostly, it was fine. When the parents who are my friends asked what the timing/plans were for the party, I replied with a straight face: “I’m sorry, but I’m not sure. You’ll have to ask *****. It’s their party.” Any attempts at coparenting have been rejected by the father of my children with the statement “It’s just not worth it.” Of course, any desire by him to alter his scheduled  nights with our children results in an instant attempt to get me to rearrange my schedule. Apparently, “coparenting” is worth it to him if it involves a night out on the town. It’s only “not worth it” if it only involves his children’s welfare. Otherwise, he simply can’t be bothered. Do I sound bitter? Well…I’m working on my anger issues with him. He provides me with such wonderful challenge to evolve as a person.

My job is currently up-in-the-air. A raise promised to me 9 months ago, then retracted, left me struggling to cope with the financial changes in my life. I have spent the last two years proving myself in a new job role and taking on whatever is asked of me (even if it’s outside the scope of my actual job at times). To see people hired in off the street at only slightly less than I make (and several hired in at more) after 5 years of employment is leaving me resentful and frustrated–especially when I am living paycheck to paycheck. I’m torn, because this job is important to me and I WANT to stay in it. Yet, I also have to provide for my family. I’m trying to meditate on it before I make a decision. I’m definitely in the “see what is out there” stage right now though. It’s a daily stress that I’m battling, wondering if I’ll be having to find a new job soon.

Which brings me around to my original problem: I’m hormonal and crazy right now. Every challenge I’m facing feels harder. I know that in a few days I’ll feel more at peace, but right now I alternately feel like weeping or punching someone. I know I have to go home tonight and train for this hike and I just want to throw myself on the floor and scream: “I don’t wanna!!!” at the top of my lungs (while kicking the floor loudly). I want to go home and lie in a hot bath for about an hour, while sipping wine and reading a good book. Then I want to climb out and have someone waiting to stroke my hair and soothe me and offer comfort. Oh…and bring me ice cream. Or pie. Or brownies. There’s only one time of the month I want sweet stuff and dammit, I want it NOW! Then I want to sit in my chair, with my cozy blanket and watch mind-numbing tv. The thought of NOT being able to do all of those things infuriates me and makes me want to start sobbing at the same time. Instead, I’m going to go and get on my stupid elliptical, with the resistance cranked up. Then I’m going to walk the dog, followed by laundry and housework. Maybe the endorphins will help to negate the crazy swirl of chemicals flowing through my cramp-riddled, aching body. Maybe.

If not…look out world! I’m going to be playing some Death Cab for Cutie and Sarah McLachlan at full volume. I might NOT do laundry. I might even eat sugar! I’m like a woman possessed…all sorts of craziness might ensue. I might stomp around my house or even cry if I feel like it.

Sigh. Even my crazy is too tired to pack much ooomph.

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Pulled Back From The Brink

Posted in Dating, friendship, Relationships with tags on January 11, 2013 by sexandthesinglesoccermom

So, I’m sure it will brighten your Friday to know I’m feeling much better this morning. Last night found me with my finger hovering over my ex-lover’s telephone number, sobbing hysterically, wanting support and a caring voice. It’s particularly ironic to me that he was my first choice, considering some of the issues when we were a couple and our brief stint attempting to be friends. I was in distress and I wanted reassurance, so I suppose it’s not that crazy. I did love him and I think there’s still a good chance that if I said: “I’m desperate and I need you to talk to me” that he’d respond. Fortunately, I sent an SOS to my dear friend and she responded immediately.

Thank you, dear friend, for being there for me last night. Thank you for helping to pull me back from the brink of making a bad decision. Thanks for offering unconditional support. I know I can always count on you to be firmly in MY court, which means a lot. I have some wonderful, loving people in my life who would listen and do their best to support me. They also sometimes feel the need to help me reach a place of enlightenment and understanding during the conversation, which is a wonderful thing at the right time. However, when seething or sobbing, it can sometimes just make me feel worse. So, thank you for listening and affirming, but trusting me enough as a human being to know that I would eventually be able to  “take the high road” without you prompting it. By the end of the conversation my humor was restored, my tears were dried and I was able to sleep.

Romance is wonderful, but true friendship can’t be replaced. Thank you for being my friend, for listening, for bringing me Starbucks unexpectedly just to brighten my day. You are valued and loved and my life would be much emptier without you!

 

friendship 2

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Hopeful Thought For The Day

Posted in Dating, Relationships on January 9, 2013 by sexandthesinglesoccermom

I must admit, I love this song. Unlike so many other songs that are full of heartbreak and longing, I feel like this one  is hopeful. For all of you who are single and longing for love, realize it can be as simple as waiting for the right fit. You never know where you might find love, so be open to all the possibilities!

 

 

 

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Hitting the January Slump

Posted in Dating, Relationships on January 8, 2013 by sexandthesinglesoccermom

So, it’s been nearly 3 months since I became single and made the vow to not seek out dating (aka: Join or participate in any online dating sites). Yes, I realize that between then and now I slept with my ex-lover and prompted full closure to our on-again/off-again relationship. Still, I was very much single during that time. Despite not seeking dates, I still wound up going out with two different people. One I mentioned previously: Player with an ego, a fistful of red flags and a flakiness that made my skin crawl by the end of the second date. The second person I went out with is a sweet, sweet musician whom I met years ago. When he looked into my eyes and sang “Green Eyes” by Coldplay, how could I resist seeing how we would mesh? Especially when he mentioned that he’d wanted the date for 5 years! The evening we spent together was fun, comfortable and friendly; Unfortunately, it didn’t feel romantic. There weren’t sparks or chemistry, just a deep liking and affection. Not a bad date by any means, but not one it would be fair to repeat.

So that leaves me…single in January, the second-most depressing month of the year (the first being February). It’s cold, dreary and screams out for someone to cuddle with under a blanket. A person to have deep conversation with over a glass of wine or beside a crackling fire. Oh…and sex. Yes, January makes me wish I had someone to generate some heat with!

Suddenly, the good qualities of all my ex’s start to pop into my brain and I find myself mulling over the things I miss about them. Loneliness and the tendency to forgive and try to see the positive is a dangerous combination! It doesn’t help that I genuninely liked so many things about most of my ex’s, despite the ways in which our relationship didn’t work or my residual anger at them over specific things. Still, I didn’t really stay friends with any of them (the recent attempt at being “friends” with someone I was previously in a romantic relationship with was a disaster on multiple levels). So, contacting them is not an option.

Besides, this is just a slump. A January slump, prompted by the three month mark and the cold. I’ll continue to work on other things and before I know it, I’ll have met my six month challenge. Spring is a good time for the possibility of love, right?

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2013: It’s Going To Be A Doozy

Posted in Dating, Relationships, self-improvement on December 31, 2012 by sexandthesinglesoccermom

2012 was a challenging year in many ways; As is always the case, the challenges taught me a lot about myself.  I’ve been doing a lot of review and how I want things to be different in the new year. When it’s cold outside and the darkness seems so present, it’s natural to turn inward and reflective I suppose. Of course, inward and reflective seems to be my natural state. So this is sort of like everyday me…on crack….hmmm

Anyway, in honor of the eve before the eve of the new year, here are some resolutions:

  • Set Higher Standards. I’ve realized when it comes to relationships with others, especially romantic relationships, I’ve had ridiculously low standards. I’ve been so terrified of being alone, not being loved, having someone be angry at me, being abandoned, that it made me accept substandard treatment. From emotionally abusive to simply apathetic, some of the men I’ve chosen to involve myself with were allowed to get away with some really bad behavior for far too long. I can’t place the blame on them; afterall, I was allowing them to treat me in a way that hurt me. I even got back together with them…repeatedly! Always wanting to see the good, BE the love, think the best, see their higher selves is great; I just need to do it from a distance. Even last year, the relationship that I convinced myself would “go the distance”, wasn’t really what I wanted. Oh, I wasn’t completely unhappy. There were many evenings that were wonderful, beautiful and I felt happiness in sharing them. Yet the relationship never truly felt intimate, connected and supportive in the way I wanted. I mostly felt crammed into the moments he had left after everything else, which was never okay with me. There were times  my inner voice said, “You know this isn’t what you want for the rest of your life. If he can’t value you now, what would it be like after a year or two…or ten? You need to consider ending it.” I told that voice to shut the hell up! Afterall, I had grown to love him. I could just ask less, demand less, make myself smaller so I didn’t inconvenience him. I certainly didn’t want him to leave me, because then I’d be alone,  so I’d be as unclingy and undemanding as possible! I ignored my own needs so I could avoid a confrontation, avoid the truth, avoid the loss. I remember him telling me once, after it was over: “It probably lasted as long as it did because you asked so little and gave me space.” Yay me! So I didn’t really get what I wanted or needed during the relationship, kept my mouth shut because I didn’t want to lose him, then he broke up with me anyway. Low standards, low expectation doesn’t equal great results. Instead, I wound up grieving and feeling, somehow, like it ended because I’d done something wrong or wasn’t good enough. What I should have felt was gratitude and acceptance, because now I’d have the chance to find someone who showed they valued me. In 2013 I will set higher standards. I will have…gasp…expectations. If the next person I’m with isn’t interested in attempting to meet my needs (as I will try to meet his), I will do my best to walk away early. It’s healthy to expect the people who claim to care to show they care. Which leads me to my next resolution:
  • Let myself be angry. This sounds like a strange resolution for the new year, but I can explain it. I’m terrified of having someone be angry at me. Because then they might…you guessed it…leave me or stop loving me. So often I just keep my mouth shut, even if their behavior is appalling and hurts me deeply. Or if I let myself be angry and it forces a confrontation, then I immediately try to smooth it over. Make the peace. Smooth ruffled feathers. Be mommy and daddy’s little diplomat. Trust me, the instinct to sublimate my anger and keep the peace comes from my earliest experiences in life. Of course, the anger has to go somewhere. Usually I deal with it in one of two ways: Turn it inward into depression or let it build until I completely lose it. In the last few weeks I’ve realized something: I’m angry! I’m angry about the last 19 months and it feels a hell of a lot better than sitting and sobbing and wondering why. I’m angry and I have a right to feel angry at him…and at myself. The more I’ve had the chance to clear my head and really think about how everything went down this last time, I’m pretty furious. Anger is actually a higher state of consciousness than grief and boy, it certainly feels healthier. I’m not trying to suppress it or reason it away. I am giving myself permission to feel it and realize I should have allowed myself to be really angry a long time ago. Then, I’m going to work on my next resolution:
  • Let go and forgive. In 2013 (after I work through the anger), I want to release the past. I want to turn loose of everything that is no longer serving me. The people I’ve been with the experiences I’ve had, they all served a purpose. Now I want to just release them and move forward. In 2012 I severed ties with two ex’s. I got clarity surrounding my relationship with the father of my children. In 2013 I’m hoping to start anew and really say goodbye to all of them emotionally. Forgive them for the mistakes they made, which no doubt were made out of their own confusion and pain (That’s me trying to see past my anger for a moment). Forgive myself for the mistakes I made, which were made out of mine. Just let it all go.
  • Push myself harder. I plan to push myself a little harder in a lot of areas during this next year. My physical fitness routine is in full swing and I plan to continue to push myself a little more each time. I’m going to push myself to write more, maybe even try to get some short stories published. I’m going to try to take a few more risks and go outside my comfort zone a little more. Afterall, why not?
  • Live in the present. I dwell in the past. A lot. For what purpose? It doesn’t change it no matter how much I think about it. I want to be present to laugh with my children, play, love, dance, be silly, live my life. If I’m constantly obsessing over what went wrong, it’s hard to really let go and do any of those things.
  • Get out of my head by helping others. In 2013 I really want to find ways to give back to the community. There are a lot of people with bigger problems than me. If I can make a difference by helping…somehow…that’s a lot better than analyzing my own small challenges ad nauseum.
  • Be grateful. I am so blessed. I have so much love in my life and such abundance. It annoys me when I lose sight of that and focus on things I don’t have. I want to make gratitude a daily habit.

Those are just a few of my resolutions for 2013. I’m sure there will be more; there always are. Yet those are the things that stand out. 2013…I’m ready for you!

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